Music Monday: Pitch-shifting "Get Lucky" converts it into a Michael Jackson–esque jam; a terrible inauguration song in honor of the Netherlands' new king gets pulled for crap lyrics ("I will fight like a lion, nothing will stop me / from keeping you safe as long as I live / The W of William, three fingers in the air, come on"); and Snoop Lion on his reincarnation (it was time to "take the party and put it on pause" for Rasta's sake).

Hey! The Golden Globes were pretty great, right? Well, not for everybody. Bret Easton Ellis tweet-grumbled throughout the ceremony, claiming that Jodie Foster “killed off her mother,” was “drunk,” and is a “three-year-old lesbian.” Also: Silver Linings Playbook is our generation’s Annie Hall. Jodie Foster’s speech stumped a few brains, drawing comparisons to Thought Catalog essays and Clint Eastwood’s chair address of 2012. The show was infinitely GIF-able, from Taylor Swift’s sneering Grinchmouth to Drunk Glenn Close. Backstage, there were n-bombs, three Polaroid Big Shot cameras capturing candids, and tiny, delicious Fatburgers. SO MUCH COVERAGE, you felt like you were there, minus the bleeding feet. And now we can rest.

If you guessed "The Presidential candidate that survived five and a half years as a POW in Vietnam," you guessed correctly. The AP reports:

The movie Zero Dark Thirty suggests the CIA's harsh interrogation techniques led the U.S. to Osama bin Laden. Sen. John McCain watched the movie Monday night and says it left him sick — because it’s wrong. McCain … has insisted that the waterboarding of al-Qaida’s No. 3 leader, Khalid Sheikh Mohammed, did not provide information that led to the bin Laden’s compound in Pakistan. Yet the movie … indicates that’s how the United States found the al-Qaida leader … [McCain says] the name of bin Laden's courier, Abu Ahmed al-Kuwaiti, came from a detainee held in another country. "Not only did the use of enhanced interrogation techniques on Khalid Sheikh Mohammed not provide us with key leads on bin Laden’s courier, Abu Ahmed, it actually produced false and misleading information," McCain said in a speech on the Senate floor … "I do not believe [enhanced interrogation is] necessary to our success in our war against terrorists, as the advocates of these techniques claim they are."

Monday was a busy day for our old friend Bret Easton Ellis. First, he released the teaser trailer for his bonkers movie The Canyons. As you may recall, this project is weirdly bipolar. On the one hand, it's being directed by legit Hollywood legend Paul Schrader. On the other, it stars Linday Lohan and porn star James Deen, and it's being funded partially by a Kickstarter campaign. Lots of folks out there had already written the thing off, but I held out hope — should we not believe some movie magic might yet arise from this strange alchemy? Ah, you know, on second thought, after looking at this trailer — maybe not?

Just after midnight last night, somewhere in the upper levels of the Doheny Plaza condos, before the glittering backdrop of the West Hollywood skyline, a dream died.

Bret Easton Ellis, the Internet's foremost self-declared candidate to adapt E.L. James's pop-smut best seller Fifty Shades of Grey, got on Twitter to announce to his 320k-plus followers that he was out of the race. For those of you who don't subscribe to this particular newsletter, when he hasn't been spearheading a vitriolic social media takedown of Deadline editor Nikki Finke, Ellis has been spending the summer of 2012 putting together his Team Fifty fantasy league, polling his followers for their favorites to play the leads Christian Grey and Ana (possible candidates: Matt Bomer, Ian Somerhalder, Channing Tatum, Alex Pettyfer, Tom Hardy, Ryan Lochte(!!). OK, he was really only interested in casting Christian Grey) and generally treating Twitter as his public pre-production diary for a film that he had never formally been attached to in the first place.

For a long while there, Lindsay Lohan’s burnout was exclusively depressing: predictable, repetitive, and, outside of a few courtroom fingernail messaging incidents here and there, just plain uninspired. Things, however, just got a touch more interesting. Hours removed from her messy Porsche wreck (the latest word from TMZ is that Lohan might have lied to the cops when she said she wasn’t driving, an offense that could get her probation revoked), a juicy new role for Lindsay has been announced.