Welcome back to our series Rembert Explains the ’80s. Every so often, we'll e-mail 25-year-old Rembert Browne a video from the 1980s that he hasn't seen. Rembert will write down his thoughts as he's watching it, then we'll post those thoughts here. This week's installment was selected by Grantland editor-in-chief Bill Simmons: "Dancing in the Dark" by Bruce Springsteen. If you have an idea for a future episode of Rembert Explains the '80s, e-mail us at firstname.lastname@example.org.
A conversation earlier, on the Internet:
Grantland editor Dan Fierman: Do we spoil for Rem who gets up on the stage? Bill Simmons: No. Rembert Browne: The only thing I know about this video before watching it is that Courteney Cox looks like a hot girlboy and gets onstage.
Rembert's Note: This video is not ideal for a live blog, seeing as that 75 percent of the video is simply Bruce's face. The odd locations, shoddy graphics tricks, and hard-to-follow plot lines that I've grown accustomed to in these '80s clips are nowhere to be found in this four-minute video. While this is all true, the "Dancing in the Dark" video is too good not to discuss, so I figured maybe it was time for me to finally "explain" what's happening in one of these clips. Every single aspect of it.
Michelle Williams and Jason Segel: "No more blue valentines for Michelle Williams! The demure three-time Oscar nominee has fallen for longtime pal Jason Segel." The demure Jason Segel, you mean. "They are smitten and very serious." Despite living on opposite coasts, they've been spotted having dinner on both. "He put his arm around her and made her laugh as they walked."
Pregnant Jessica Simpson Is the Best Quote Machine:
"Oh, my God, y'all. I just had a daydream that my vagina ate a bag of Skittles!"
"I made 'slutty' brownies today!"
"The average person expels gas 15 times each day. The average pregnant woman farts 15 times that!"
"It's time for my big girl panties and sleeping bra!"
"I feel like I have a bowling ball sitting on my hoo-ha. Apparently I have a lot of amniotic fluid, so whenever my water breaks, it will be like a fire hydrant!"
"I just started calling myself Swamp Ass. Like, I have 'swamp ass' right now. I had major swamp ass because I was wearing these Spanx to hold in my gut. It's like the bayou up in that region."
Steven Soderbergh’s Liberace movie has been in the works for years, and now it’s got both a home and big-name lead actors. HBO has picked up Behind the Candelabra and set Michael Douglas to star as Liberace, with Matt Damon playing his live-in lover Scott Thorson; the movie will revolve around their relationship. This is great news and everything, but now we’re going to have to come up with a new title for our candelabra documentary. Grade: A [HR]