Justin Bieber Cheated on Selena Gomez a Lot: "HIGH ON DRUGS, TEEN STAR JUSTIN BIEBER CHEATED ON SELENA GOMEZ WITH A SEXY STRANGER." Just before the holidays, Bieb had a "drug-fueled hookup with another girl." The drug was mostly weed, and the girl was voluptuous 22-year-old L.A. nursing student Mimi Jenson. They were introduced by Lil' Twist, and went to a weed store in Hollywood, a McDonald's, and then back to the hotel. There they "did a lot more than eat." I bet they got a hundred-piece McNuggets. They also "smoked pot and used a baby bottle to measure out the ingredients for sizzurp, the street cocktail made famous by Three 6 Mafia and Ke$ha." Mull that sentence, please.
Scarlett Johansson Is Depressed: "She was totally out of control in Moscow recently" at a champagne brand's promo event. "She was drinking nonstop and barely slept. It was obvious that she was trying to numb her feelings." She's sad about her breakup with ad exec Nate Naylor. "She's not used to going home alone — it's a shock to her system. The fact that Ryan Reynolds is happily married while she's single again has done a number on her. And the drinking is taking its toll — she's been crying because she feels so fat." She got a lucky horseshoe tattooed on her ribcage "because she's feeling a bit unlucky." A rebound with ex-boyfriend Jared Leto quickly went south. "She thought a fling with Jared would make her feel better, but since it was only a hookup, it only made things worse." Time for Lost in Translation 2? I know I'd pay good money to watch Scarlett be sad in Russia.
10:00 Christina Aguilera is performing on the AMAs and it's terrifying. Absolutely terrifying. And my TV's on mute.
CHANNEL CHANGE
10:01Breaking Amish, how I've missed you. It's been a while, you lying fakers. Also, hello host of the reunion special, Michelle Beadle. I have a feeling this is going to get ugly. I hope you're ready, Beadle.
Ah, the American Music Awards. For 40 years now they've been going strong, unspooling a rich populist music history. (Did you know that in 1974 Donny Osmond co-hosted with a 16-year-old Michael Jackson? Amazing.) And yet, every year, I totally forget they exist. But they do! And last night, the 2012 edition took place at the Nokia Theater in lovely Los Angeles, California. What went down?
"It's hard being such a powerful woman in the business. I'm known for not always being warm and fuzzy, because you'll just get bulldozed over." — Christina Aguilera
You cannot only sort of listen to Christina Aguilera. You are either inside the Aguileran maelstrom — deep lungs inflating the cartoonish cleavage as a blonde hair-cape whips all around you and melismas rain down like a hail of bullets — or you are not. Christina does not play the background. On Lotus — her first album since 2010's flop Bionic and the decent-but-far-from-stellar reception to her musical Burlesque — Aguilera strives to reclaim her title as the heavyweight vocal champion in a post-Adele world.
Justin Timberlake & Jessica Biel: "You could safely call him a groomzilla." Having gotten over his "inability to commit," Timberlake threw himself into planning the $6.5 million ceremony, renting an Italian resort for the wedding and flying guests in on chartered jets. "Justin planned a series of mini-celebrations leading up to the evening ceremony. Guests were treated to a seafood feast followed by a fireworks display on the beach the day they arrived." He chose Biel's "6-carat princess-cut engagement ring without consulting her" and "picked out Jess's gown from sketches. She trusts him." Well, that's her first mistake.
It’s been 11 years since P!nk did 5,000 sit-ups, oiled up her abs, and wiggled her way through a forgettable verse in “Lady Marmalade.” That song, which reached no. 1 on pretty much every chart in the world, put P!nk on the map as “the one who comes after Mya, but before Lil' Kim.” Her backup status was understandable at the time — nobody, save Biggie, has ever shared a stage with Lil' Kim without getting out-somethinged. Xtina was hovering somewhere around a 98 out of 100 on the upstaging presence scale back in 2001 — even Celine would have had a hard time blowing her off the mic. But something a bit unexpected happened after Moulin Rouge. Lil' Kim kept getting locked up. Mya disappeared completely, save the time The Game shouted out her ass on the cover of King Magazine. Xtina went soft/inspirational with “Beautiful” — her top Diva jam of all time — but quickly fell off as the public grew weary of the tween pop saturation of the late '90s and early aughts. All the while, P!nk quietly scrapped together a persona, mostly with the help of that girl with the fucked-up hat from Four Non Blondes.
Christina Aguilera: Xtina "is still a boozing mess!" At Spago she "drank so much wine and champagne that she couldn't even walk to her car." Boyfriend Matt Rutler supported her on the way out to the car. "Christina loves to drink and has a problem with knowing when enough is enough. Matt has told Christina that she should slow down on the alcohol when they are at dinners, but she gets mad and tells him she'll do what she wants." She hates dieting and "lives off champagne and pasta. But she still believes she is healthy and doesn't think that she needs to work out." All she wants to do is drink her rosé!
Is 2012 going to be Christina Aguilera's year? The past few years have seen her take a few faltering steps involving shading a soon-to-be-everywhere Lady Gaga, developing a drunk diva reputation in the tabloids after her divorce, dropping an eclectic electropop album called Bionic right when electropop became beyond oversaturated, and getting her period onstage while performing at Etta James's funeral. She has regained some ground over the past year, emerging as the highest-paid judge and queen bitch of The Voice and guesting on the relentlessly annoying/catchy/omnipresent Maroon 5 song "Moves Like Jagger." Aguilera is a perfectionist whose tendency to overdo it on runs and melismas is her biggest weakness. I heard "Beautiful" on the easy-listening station in my car earlier today and was noticing just how spare and sensitive the vocals are for an Aguilera song. She gets accused of wasting her instrument by embroidering songs without adding any real emotion. But because we know she is capable of turning it out when she feels like it and is given the proper material, we expect her to turn it the fuck out every single time.
Rihanna and Chris: "Of the 100 people gathered gathered to ring in Rihanna's 24th birthday at a Beverly Hills mansion the day before Valentine's Day, only one stood out: her abusive ex-boyfriend, Chris Brown." A witness says, "Rihanna and Chris were very much together. He was touching her butt, rubbing her arm, and they kept dancing with each other. They seemed like a couple to everyone." But while they have "been covertly hooking up for almost a year" they have finally "become more open about their mutual affection." A Riri pal says, "Chris was a strong first love for her that she wants to hold on to. They had a violent, stormy relationship. Her friends obviously think this reunion is crazy — but nobody can tell Rihanna what to do." And since it was her birthday, nobody said an unkind word about Brown's presence, who "kept his gaze on Rihanna until past 4 am," saying "Isn't Rihanna beautiful?" to fellow party guest LaLa Vasquez Anthony. Chris "will always love Rihanna" and would drop girlfriend Karrueche Tran (whose face he recently had tatted on his arm) if Rihanna asked — but Rihanna prefers the control and power she currently has over him, even if Chris still has the upper hand. "She likes the loose nature of it and she doesn't want a boyfriend. This is dangerous, and she likes playing with fire."
1. Professor Green feat. Emeli Sande, "Read All About It"
Ever wish somebody would combine the elevator-hip-hop of B.O.B.'s "Airplanes" with the angry-dad-yelling-at-you-to-clean-your-room lyrical stylings of Eminem's "Love The Way You Lie" and melt down any hard edges until it sounds somefing loike the Black Eyed Mushy Peas? Yeah, me neither. Hackney-born rapper Professor Green tosses in Scottish R&B chanteuse Emeli Sandé and caramelizes it all down into an inspirational lite-rap melange that makes Drake sound like Scarface in comparison. Best YouTube Comment: "Makes want to start BAWLING this EPIC TUNE don't you dare compare him to someone aCOMPLETELEY different" —dandamankevin Grade: C-
