Demi Moore Moves On: Demi is "loving it up with a hot new boytoy: Will Hanigan, 30, a commercial pearl diver and adventurer from Perth, Australia." Will tells Star, "She's an amazing woman. We know each other through yoga, and we've become close." Through naked yoga. "Demi and Will made an arresting pair when spotted at Nine Treasures Yoga in West Hollywood on May 1. While Demi was dressed in all black and carried a traditional rolled yoga mat on her back, towering Will looked more like a Viking, with his long blond hair and beard and a mat made out of a shearling robe slung over his shoulder." He looks like a Game of Thrones character, to be honest. Three days later they returned, and were "making naughty use of the facility's sauna. They get massages before going in — and they can actually be heard making wild sexual noises inside." Receipts? Field recordings?
In the eternal high school that is the entertainment business, sometimes there comes a love triangle for the ages, one that generates an endless stream of speculative tabloid stories about what exactly the stars must be feeling and thinking. Usually the conclusion is horrifying: They're just like us! Maybe it's comforting for common folk to know that all the money, talent, and success in the world can't protect you from experiencing heartbreak. No one goes through life without encountering rejection. Everybody plays the fool, sometimes. There's no exception to the rule. Think of Angelina Jolie, Brad Pitt, and Jennifer Aniston; Liz Taylor, Eddie Fisher, and Debbie Reynolds; or Eric Clapton, Pattie Boyd, and George Harrison. For the triangle to be truly epic, all three should be about the same level of famous. Which brings us to Chriannake. Let's play Internet detective/fan fiction writer.
20. Chris Brown: For "beating his girlfriend Rihanna." (Duh.) "Even though Rihanna has taken him back, many music industry insiders don't trust him, perhaps because he claims to be the real victim."
19. Jesse James: "People began to turn on the reality star with reports of his cheating on Sandra Bullock, but his tone-deaf statements made matters worse."
18. Taylor Swift: "The talented singer-songwriter has not only dated what seems like every guy in Hollywood, but she's made millions bashing them in her songs!" Whatever, they're great songs and those dudes were fuckos! "She also can't seem to take a joke. After Tina Fey made a lighthearted quip about her boy-crazy rep, Taylor responded by saying 'There's a special place in hell for women who don't help other women.'" OMG, she was like just quoting Katie Couric! Boo, you whore.
Afrojack, as your friend I must warn you: Chris Brown is not really your friend. He's just here to drag Drake, break some windows, and lay the pipe.
Best YouTube Comment: "wow…I am in total awe at how cringe-worthy this is. I thought it was a fucking parody…seriously…trenchcoats and eagles? singing goldfish? Game of Thrones meets Strip Club? WHAT THE FUCK? worst video…ever." — SimonDuPlaya
For some of us, April Fools' Day is the worst day on the calendar.
By "us," I mean the type that could be described as "gullible." Those who, I don't know, "tend to trust their fellow man." A certain lot that "often assumes bad things will happen to them at every turn, so when you tell them bad things just happened, even on April 1, they will believe you." That "us."
And making it worse, the people who enjoy April Fools' Day know who "we" are. It's no secret. There's a directory/listserv/message board community dedicated to our names, phone numbers, blood types, addresses, and locations for the 24-hour period of terror. Bad times.
The traps are everywhere, with each passing year proving more difficult to determine what's real and what's prank. If I had mastered the art of avoiding them all, I'd certainly enlighten the vulnerable masses, but I haven't. Not even close. What I can do, however, is outline some common pitfalls and guaranteed constants, and state that April Fools' Day immediately following Easter is like Adele opening for Carl Lewis.
Cindy Crawford & Rande Gerber: "At a concert at the Malibu Inn in early February, the 47-year-old supermodel was more of a hot mess! While downing drink after drink, she went on a wild dancing and flirting spree with victims including Brody Jenner and Johnny Zambetti, the lead guitarist of the headlining band Terraplane Sun - all while Rande Gerber, her husband of 14 years, looked on unfazed." Cindy supposedly told Zambetti "My marriage is over!" and he says that "she certainly wasn't acting like a married woman. She was acting like a single, 21-year-old party girl." Cindy's rep claims the couple is just fine, and that they were there to see Shwayze. “Cindy was not flirting with any men or drinking. Cindy and Rande are very happily married." There have been rumors of turmoil in the Crawford-Gerber union before, including the gossip that they participate in partner swapping with other celebrity couples like George Clooney and Stacy Keibler. Witnesses say Cindy was wasted and kept talking about "hot band guys" while "chasing Brody all around the bar. After a while, he and his two guy friends started to mess with her, buying her shots and making her take them. She was loving the attention!" Also I mean, c'mon Brody, it's fucking Cindy Crawford. Rande "wasn't paying Cindy any attention at all. He was completely checked out." Friends say "Rande's indifference is precisely the reason Cindy's behaving like a teenager in the first place — it's her way of getting back at him for cheating on her throughout their marriage." Star had an exclusive in 2004 when Rande hooked up with a New Orleans waitress. "Cindy's put up with a lot over the years." SOUNDS LIKE IT. "She always flirts with guys, and it's really sad because I think she does it out of jealousy over Rande flirting with other women."
Buuuuuuurn. Patrick Carney of The Black Keys dissed Grammy-snubbed Justin Bieber, saying that "he's making a lot of money. He should be happy." You know what's better than a million dollars? A billion dollars. You know what's better than a billion dollars? A billion dollars and a Grammy. You know what's better than a billion dollars and a Grammy? The artistic freedom to Instagram pictures of yourself all sweat-drippy in a lace bra, otherwise known as being Madonna. In other Grammy drama news, here is Adele disapproving of Chris Brown.
Say you want to care about the Grammys. Say you love music, and also television, and also the packaging of live music entertainment on television. But say that, for whatever reason — the Grammys' undying inability to fulfill their mission statement of accurately reflecting a harmonious blend of the critically acclaimed and the mass approved usually causes the telecast to devolve into an aggressively disjointed mess, perhaps? Or maybe just a childhood trauma-derived flat affect? — you can't muster any enthusiasm. Be easy, glass-half-empty person: Grantland's here to help. We've broken down the performers roster, we've analyzed the nominees, we've scoured the innuendo, and now we've got story lines to keep you scintillated and piqued and feeling, maybe for the first time ever, truly alive. Read now, and avoid falling asleep into your Cheesy Poofs on Sunday night.
We're now entering day two of Breezy vs. Lonny Breaux, and the allegations, innuendos, and rumors are raining down hard and heavy. So, OK, take a deep breath, put on the kettle, and then have yourself a little sit-down. We'll get through this together.
First, the cold, hard facts about the recording-studio-parking-lot brawl — the instigation of which each camp is blaming on the other — courtesy of the good people at the L.A. County Sheriff's Department: Frank Ocean is considering pressing charges. He'll need some evidence first, presumably, and may end up deciding it's not quite worth his time. (Some worthy pursuits he might consider to fill that void: making more dope music; playing with his pet Bernese mountain dog, Everest; just generally continuing to be Frank Ocean.) But for now, L.A. County Sheriff's spokesperson Steve Whitmore says, Ocean is "desirous of prosecution." He then added, straightforwardly, "We’ll find out what happened," dashing all hopes that the L.A. County Sheriff's office has in its employ a spokesperson who talks in the manner of an old-timey, silver-tongued Wild West lawman and/or Yoda.
You couldn't have scripted this better: On Sunday night at Los Angeles's Westlake Studios, Chris Brown, arguably the most media-reviled figure in pop music, got into a fight with Frank Ocean, arguably the most media-beloved. And while hearing the factions involved may lead you to immediately ascribe the brawl to a clashing of the value systems the two R&B stars willingly or otherwise represent, it appears, at this point at least, that it wasn't all that heavy. More specifically: Brown and Ocean may have been fighting over a parking spot.
TMZ reported the news via "sources connected with Chris," and, surprise! — those sources say Frank started it: "As Chris went to leave [the studio], Frank Ocean and his crew blocked Chris from leaving. The sources say Frank said, 'This is my studio, this is my parking spot.' We're told Chris went to shake Frank's hand and that's when one of Frank's people attacked Chris one of Chris' friends jumped in front and hit Frank's friend Frank then came at Chris Chris pushed him away and they started brawling."
The illustriously shirtless Trey Songz — the R&B paramour behind such bedroom jams as "Love Faces," "Neighbors Know My Name," and "I Invented Sex" — is making his movie debut this weekend in Texas Chainsaw 3D, the latest installment of the pluckily resilient horror franchise. This time, a young lady road-trips with her friends to a small Texas town to claim a mysterious inheritance from a newly discovered grandma, and — surprise! — Leatherface shows up to do some chainsaw massacrin'. Songz plays the young lady's boyfriend, and is barely in the trailer ... although he does get to drop an instantly immortal line of dialogue: "Look like Granny liked to play a little pool." And, somehow, it all makes perfect sense: There's something about the lasciviousness of Songz and the human-skin-mask-making of 'Face that just goes together. And so the primary question going forward is: Which R&B heartthrob should go the slasher flick route next? A few suggested pairings, below.
Kate Winslet & Ned Rocknroll: Kate Winslet married Ned Rocknroll, a.k.a. Richard Branson's nephew with the incredibly dumb (self-chosen) name. "Call her Mrs. Rocknroll!" I will but I won't like it! The couple of a year wed before "a small group of friends and family." Perennial bachelor Leonardo DiCaprio "walked the bride down the aisle" and shattered/stoked the dreams of a trillion Titanic fangirls. Ned is "really attracted to her mind. She's mature, and he feels he can learn so much from her. It's sexy!" Is it just me or does that sound a little bit like shade? Oh, well, wishing all the best to the Rocknrolls.