Kimye to Wed at Versailles: "Leave it to the self-proclaimed genius to have a gilded ace up his sleeve. Nothing less than France's famed Palace of Versailles will do for his spring vows to Kardashian, 33." This makes so much sense. "Kanye has never been married and wants a big one. It will be over-the-top crazy." But leave the guillotines at home, please. "They are not working with a budget. He says this is his moment, marrying his ideal woman." Can't you already hear Kanye screaming "THIS WAS SUPPOSED TO BE MY SPECIAL DAY" when the wrong rare orchids show up for the table settings? There will also be "fighter jets" flying overhead, as promised by Kanye repeatedly. And fireworks too, of course. I mean they'll still probably make better use of Versailles than Sofia Coppola did.
It's easy to forget that nerds and teenagers aren't the only moviegoers who want their fantasies indulged. I thought about that watching Morgan Freeman in Last Vegas. As Archie, a twice-married Air Force retiree who recently suffered a stroke, all Freeman does for his first two or three scenes is sit in an armchair watching television. He's surrounded by bottles of pills. He looks comfortable. But when a life-long friend, Billy (Michael Douglas), puts him on a three-way call with Sam (Kevin Kline) and tells them that he's getting married, Archie springs into action. He gets to go to Wonderland.
The plan is that they'll fetch their pal Paddy (Robert De Niro) and join Billy in Las Vegas for a bachelor weekend. Archie tells his worrywart son (Michael Ealy) he's going to a church retreat, which is a nice irony. Morgan Freeman doesn't go to church. He is church. You go to him. And that’s the real pleasure of watching Freeman in this amusing, smart-enough comedy: He finally has something fun to do. He has played so many totems of virtue, cool, wisdom, and assistance that it's almost shocking to hear him bust Douglas's balls with such exasperation and goodwill.
Robin Thicke Cheats on Paula Patton: Despite his constant boasts about his marriage to high school sweetheart Patton, Thicke is a dog. After a photo taken at NYC club 1 Oak went viral that shows Thicke palming a mystery blonde's ass, the blonde has come forward. Her name is Lana Scolaro, and she says that Robin "whispered dirty things, like, 'You don't understand what I'm going to do to you.'" That sounds very American Psycho of you, Robin Thicke. "He's a player. That's for sure." Well then why bother being married, ya dumbass? "Lana, 20, reveals that after Robin's security guard snapped the telling photo, the 'Blurred Lines' singer whisked her away to a private afterparty at his suite at the Greenwich Hotel, where he kissed and groped her until she left at 8 a.m. even though his wife, actress Paula Patton, was there the whole time!" Maybe it's an open marriage? "We hooked up," says Lana. "Things got a bit out of control." #blurredlines! "I came out and Robin was standing there. He turned out the lights so no one could see us and started making out with me. He was grabbing me and putting his hand on my bum. I kind of pushed him away, even though obviously I was like, 'Wow, I'm hooking up with Robin Thicke!'" I KNOW YOU WANT IT. "They could have been caught at any moment." Lana goes on, "We were against the wall in the hallway. It was so risky. I was like, 'Whoa, you have a wife! What are you doing?'" Robin told her to relax. "He said he and his wife are very chill. He was like, 'Be nice to her, she'll love you. But just make sure you're nice to her, because things could get ugly.'" Patton's rep denied any of this went down. Lana "can't get over how open Robin, 36, was about it all. And how oblivious — or accepting — Paula seemed." She spills, "I'm still shocked about the whole thing." Robin and Paula have a 3-year-old son, Julian, together. And apparently a very laissez-faire attitude about monogamy! What rhymes with polyamory?
Angelina Jolie, who last appeared onscreen in 2010’s The Tourist (remember? With Johnny Depp? With whom she shared so little chemistry that “a microscope and a search party could not discover any trace of” it?), has topped Forbes’s list of this year’s highest-paid actresses, ranking 41st overall (Oprah, Lady Gaga, Steven Spielberg, Beyoncé, and Madonna were credited with the top five most powerful celebrity spots). Forbes cites Jolie’s “north of $15 million” salary for 2014’s Maleficent — her then-4-year-old daughter Vivienne Jolie-Pitt reportedly earned $3,000 a week for her role in the film — and $33 million in earnings between June of 2012 and last month, which places her more than $7 million ahead of the next highest-paid actress, Jennifer Lawrence.
Jennifer Aniston Pregnant and Alone: "Jen's plan to wed on some exotic beach by year's end crashed and burned, brought down, it seems, by a combination of domestic squabbling and Justin [Theroux]'s career ambitions — mainly his huge commitment to star with Liv Tyler in the HBO series The Leftovers," which starts filming soon. "Things go so toxic that the couple has taken what is known as 'a break.'" YEAH, JUST ASK ROSS WHAT THAT WORD MEANS. "Now Jen's alone with her Smartwater stash and yoga mats, rattling around the SoCal Mansion while Justin's 3,000 miles away in his beloved NYC, taking meetings, studying scripts and tooling through traffic on his BMW motorcycle." A freaked-out Jen is worried that yet again, her "life lies in ruins. The wedding's canceled, her man's nowhere to be seen." Justin is a snob about L.A. "He's always vowed that he'd never live in L.A. because he can't stand the vacuous people there. There's no discussion of current affairs, politics, history, art — it's all movies, how you look and what car you drive. He hates all that and no $21 million mansion in Bel Air is ever going to change that." Good thing there are no vacuous people in New York!
The chatter so far on World War Z, Brad Pitt's big splashy adaptation of Max Brooks's airport-bookstore front-stand staple, was mostly centered around how screwed it was. Behind the scenes, there were additional shooting days and high-level creative differences and even a brand-new Damon Lindelof–hatched, Drew Goddard–executed ending; meanwhile, us peons were treated to a steady barrage of preview material from the flick, chopped up into Entertainment Tonight segments and sneak peeks and teasers and teasers for the sneak peeks. Now, with the hullabaloo behind us, here comes a brash new full-length trailer, asking one primary question of America: Are you or are you not psyched to see Brad Pitt, and his luscious grown-man Tim Riggins hair, save the world from flying, climbing hordes of zombies?
Angelina Jolie is "Surprise! Boring in bed." Whaaaaaa? This alleged information comes from shade thrown by her ex, Billy Bob Thornton, who has said, "sometimes, with the model, the actress, the 'sexiest person in the world,' it may be literally like fucking the couch." FUCK YO COUCH, BILLY BOB!
According to Deadline, Brad Pitt is considering taking on the title role in Warner Bros.' Pontius Pilate. Which means he'll be playing the fellow who, reluctantly or otherwise (considering your source), sentenced Jesus to death. Things sure are gonna be awkward at Mel Gibson's annual potato sack race this year!
The movie was written by Vera Blasi, the screenwriter behind 2000’s Woman on Top and the upcoming Emperor, a WWII drama starring Tommy Lee Jones as General MacArthur and Matthew Fox as a Japanese expert advising MacArthur on what to do with the war-crimes-accused Emperor of Japan. Which means Blasi is versed in the genre of men singularly tasked with making decisions that will reverberate through history.
Justin Bieber tweeted a vague apology after TMZ published photos of him with a "smoldering blunt." While some fans cast the eye of shade on Bieber’s “BFF” Lil Twist, others are taking this opportunity to air their beliebs that “weed is not the devil” and that Justin has as much right to a Funyun party of one as anyone else.
Kate Middleton Is Pregnant: "Royal-watchers all around the globe had been on tenterhooks for months." THAT SOUNDS UNCOMFORTABLE. "At long last, Will and Kate are expecting a little prince or princess!" While they were hoping to keep the story under wraps until Kate was 12 weeks along, and release the news on Christmas Day, it came out early when Middleton was admitted to a hospital for morning sickness. Nevertheless, "William and Kate are elated." They started trying in September, "once their Malaria medication has run its course" after their "royal tour of Southeast Asia." The holy "VIP baby leapfrogs Harry to become third in line for the throne behind William and his father." A nursery "is in the early stages" as the couple continue with their move into Kensington Palace. Get ready to hear all about the future royal baby for months from weirdo superfans.
"I was getting a divorce. I was going to my lawyer's office to divorce her that day but I wanted to sneak in a quickie This particular day, someone beat me to the punch I guess Brad got there earlier than I did. I was mad as hell. You should've saw his face when he saw me." That's Mike Tyson telling Yahoo the story of the time he stumbled upon Brad Pitt making extramarital love to then-wife Robin Givens, the air thick with the delicious scents of forbidden lust, Chanel No.5, and impending homicide.
And yes, we all wish we could have seen Pitt's face in that moment, because most human beings never get a good look at a man who's confronting the very real possibility that his entrails are about to be scooped out by a fist the size of a backhoe shovel and dumped out a window.
You can't blame the marketing folks behind Killing Them Softly — the third movie from Australian writer/director Andrew Dominik, after Chopper and The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford — for pushing it as something along the lines of "coolest man alive Brad Pitt straight-up assassinating some mf'ers." Just know that if you go ahead and catch Killing this weekend, that's not quite what you're getting into. Adapted by Dominik from George V. Higgins's 1974 novel Cogan’s Trade, the movie offers a lean and restrained (but still very murder-y!) low-stakes crime story — a couple of bumbling cons get hired for what seems like an easy score, a card-game robbery, and things get complicated — and presents it as a tale about "capitalism — about chasing a buck" in the depressed 2008 U.S. economy. Last week I sat down in a Waldorf-Astoria hotel room with Dominik (who looked particularly dapper in a bespoke suit, shoulder-length hair, and with an American Spirit in hand) to talk about Killing.
John Mayer & Katy Perry & Adam Levine: Katy Perry went to Adam Levine's annual Halloween party and the two were flirting nonstop. "Adam was touching and hugging Katy affectionately while they did shots together for a half hour, even though his girlfriend model Behati Prinsloo was at the party too. It was kind of uncomfortable." Perry is show-business buddies with Levine, who is also BFF with Katy's rumored beau, John Mayer. Mayer once dated Jessica Simpson, whom Levine was once said to have tooted and booted.
"Adam texted Jess that he 'needed space.'" WHAT? "Then he avoided her calls. She phoned him several times, but he didn't answer." While Katy and Adam's flirtation is probably innocent, there's no doubt that she knows a potential fling with Levine is her ace in the hole should John Mayer's wandering eye and life-ruining dick get the best of John and Katy's relationship.
Justin Timberlake & Jessica Biel: "You could safely call him a groomzilla." Having gotten over his "inability to commit," Timberlake threw himself into planning the $6.5 million ceremony, renting an Italian resort for the wedding and flying guests in on chartered jets. "Justin planned a series of mini-celebrations leading up to the evening ceremony. Guests were treated to a seafood feast followed by a fireworks display on the beach the day they arrived." He chose Biel's "6-carat princess-cut engagement ring without consulting her" and "picked out Jess's gown from sketches. She trusts him." Well, that's her first mistake.
Taylor Swift's Teen-Boy Love Triangle: "Taylor's insinuating herself into the Kennedy clan has taken a twisted turn." After taking on Jackie O's "prim-'n'-proper New England-chic, pearls-with-pleated-skirts" style and settling in at the Hyannis Port Kennedy Compound, "she's adding another Kennedy notch to her belt. Taylor was caught making out with Patrick Schwarzenegger — Conor's cousin — at a family event!" Swift would NEVER. "Taylor was making out with Patrick all night. The previous day she was all over Conor — so she hooked up with two cousins on consecutive nights!" Les Cousins Dangereux! "That sounds like risky business for the singer, who's been known to write songs about the two-timing men who've hurt her in the past." Turnabout is fair play? "Conor and Patrick have always been competitive" and Taylor loves feeling desired. But the older members of the clan do not want theatrics. "As far as the Kennedys are concerned, Taylor is trash. Conor says he's in love with her, but all she's done is cause drama." I guess another notch on her belt is all they'll ever be.