Kim is the one with the ass that launched a thousand ships and a couple of Kanye songs. Khloe is the one with a human soul. Kourtney is the other one. Kylie and Kendall are the ones most likely to sit at the right hand of Randall Flagg in Vegas following a world-devastating pandemic. Rob is the one who is not a factor. But at the end of the day, the true protagonist of E!'s Keeping Up With the Kardashians is Kris Jenner, the brilliant and ruthless CEO/matriarch/puppetmistress/alleged sex-tape distro-deal broker of the Calabasas Kennedys, a family-focused-yet-consequence-blind cable antihero as compellingly loathsome as Walter White, self-described in her Twitter bio as a "MOM, MANAGER, MOMAGER, LOVER OF LIFE, LOVER OF CHRIST." In case you missed it, that's Jesus in fifth place, behind "Momager," a made-up word that is now a registered trademark of Jenner Communications Inc. — and I'm not a religious man, but I'm reasonably sure that loving Christ means not giving the King of Kings the same billing in your Twitter bio that Rick Moranis got on the poster for Ghostbusters.
Bigger-than-usual doings this week on Keeping Up With the Kardashians, a terrible show that is also the flame I hold my hand over, G. Gordon Liddy–style, to demonstrate my loyalty to television.
Increasingly torn between House Kardashian and House Odom, Khloe (ever more clearly The Smart One, by virtue of being The One Who Doesn't Even Try To Conceal How Profoundly Over This Bullshit She Is Anymore) continued her doomed, Michael Bluth–like quest to extricate herself from her family's squabbling orbit; Kim attempted to lure Khloe back into the fold by blasting old family photos out to her 15 million-plus Twitter followers, which is totally the kind of thing a normal person does when trying to heal a family rift. Everyone except Bruce flew to New York for the opening of Scott Disick's new Meatpacking District restaurant, Ryu, for which "notoriously hard-to-please Yelpers" have apparently had "less-than-kind words." Rob Kardashian, who is always sad about something, was sad about the delaying of his own passion project, a line of dress socks. (Later, Kim consoled him by saying, "My Tyler Perry movie, a huge production, got delayed — to make it better.") People continued to feed Mason candy, the cornerstone of any healthy toddler's diet.
Oh, and Kim introduced her family to her new boyfriend, a well-dressed, soft-spoken young man named Kanye.