Things I didn’t expect to happen when Draya recorded a podcast with me at the Grantland Studio:
1. Her to show up
2. Her to be super sweet
3. Her to make jokes with the security guard
4. Her to answer my questions
5. Her to be genuinely interested in other human beings
6. Her to be so proud of her past career in exotic dancing
7. Her to be a sports fan
8. Her to have a tattoo on her calf that says “123”
9. Her to be so candid about the other women on the show
10. Her to actually tell me that she met Gloria in an acting class and wasn’t cast for the show (yeah right)
11. Her to admit she has a sex tape
12. Her to be vague about how she makes her living
Unpopular-opinion alert: Turkey isn’t delicious. Thanksgiving is all about the sides. Turkey is only there to transport stuffing, provide a job for that man of the house, and give you an excuse to douse your entire plate in gravy. If turkey is so good, why do we eat it only once a year?
I hear this all the time: “I don’t watch those shows, so I don’t read the Reality TV column.” Of course you don’t watch those shows, that’s the point. You shouldn’t watch those shows — that would cut into your philanthropy/Paris Review-reading/hot yoga schedule. You shouldn’t know that we are in the midst of a Survivor sex scandal, you shouldn’t know that there is an attractive young woman on the Real World dating a dude that makes Screech look like Warren Beatty, and you certainly shouldn’t be following the Basketball Wife coup d'état like it is the Egyptian revolution. That would be weird. That is why this column exists, so you can read it and have something to talk about with your super-hot, super-dumb date, your sister-in-law that the family hasn't truly embraced, or the person next to you in the Twilight line. Consider the following your “Guide to Thanksgiving Conversations With Dumb People.” You’re welcome.
You know Conan O’Brien, right? Your “favorite” late-night host whose new show you have never seen? Yeah, that guy. Remember how Conan ends every monologue by saying “We have a great show tonight"? And you always wonder if he really means it? And why he keeps saying it? And how close is he to moving to Idaho to become a farmer because no one watches him on TBS? It's hard to take him at his word, because not every show has been great. That is how I feel when I write the intros to GRTFL scorecards. So I am going to be honest and tell you that last week's wasn’t a “great show.” But this week? This week is different.
This week in reality TV had the magic and nuance of a pitchers' duel. It was low-scoring, but to the trained eye, to someone who really appreciates the underlying hatred of a good tribal council, the blossoming of a new relationship that will inevitably wilt, and watching liars tell transparent lies, this week had it all. When you dive deep beneath the lowbrow surface, you find lots of lessons. Lessons like how to accept alternative lifestyles, and the guilt and dishonor that come after gallivanting with “musicians” LMFAO. If you spend an evening going shot-for-shot with LMFAO’s “designer,” who wears Zubaz, you'd better make sure you don’t have work in the morning. This last lesson was one learned the hard way by this week’s top scorer, Nate from Real World.
This is probably going to be the last Grantland Reality TV Fantasy League scorecard I ever write. I cannot adequately express how much joy writing this column has brought me. There will forever be a little smush room in my heart for all the coitus denials, fellatio soliloquies, intoxicated spills, tweets from celebrity rehabbers, pregnancy scares, murder attempts, suicide attempts, and murder-suicide attempts. This may very well be the sudden end to our deep dive into the lowest form of human entertainment. What did you say? "Thank god?" Oh, “That’s odd.” Sorry, I misheard you. It is odd. I had no intention of ending it this way, and if it were up to me, I would write this column until I lay on my deathbed. The problem is that I know myself, and there is probably no way for me to write about what happened this week in reality TV and not get fired. How can I properly address all of the misguided piety, blatant homophobia, and over-the-top materialism without getting a phone call from someone in human resources? Matter of fact, I will be upset if I don’t get a call from human resources. If I don't hear from HR, that will validate my long-held suspicion that this column is not actually being published and the Grantland crew has somehow hacked my laptop so my GRTFL scorecards are only visible to me. Gotta be on your toes with this group; they're a crafty lot.
Okay, fine — getting fired isn’t the reason that this might be my last scorecard. The real reason is that I met “Crazy” Jackie from Basketball Wives this week, and now that she knows what I look like, it would be easier for her to hunt me down and make a handbag out of my appendix. Anyone have a good recommendation on where I can get cheap facial-constructive surgery?
You know I'm just kidding and will never stop writing this column, right? In 2026 I will still be making hacky jokes about the Real World when I am done watching it on hologram TV in my satellite/apartment. By that time they will have figured out how to clone Ted Williams, and me and one of the bazillion Teddy Ballgames will get together every Wednesday to watch hologram MTV and grill cheeseburgers. I can't wait.
Jersey Shore is not your highest-rated show, starring a cast with incomes larger than most countries' GDPs, because everyone gets along. You haven't yet figured out how to properly conclude a reality season. Instead of finishing with a bang, seasons lose momentum and end with a whimper. Your current default setting is to have the cast make up, reminisce about the lessons they learned and mistakes they made, and have one more big night out on the townnnnnnnnnnnnnn … Sorry. That last sentence was so boring I fell asleep while I was typing it. Listen, MTV Suits. The least you could do is end a season with a blowout fight, drunken orgy, or an announcement to the cast that when they return home to America they'll find a new team of guidos filming Jersey Shore: Freshman Class.
What Jersey Shore’s finale lacked in excitement and point-scoring, Basketball Wives LA’s Draya made up for by plugging more projects than Jermaine Dupri accepting a Video Music Award.
This week, the entire Jersey Shore house turned on the Situation, the entire country of Italy turned on Jersey Shore, and Frank from Real World turned into the best draft pick since Kang took DMX in the Grantland office “Next Celebrity Mugshot Pool.” You let me down, Mischa Barton.
Real World is back and Bunim Murray and MTV have poured another round of that familiar Real World cocktail: Mix one part big house, two parts frat boy, two parts female eye-candy, two parts sexual ambiguity, and one part ethnic ambiguity, and voilà, Real World: San Diego. So of course, in time that should probably have been spent doing real work, we created rules and drafted the cast onto our teams (see below). Then we sat back and watched as Real World's Frank attempted to crazy his is way to the top of the GRTFL leader board. Stay in your lane, Frank — the top of the leader board is meatball territory, at least until you have a pregnancy scare of your own. To be fair, though, your reasons for suspecting a pregnancy would probably be better than Deena's.
What happened to America’s favorite spherically shaped human this week made Hamlet look like a bad romantic comedy. Watching the ballad of the Snooki unfold was exhilarating, exhausting, and ultimately deeply depressing. Seeing her experience joy and nervous anticipation for the arrival of her Guido in bedazzled armor, and the melancholy of his midnight exit, was as close as a healthy human being will ever come to knowing what it's like to be manic depressive. Her box score (pun intended) this week only begins to encapsulate the range of extreme emotions our heroine displayed last night:
Setting up a "prank" that's not really a prank (putting Brittany in Mike’s bed)(: (10 points
Crying (when Jionni arrives): 5 points
(Coitus: 25 points
Open-mouth kissing (at club with Jionni)(: 5 points
Crying (after Jionni storms off): 5 points
Intentional nudity (on the dance floor): 20 points
Verbal fighting (with JWOWW): (5 points
Falling over in public due to intoxication (chasing after Jionni)(: 10 points
Verbal fighting (with Jionni): 5 points
( Crying (when talking to Jionni — she had stopped and then started back up): 5 points
Unintentional nudity (when she gets into bed after Jionni breaks up with her)(: 5 points Total: 100 points(
There is only one person who watched this episode and didn’t want to jump into the television, wrap Snooki in their arms, and tell her everything was going to be OK — her GRTFL owner, Lane Brown.
Snooki (Jersey Shore, Lane): 100 points. Snooki’s preparation for the arrival of her boyfriend Jionni was one of the happiest things we've ever seen. A woman so excited to see her love that she could not control herself. Spray-tan was applied, hundreds of outfits were auditioned, and the smush room was Febreezed. Jionni rang the bell and immediately Snooki embraced him, nuzzled his familiar (allegedly) PED-enhanced chest, and wept tears of joy. It was pure beauty. One of those moments that makes you believe that the meaning of life can be explained in one word: love. They ran upstairs, he kissed the cheeks of the ladies, awkwardly bro-hugged the fellas, and the couple retired to the smush room. All was well.
When they two emerged, it was time to return to the environment in which they first met: one filled with Italians, thumping house music, and enough alcohol to rid the world of all bacteria. Snooki wore her finest attire, a hot-pink leopard-print number that looked like a bandana being held together with jumper cables. Being a sexually conservative gent, Jionni remarked that he might prefer something a little more demure, but love was in the air and booze needed to be in the bellies, so they left for the club. All was well.
The presence of her lover transformed Snooki. She danced with a lust she had never felt before. She announced the she needed to dance where her soul was, above the crowd, on stage, to show the world her passion. Possessed by her love, she raised her dress and truly showed the world her passion. Jionni was not impressed. All was not well.
Ashamed, Jionni fled. Shocked, no longer possessed by desire, Snooki gave chase. Unable to find her Guido, she melted onto the streets of Florence into a weeping heap of rage and sorrow. Inconsolable, she retreated to her bed and continued to wail. Hours later, Jionni returned, announced that her behavior at the nightclub was unacceptable, grabbed his suitcase, and left. Under her hot-pink satin comforter, Snooki found no comfort. Hours earlier she held her true love, but now she held only her stuffed alligator. Reliving it makes me want to cry myself — I must be on my period.
Draya (Basketball Wives LA, Jacoby): 15 points. Draya, the former exotic dancer (fine, stripper), ex-girlfriend of Chris Brown, erstwhile Wiz Kalifah paramour, and current basketball "wife" is the Cam Newton of Basketball Wives. This week Draya plugged her “modeling” career (10 points) as she took us behind the scenes of a booty magazine photo shoot, one she described as “classy” (5 points). Shocking news alert: The shoot had her in her underwear, moving from sexual position to sexual position like she was in one of those Playboy yoga videos. Below, the top five things Draya said this week, followed by the things we said to our television after she said them.
5. Draya (to the photographer): “Is this too slutty?” Photographer: “I don’t think so.”
Our response: “Even the booty mag photographer is hinting that you should dial down the sluttiness.”
4. “I keep taking these little shots that people keep throwing at me that I keep hearing subliminally.”
Our response: "Hearing subliminally?"
3. “This one they want to make more classy. The booty booty shots are not necessary all the time.”
Our response: “Not all the time. Just 99 percent of the time.”
2. (On her friends): “They are not prunes or whatever you call it.”
Our response: “Prudes is what you call it, Draya. Prudes.”
1. “They are just my girls that I like hang out with when I want to do mature adult things.”
Our response: “Draya, you and your girls aren’t at a book-club meeting discussing Tolstoy. They're watching you get bikini-waxed.”
Gloria (Basketball Wives LA, Lane): 15 points. Huge argument at the Grantland office about whether Gloria or Draya was the more attractive Basketball Wife. OK, fine, not huge, nor even really an argument. It’s Draya, and Gloria received a couple of “Kucinich votes.” Gloria also plugged her acting career (10 points), which according to IMDb has included roles on Basketball Wives and wait, that’s it, just Basketball Wives. She also cried at Jackie’s 16th wedding to Doug Christie (5 points). Doug Christie has had more weddings than years in the NBA.
Jackie Christie (Basketball Wives LA, Connor): 10 points. You know when your birthday sneaks up on you, and you didn’t plan anything, so you send out an e-mail to everyone you know three days before asking them to meet you at the local dive bar, and only four people show up? That’s how normal adults plan annual events. Basketball Wives hire party planners, spend thousands of dollars on flowers, and get married to the same man year after year. Doug Christie comes off pretty much as well as you can on a reality show starring former strippers who are now delusional drink-throwing sociopaths, but it's hard to completely respect a man who says to his wife, “Honey, I have an idea for our anniversary. Let’s go out to a really nice restaurant instead of traveling to a new city, me buying you a 16th wedding dress, and renting out the most expensive room in the Palms. No? Fine. What color suit should I wear?"
JWOWW (Jersey Shore, Connor): 10 points. This week’s episode was the perfect example of why the Italian public didn’t want the Jersey Shore filming in their country. Florence’s ancient stone walls being used as a backdrop for our Lycra-and-sunglasses-clad Tri-Staters' drunken shouting, weeping, and stumbling felt like a desecration. As JWOWW’s screaming echoed through the early morning, Italian locals arose from their beds, opened their curtains, and mumbled to themselves, "At least this time it isn’t Sammi and Ronnie."
Laura Govan (Basketball Wives LA, House): 5 points. Remember when Shaq and Gilbert Arenas were rumored to have beef over some chick? It was right around the time when Gilbert was brandishing guns in NBA locker rooms. Well, it all just came together with one quick Google search. Basketball Wives is The Usual Suspects and Laura is Keyser Söze. Please join me in the joy of learning that your girl is more attractive than the one millionaire NBA players were fighting over.
Semhar (Survivor, Kang): 5 points. God, I hate spoken-word poetry. Oh wait, sorry Semhar — spoken-word “art.” Because poetry doesn’t even begin to describe what it is that you do, Semhar. You’re different from other spoken-word poets — you’re an artist. Who would have guessed that your teary (5 points) spoken-word “art” would just be you complaining about a man who did you wrong? Everybody.
Christine and Stacey (Survivor, House and Lane): 5 points. When you're on Survivor and heading into a tribal council and everyone else in your tribe is standing in a circle whispering just out of earshot, it's a safe bet you're getting voted off. At tribal, Coach and Christine got into a verbal fight (5 points) in which Stacey punctuated all of Christine’s points by adding a “Boom!” (5 points). Stacey is a tribal-council hype-woman; she is the Flavor Flav to Christine’s Chuck D. Next week she had better be wearing a clock and gold teeth and be making out with a trashy woman named Hardbody.
The Situation and Vinny (Jersey Shore, Kang and Simmons): 2.5 and 5 points. I blame Karl Lagerfeld. One night in the mid-'70s he said, “You know what? I really like these sunglasses. If I take them off, I will probably lose them, so I might as well just keep them on at the club,” and never looked back. Dear Vinny and Sitch, you a not German fashion designer who wears only black and white, rocks his collar up to his chin, and never speaks — you can’t pull off sunglasses in the club (2.5 and 5 points).
Brandon (Survivor, Lane): -10 points. You know who says things like, “I have my doubts about Mikayla. Because I am faithful to my wife, it makes me feel uncomfortable being around her a lot of the time”? Dudes who aren’t faithful to their wives. When he's not writing smiley faces on vote cards (10 points), Brandon is alternately eye-molesting bartender/lingerie football player Mikayla and desperately trying to get her voted off so he will no longer be tormented by her beauty. He apparently doesn't realize that his wife will be equally angry at him whether he cheats on her or spends weeks doing nothing but trying really, really hard not to cheat on her. “No, babe, I didn’t cheat on you on Survivor. I mean, there was this one supersexy Playboy cover model girl there whom I wanted to cheat on you with, stared at the whole time, and constantly tried to vote off because her absence was the only thing that would have kept me from touching her inappropriately — but I DID NOT cheat on you."
David Jacoby (Blanket Coverage):Much has been made over how much the cast of Jersey Shore earns, but I still have no idea how much these people are actually worth when you consider all of their revenue streams. There are a few things that are clear: They’re pulling in a lot outside of the show, they should cash in while they can, and it is safe to say that they don’t need to work at a pizza shop while they are filming.
In order to make a totally uneducated guess based on no actual facts or research, I have broken down the revenue streams into three categories: salary, sponsorships, and appearance fees. It seems like the Situation has been the most aggressive at shilling, so I will use him as a case study and imagine that revenue goes down from there, ending with Angelina who likely has a day job, is constantly pitching reality shows to uninterested networks, and is back to carrying around her clothes in trash bags. So let’s throw a guess at what Sitch pulls in over a year:
Salary: Are they really getting $100k an episode? I hope not. It has to be more like $50k to $75k. Let’s say they shoot 13 episodes in a year (this is a moving target, but I think they will go back to shooting one season a year) that is estimated at $812,500 (62.5 x 13).
Sponsorships: This is a total guess. I mean, the guy has everything from workout videos to tweets about tuxedo shops to press releases by companies asking him not to wear their clothes. This is the category that is hardest to track, but I feel like this number isn’t as high as you might think. It isn’t like Nike gave him a LeBron deal. He does one-day photo shoots with small companies and tweets about stuff. I am throwing a cool $1 million at this. Probably two (relatively) big deals that equal $500k and tons of little stuff making up the rest. Safe to say the IRS shouldn’t use these estimates if they audit him, as I have no idea how accurate they are. Estimated total: $1,000,000.
Appearances: Let’s say he really does get $25k for a Sweet 16 party that is not even close to what they would get paid for a club appearance. Probably more like $10k to 15K, five bottles of vodka and sloppy make-outs with four different women. If he is shooting two months out of the year, and does an appearance every week when he is not shooting, that brings his appearance total to about $550,000.
The Hollywood Reporter actually researched all this and said he was set to make $5,000,000 in 2010. I find that number high, but they, like, did research and stuff. My guesstimate totals out to $2,362,500, which feels more realistic. Now take off taxes and you are down to $1,417,500 ($2,362,500 x .6), and take out some management fees and you end up around $1,204,875 ($1,417,500 x .8). My ultimate point is that $1,204,875 is a ton of money for a guy who drinks and makes out with girls for a living, and it should be more than enough to buy clothing that doesn’t make you look like you got dressed every morning in the lost-and-found bin at the Palms hotel.
Lane Brown (The Blurcle Jerks): Greetings from third place! Jacoby hasn't left much unsaid about last night's Jersey Shore, so I'd just like to take this opportunity to thank the Italian police who let Snooki go, and especially the prudish, tan-wienered Jionni, without whom her bravura performance — and new position atop the all-time GRTFL high-scorers list! — would not have been possible.
David Jacoby is Grantland's Reality Tzar. Listen to him on the B.S. Report or follow him on Twitter at @jacoby_.
While simultaneously watching the NFL Kickoff game and Jersey Shore, Grantland’s David Cho asked a question not unlike the Prisoner’s Dilemma or that confusing “Should you switch doors?” thing from Let’s Make a Deal — a question so puzzling that it has no answer. It was, “If you had to marry, and live with for the rest of your life, one woman from Jersey Shore, which one would it be?” We discussed it for ten minutes and, right when someone else asked, “What is Snooki going to look like when she gets older?” Jimmy Graham mercifully scored a touchdown so we could focus on football again. These days, though, our football discussions have shifted away from things like, “Which fantasy league did I start Jordy Nelson in?” to ones like “I am not looking forward to starting Aaron Rogers four times in the Bad Quarterback League.” Heady times at Grantland. This week, the leader board in the GRTFL was dominated by one show. No group of Californians has been this prone to violence since the Hell’s Angels. Yep, I am talking about the Basketball Wives.
This week we added the basketball “wives” of Basketball Wives LA to the GRTFL mix. If you've never seen this show, you (a) are not a self-actualized human being, or (b) must not be “classy.” We drafted these women who may or may not be married to NBA players but presumably slept with about a dozen of them:
1. Jay Caspian Kang: Imani Showalter (Steven Jackson’s ex-fiancée)
2. David Jacoby: Draya Michele (“history of dating players”)
3. Bill Simmons: Malaysia Pargo (Jannero Pargo’s wife)
4. Connor Schell: “Crazy” Jackie Christie (Doug Christie’s wife)
5. Joe House: Laura Govan (?)
6. Lane Brown: Kimsha Artest (“partner” of Ron Artest Metta World Peace)
7. Lane Brown: Gloria Govan (fiancée of Matt Barnes)
But none of this matters right now because of what the Situation did on Jersey Shore.
Ronnie (Jersey Shore, House): 90 points. People throw the word "unbelievable" around too liberally. It's actually very easy to believe a Kanye West performance, the view from Runyon Canyon, or the mac and cheese at Freemans. But what happened this week on Jersey Shore — that was unbelievable.
Facing an attack by the Jersey Shore house’s (allegedly) chemically enhanced silverback gorilla Ronnie, the Situation turned, ran full speed into a concrete wall, and smashed his head on it. The man intentionally hit his head on a concrete wall and concussed himself. (Read that last sentence a second time, please.) Then, semiconscious on the floor, he grabbed a pillow and held it up to his forehead. Too late for head protection, Sitch, you just Zidaned a prison wall. Then Ronnie, confused, tackled a woozy Situation (25 points), threw some unimpressive punches, and was restrained by security (25 points).
Ronnie was oddly affected by the fact that Sitch tried to give his skull a new shape with a concrete wall. He went on to verbally fight with Sammi (5 points), threaten to leave the show (15 points), and cry into the insect arms of JWoww (20 points). Ronnie, don’t take it so hard — this just opens the door for the return of your way-more-fun Black Spider-Man true self, Single Ronnie.
The Situation (Jersey Shore, Jay): 70 points. The man smashed his head against a concrete wall. Intentionally. Hard. After the fight (25 + 25 points), he spent some teary alone time (20 points) in the house thinking about how little his “family” cared about his injuries.
I watched it seven times, spent six days thinking about it, and still don't understand what would cause a man to try to give himself a skull fracture like this. Here are the top five reasons I could come up with, listed in order of probability:
5. The least plausible explanation is the one Mike himself gave. He explained to Ronnie that, in a previous fight with another intimidating opponent, he smashed his head through a wall and thus avoided a confrontation. Let’s imagine a parallel universe in which this actually happened. In that universe, do you think he would ever go back to the “smash my head through a wall to avoid a fight” well? Did he make a mental note after it happened? “Wow, that worked like a charm. I'll have to remember to break that out again in a pinch.” No, not even in that universe does this make sense.
4. It was a legitimate suicide attempt. Maybe this should be higher than no. 4.
3. Ronnie was blocking the door. Mike was so terrified by the huffing, bulging silverback before him that he decided his only chance for escape was to break through the wall and leave a Situation-sized hole behind him, like Daffy Duck.
2. When faced with violence, he reverted to the lessons he learned as a kid in karate class. However, due to his schedule being packed with haircuts, mani-pedis, and nightclub appearances, he only made it to the class where they broke wooden planks with head-butts. So when he pulled his mental karate file, all that was in it was “How to break stuff with head.”
1. He’s an idiot.
The Wall (Jersey Shore, undrafted): 50 points. When I reached out to the Wall for comment, I received this statement from the Wall’s handlers:
"C'è stato di recente uno sfortunato incidente che coinvolge me e un giovane di nome Michael Sorrentino. Mr. Sorrentino mi ha attaccato e sono stato costretto a difendermi. Non da quando il grande Marco Materazzi è stato un italiano così brutalmente e ingiustamente attaccatiin questo modo. E 'stato portato alla mia attenzione che ho segnato 50 punti questa settimana nella tua "GRTFL" per la lotta fisica e vincereuna battaglia decisiva. Non ho alcun interesse a partecipare al vostro 'campionato fantasia.' Inoltre, informi il compagno di stanza grandepetto che sembra una mantide religiosa al testo me."
(Translation: “There was recently an unfortunate incident involving myself and a young man by the name of Michael Sorrentino. Mr. Sorrentino attacked me and I was forced to defend myself. Not since the great Marco Materazzi has an Italian been so viciously and unjustly attacked in such a manner. It has been brought to my attention that I scored 50 points this week in your 'GRTFL' for physical fighting and decisively winning a fight. I have no interest in participating in your 'fantasy league.' Also, please tell the large-breasted roommate who looks like a praying mantis to text me.”)
Malaysia (Basketball Wives LA, Simmons): 45 points. Bulls point guard Jannero Pargo averages 6.6 points a game. His wife, Malaysia Pergo, averages 45. After plugging her jewelry line for kids early (10 points), Malaysia finished with an assault-request and physical-fight combination (10 + 25 points) as she defended herself from Laura’s rhino charge. She also taught a great lesson to future generations of basketball wives: Removing one's heels while being assaulted gives you both better balance to deflect the charges of oncoming basketball wives and two stabbing utensils. It is important to pass lessons like this on to aid the evolution of basketball wives.
Melissa (Bachelor Pad, Lane): 30 points. You will be missed, Melissa. The GRTFL just won’t be the same without your overtweezed eyebrows, delusional attachments to men that you just met, and your patented “cry, threaten to leave, cry, then cry again” combination (30 points). As Melissa weeps in the back of the limo, you can't help but wonder what awaits her at the end of that road. One can only assume she goes back to her job as a waitress, throws an apron on, cries, falls in love with first customer she sees, cries when he leaves, threatens to quit, doesn’t quit, falls in love with sous chef, then attempts suicide when she sees him talking to the hostess. If anyone lives in Boca Raton, please do some reconnaissance to confirm that this plays out every day like I assume it does.
Laura (Basketball Wives LA, House): 25 points. Laura scored 25 points for attacking Malaysia and justified her appearance on the show thusly: “There was a rumor I was sleeping with someone famous.” The identity of that celebrity was never revealed, but he's more than 7 feet tall, not known for his ball handling, and has a name that rhymes with Maquille O’Beal.
Sammi (Jersey Shore, House): 20 points. Sammi killed Single Ronnie, the most enjoyable character in television history, when she roped him back into the least enjoyable relationship in television history. I heard she got in two verbal fights (10 points) and cried twice (10 points), but I can’t be sure because I continue to boycott her camera time in mourning of Single Ronnie. However, the events of this episode leave the door open for the return of our old friend. If Zombie Single Ronnie comes back from the dead next week, I am going to draft him and try to get him away from House on a technicality. I have already lawyered up.
William (Bachelor Pad, Simmons): 20 points. William cried (20 points) when he was voted off. As a guy who has logged plenty of frequent crier miles himself, it's hard to make fun of a fellow tear-dropper. Unless it’s Michael Lohan. Then it's supereasy.
Blake (Bachelor Pad, Simmons): 15 points. Blake won the kissing challenge (10 points) and took Michael’s ex-fiancé Holly on the reward date on which they kissed (5 points). Watching two hours of kissing this week on Bachelor Pad really makes you wonder how it became the go-to move for romantic affection. “I like you. Oh, you like me, too? Cool, let's smash our faces together, move our heads around, and lick each other’s tongues.”
Ella (Bachelor Pad, Connor): 15 points. Ella had a kiss on a date (5 points) and won the kissing challenge (10 points) that is now an annual Bachelor Pad tradition in which the entire cast kisses everyone of the opposite sex. Another annual Bachelor Pad tradition is the entire cast appearing in interviews in the following episode with lip herp.
Holly (Bachelor Pad, Lane): 10 points. Holly can’t decide which fauxhawked bro is her reality TV soul mate. She has a classic female conundrum that has played itself out the same way since the dawn of time. She could pick (a) Michael, the nice guy who is head-over-heels in love with her, or (b) Blake, the hot guy who tongues down every chick he makes eye contact with. Of course she chooses Blake (5 kissing points), and cries about it (5 points). Next week, we find out whether Michael loses the battle for his ex-fiancé and if his fauxhawk loses the battle to cover his receding hairline.
Draya, Basketball Wives LA, Jacoby): 10 points. All the beautiful butterflies known as basketball wives were once caterpillars known as “groupies.” When a “groupie” gets engaged to a professional athlete, the metawhorphosis process begins. The groupie wraps herself in a cocoon of hair weave and emerges as a true basketball wife. Even though, prior to metawhorphosis, they were once groupies, basketball wives detest groupies. When Draya was questioned by Gloria, she made the mistake of mentioning her modeling career (10 points), and that was all Gloria needed to label her a groupie. Gloria will now spend the rest of the season doing whatever it takes to ensure that Draya does not get engaged and begin metawhorphosis.
Gloria (Basketball Wives LA, Lane): 10 points. Gloria went to acting class (10 points for plugging an acting career) and rehearsed Shakespeare’s As You Like It. I think the producers were planning on featuring a basketball wife ironically performing the “All the world's a stage” speech on a reality show, but reconsidered when they realized the only people who know Shakespeare and watch Basketball Wives are themselves and Phil Jackson.
JWoww (Jersey Shore, Connor): 10 points. JWoww had a cry (5 points) and a verbal fight (5 points), then gave the most ridiculous sound bite since the last Allen Iverson press conference:
“I don’t want that bleeping kid to die. I don’t want him to die.”
JWoww, he hit his head. He is not going to die.
Pauly (Jersey Shore, Jacoby): 5 points. The language barrier can be tricky in foreign lands. While in the club, a local man went up to Pauly and said, “Che Cosa?” seven or eight times. Pauly took this as an insult and tried to fight the man (5 points). Which is too bad, because, really, the man was only trying to invite DJ Pauly D for a cup of coffee at this lovely coffee shop in Mount Clemens, Michigan.
Snooki and Deena (Jersey Shore, Lane and Jacoby): 5 points. Snooki and Deena cried (5 points) and timed it well, because it looked like they were crying about Situation's going to the hospital, but really they were crying because they ran out of wine, didn’t have sex with anyone that night, and realized they weren’t going to get any camera time.
Kirk (Bachelor Pad, Kang): 5 points. There’s a guy named Kirk on this show? (5 kissing points)
Vienna and Michelle (Bachelor Pad, Kang): 5 points. Wait, what? Vienna and Michelle scored only 5 crying points each this week? And they're on the same team? If you don’t watch this show, you can't understand how improbable this is. The chances have to be one in a billion. This is like LeBron James and Dwyane Wade being on the same team with a 1-0 lead in the NBA Finals and los Oh, wait. Bad example.
Jackie (Basketball Wives LA, Connor): 5 points. Jackie kicked off her season with 5 points for questioning Tanya’s “class.” Keep in mind that Jackie once came down from the stands to assault Rick Fox with her purse. Class personified.
Vinny (Jersey Shore, Simmons): 2.5 points. Vinny wore sunglasses at the club (2.5 points) and said this about Ronnie’s true essence:
“When he is dating Sam, he flips out and turns into another person, and then says he is sorry. But that doesn’t make it OK. You have to fix the problem.”
Ronnie, listen to the “Dr. Phil of the house.” Fix the problem! That “other person” you turn into is “Ronnie,” and you really are “Single Ronnie.” There comes a time in everyone’s life when you find out who they really are. This is that time, “Ronnie.” Now get out there and start spreading some STDs.
Bill Simmons (The Right Reasons): Somehow Jay Kang ended up with another no. 1 overall supplemental pick in the GRTFL. That makes three if you’re scoring at home. Jay turned out to be the smartest guy in this league — he picked an absolute shitshow of a team, struggled to pass zero total points for the first three weeks, then convinced his good buddy Lane to just keep feeding him no. 1 overall picks until he could right the ship. Meanwhile, I absolutely nailed my draft, nailing my no. 1 overall pick (Adam Royer, who had our only triple-figure week), handcuffing Amy Fisher with her cocaine-jaw tormenter Steven Adler, picking Bachelorette runner-up/erection-concealer Ben Flajnik, and somehow landing the two winners of Love In The Wild (two people I can't name because, like everyone else on the earth, I didn't watch the show). Add everything together and it was a Belichickian performance. It was so good that, just like with Belichick, other teams could only bring me down by accusing me of cheating; all that was missing were the 15 Gregg Easterbrook attack columns blaming me for ruining the integrity of reality fantasy leagues.
Don't worry, everyone — my run is coming to an end. With my initial class of all-star picks gone, I’m stuck with the half-eaten carcass of a “here’s what you get for picking in the back of two supplemental drafts” roster. My best hope to stay atop the standings? Somebody who's married to Jannero Pargo. Jannero Pargo! Note to self: Become better friends with Lane. And soon. Unrelated: Situation vs. Ronnie was the single biggest letdown since Teri Hatcher went topless in Heaven's Prisoners.
David Jacoby (Blanket Coverage): After serious consideration and internal turmoil, I have decided not to include Bravo’s The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills in the GRTFL. You see, the Real Housewives franchise is like heroin. I have never tried heroin because I am positive I would like it. I bet heroin is a good time. Such a good time that you'd want to do it again and again and again until you've sold your last pair of socks and are performing sexual favors for businessmen in alleyways. I do not mean to make light the seriousness of heroin addiction — I mean to respect it.
I enjoy The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills too much. And Bravo doesn’t mess around with these shows either. They stagger them so half the time there are two running concurrently. And they have the Andy Cohen Watch What Happens after shows. It would be a mess. Including the Real Housewives in the GRTFL would inevitably lead to me explaining to Dr. Drew how I became addicted to Bravo programming. Nobody wants that.
Jay Caspian Kang (Fraudulent Coitus): The wall might have knocked out the Snitch-uation, but the biggest loser in that confrontation was Ronnie. We've all put up with this Sammi nonsense because we know that at some point, Ronnie is going to go Ron-Dog on somebody's face. The fact that he got upstaged by a wall and then retreated to the comforts of Sammi's arms Well, a special place in hell, amico mio.
Speaking of special place in hell, on Project Runway, Bert discussed being old, frowned a lot, talked to his family via some useless HP Skype-lite technology AND COMPLETELY REDEEMED HIMSELF! Runway, more than any other reality show, puts you through giant swings of emotion. For example, Viktor Luna, the oft-bow-tied designer whose face sags like a used coffee filter, was one of my favorites during Weeks 1 and 2. But after last week's "win" (it doesn't count if it's a team effort), he's been insufferably bitchy, bow-tied, and generally unfunny. Which brings me to a larger point — just because you're bitchy, on Project Runway and have mean opinions, doesn't mean that you automatically get to play the "funny, bitchy guy." I'm the second-shortest guy on the Grantland basketball team (Lane Brown is 5-1). That doesn't mean that I should automatically suit up at the two and shoot the majority of our team's 3-pointers, right?
Lane Brown (The Blurcle Jerks): Five points? Am I really going to make it through an entire season of Jersey Shore without scoring any hookup or STD-scare points? Snooki, you're an embarrassment to yourself and the Blurcle Jerks. GRTFL owners: Does anyone have a problem with my trading her for Jionni and Situation's neck brace? Also, Jay Kang is 4-8.
David Jacoby is Grantland's Reality Tzar. Listen to him on the B.S. Report or follow him on Twitter at @jacoby_.
Note: This is our last post of the week. Happy Labor Day! We'll be back on Tuesday.