Is Justin Timberlake Cheating on His Wife? The rumors started "when Justin Timberlake left a party at Philadephia's Sigma Sound Studios with a beautiful blonde close behind." Has his commitment to monogamy already gone bye bye bye? Nah, it's his cousin. "Should I just go ahead and change my name to mystery blonde?" tweeted the blonde, Caitlynn Timberlake. "The party gossip, however, has affected Justin's wife. It's no lie that Jessica is getting sick of all these rumors about her new husband. It's even more annoying because the truth is they're very much in love and are talking about starting a family next year. So for him to be linked to a woman who happens to be in the same picture is starting to wear a bit thin." Well, don't hold hands with any mystery blondes in front of photographers, Justinnnnn.
Kate Middleton & Kim Kardashian Raising Children Alone: "They may seem to have it all, but with absent partners and no homes of their own, both Kate Duchess of Cambridge and Kim Kardashian are struggling with motherhood." And their names both begin with K! Both ladies are "alone, as their international icon baby daddies, Prince William and Kanye West, step out without them, partying it up with pals and heading back to work, away from the nest." Kate and William moved in with Kate's parents, rather than hire full-time nannies. "The truth is, Kate wants this baby to grow up normal. No fuss, no bother and few servants." LOL YEAH RIGHT. Will has escaped the house as much as possible, playing polo with his brother and fulfilling his duties in the Royal Air Force. "It's all a bit too loved-up for him. He was thrilled to play first-time dad, but now he's content to leave it to the ladies. He's learned how to change a diaper, but like any action man, William is starting to feel he's more use to the military." What is an action man?
Angelina Jolie, who last appeared onscreen in 2010’s The Tourist (remember? With Johnny Depp? With whom she shared so little chemistry that “a microscope and a search party could not discover any trace of” it?), has topped Forbes’s list of this year’s highest-paid actresses, ranking 41st overall (Oprah, Lady Gaga, Steven Spielberg, Beyoncé, and Madonna were credited with the top five most powerful celebrity spots). Forbes cites Jolie’s “north of $15 million” salary for 2014’s Maleficent — her then-4-year-old daughter Vivienne Jolie-Pitt reportedly earned $3,000 a week for her role in the film — and $33 million in earnings between June of 2012 and last month, which places her more than $7 million ahead of the next highest-paid actress, Jennifer Lawrence.
Are we supposed to be worried about Miley Cyrus? I was so utterly charmed by her Jimmy Kimmel appearance this week that I kind of forgot that there's a whole segment of celebrity-following Americans who think she's having some sort of crisis because she publically admits to smoking pot and refers to "dancing with molly" (Uh, I mean, herself) in her new super-viral single "We Can't Stop." The song was originally written for Rihanna, but even with the exact same lyrics and production it would have come off as much more weepy and nihilistic, because Rihanna can't help but sound like she's frowning every time she sings. Miley makes it sound like a campfire song. RiRi probably wouldn't have opted for such a gleefully silly music video, either. Abstractly speaking, Rihanna doesn't laugh. Miley can't stop laughing, it seems, and even if that's just Snoop's OG Kush talking, it makes it hard to be mortally concerned for her.
Yesterday’s most notable click-bait, the double bacon cheeseburger on the hook, was a story about George Clooney’s balls. In 2008, Clooney joked to Esquire that he had gotten “the new thing in Hollywood — ball ironing” in response to a previous sarcastic remark he’d made about getting his eyes done, which was garbled in translation and wound up making the tabloid rounds in Italy as fact. One of the weird parts of this story is that he repeated the joke to Italy’s Max magazine this January, again insisting that "many people in Hollywood have done it"; the other weird part, of course, is the procedure itself actually exists, and employs lasers to fix discolorations, zap skin tags, and provide “overall tightening to the external skin. You know where …” with a cost of $575. It’s a shame Nurse Jamie, talking head and ball-smoothing guru, and the folks at Beauty Park don’t throw in tattoos of mean faces and beards à la Dave Chappelle for an extra fee, because if you’re the kind of blingy eccentric (and, apparently there are many of you, storming the laser centers in droves like Randy Marsh with a wheelbarrow) who’d undergo a painful voluntary procedure on your family jewels, you might as well go big or go home.
Thanks to Tumblr, Twitter, TMZ, Kim Kardashian, Lena Dunham, the reverse camera button on Instagram, and innumerable other factors, we live in the age of the overshare. This is not news by any means, and by now we've mostly accepted that any effort to reverse this cultural drift is futile. (Though both sexes can be held accountable, it tends to be more of a female phenomenon — unfettered access to even your most private emotions and body experiences is the new stock in trade for today's cultural courtesans.)
This has been the subject of some old-guard hand-wringing, and we tsk-tsk the celebrities and non-celebrities alike that indulge in such ephemerally cathartic activities even as we read about them with guilty fascination. And yet even when it's not being offered voluntarily, we still find ways to invade private space whenever we can, telling ourselves that we are merely providing the universe with another "hot tip," another nugget of valuable information to toss into the already overflowing cauldron we attempt to wade through every day when we open our laptops. We're intel hoarders, we can never have enough, and we pile up every useless factoid, certain that it will be useful someday to someone. With so many cultural figures giving us so much access, this can get out of hand very quickly.
Those of you who follow me on Twitter I'm sure have noticed my sick love of poking fun at celebrities. I am frequently asked why I pick on two celebrities in particular, Chris Brown and Kim Kardashian. More often than not, people ask me why I hate them so much. I felt this would be a great opportunity for me to clear the air. I don't hate anyone. However, I do take issue with certain situations these two have gotten themselves into. Now, I fully understand that we are all human and we all make mistakes. I am definitely no different. If I were being watched 24/7, I'm sure I'd come across like a silly chick who curses too much and I'd end up addicted to antidepressants. The great thing is, I'm not famous. I'm a comedy writer and I produce a newscast. Everything I do is behind-the-scenes and I prefer to keep it that way. While comedy writing falls into the "entertainment" category, I don't consider myself an entertainer. Now, if I went and did something really off-the-wall, people could totally find out about it. The thing is, I have something called morals. I would NEVER physically abuse someone and I would NEVER film and distribute my own pornography tape featuring myself. Call me old-fashioned, but that's just me. With that said, I'd like to break down for you my reasons for making so much fun of Kim and Chris.