Contraband
When did Mark Wahlberg turn into Charles Bronson? He's so much better as part of an ensemble than as an everyman. This movie has a hat trick of character actors know for playing "scummy": Lukas Haas, Ben Foster, and Giovanni Ribisi. Wahlberg better watch his back as Channing Tatum perfects his own "dumb guy with a heart of gold" routine.
Too lazy to go to a movie theater, but still want some fresh-from-the-Hollywood-meat-grinder entertainment? Good news! We'll plumb the depths of video-on-demand so you don't have to!
Alvin and the Chipmunks: Chipwrecked
The first movie my little brother ever saw in theaters was 1987's The Chipmunk Adventure, and since he had just learned to talk pretty recently — he was 2 — he kept shouting out names of things on the screen like "car!" and "tree!" until an adult man who was seeing the movie by himself turned around and told my parents, "PLEASE BE QUIET SOME OF US ARE TRYING TO WATCH THE MOVIE." If you have children and are somehow forced to watch Alvin and the Chipmunks: Chipwrecked, I feel for you. Maybe rent The Chipmunk Adventure instead. I swear it is awesome and it employed a lot of excellent animators who left Disney in the eighties after The Black Cauldron tanked. Plus the songs are way better than the chipmunked versions of "Party Rock Anthem" and "Bad Romance" you'll have to endure during Chipwrecked. If you are, for some reason, watching Chipwrecked of your own accord, that's your fault and I blame you for the next eight squeakuels, but be sure to look out for alternative comedians David Cross and Jenny Slate keeping straight faces while acting alongside CGI rodents.
Don't you hate when you're screwing around on the couch in the freshman lounge with your ex-boyfriend's best frenemy and the Vampire RA walks in? Bill is such a fangblocker, stopping Eric and Sookie from getting to second base. Bill cuffs Eric and tells Sookie it's strictly vampire business, because he is a vampire businessman.
Eric gets locked in vampire jail with Pam, whose face is rotting off like a golem Real Housewife. Pam says King Bill is a pompous dork, which he totally is. Nothing like a little bit of artificial power to turn an angry nerd into an overconfident entitled Zuckerberg.
