You could empty a bottle of Zoloft being sad about Bullet to the Head. It was directed and cowritten by the man who made The Driver, The Warriors, 48 Hours, and Trespass, and who either cowrote or coproduced the entire Alien series — Walter Hill. It misses being John Woo's Bullet in the Head by both a preposition and about a million miles. It stars Sylvester Stallone. I don't know what the movie's about. Men go crashing through cabinets at a tattoo parlor and appear to bleed tomato paste. The finale is set in a vacant warehouse, which at this point in action-movie history is like giving your wife a vacuum cleaner on her birthday.
Stallone is Jimmy Bobo, a Hit Man Who Reluctantly Teams Up With a Renegade Detective (Who's Also Reluctant About the Team-Up). They're trying to bring down a New Orleans crime syndicate that's composed of a crippled African, the guy who played Conan the Barbarian (Jason Momoa) in that remake two summers ago, and Christian Slater. The money spared for exciting locations was spent to hire extras to fall down the stairs in generic ones.
This is a movie about a prison break. No big deal, right? They made a whole TV show about one that lasted for an improbably long time! Except ... WAIT. This prison is in space (so why it is not called Space Jail, I am sure I don't know), PLUS the break occurs when the prison is hosting a visit from the president's daughter, and the only way to get her out is to send in a disgraced former government agent who's a total loose cannon. Now are you interested?! Well, don't be: I saw it opening day and it's pretty boring.
The once and future Tim Riggins (Taylor Kitsch) dons extraplanetary swords and sandals to strap up for this seemingly humorless sci-fi gladiator epic about imperialism. "You are ugly, but you are beautiful." You are silly, movies about squinty stoic heroes saving princesses from things.
Sequels: Man on a Drawbridge, Man in a Fridge, Man by a Hedge. Sam Worthington is the man, and Elizabeth Banks, Jamie Oliver, or Edward Burns are the ledge. Pablo F. Fenjves, the screenwriter, has previously written mostly TV movies with titles like Trophy Wife, The Devil's Child, Bloodhounds I & II, and When the Dark Man Calls.
Sports Illustrated/Victoria’s Secret model Marisa Miller will make her feature film debut in R.I.P.D.. The movie stars Jeff Bridges and Ryan Reynolds as two dead cops who work in the "Rest in Peace Department," where they monitor ghosts who refuse to move on. Miller plays Bridge’s human form, what people see when he’s on Earth. And never again will more 12-year-old boys leave a movie theater saying, “I want to see Jeff Bridge’s character naked.” Grade: C- [HR]
Diane Keaton’s HBO series Tilda — which was loosely based on the life of Hollywood blogger Nikki Finke — did not make it to the air, but the network still wants to make it work with Diane, so they've signed her to a holding deal. Until a show of hers is picked up, though, Keaton will earn her keep by working as a PA on Hung. Grade: A [Variety]
