Ashton Kutcher and Mila Kunis: "Friends with benefits?" Kelso and Jackie "took a mini-vacation together" to Carpinteria. They stopped at a roadside stand where "Mila bought sunflowers and blueberries," then had sushi for lunch. "They hadn't seen each other for years" but got back in touch during a That 70's Show reunion segment for Fox's 25th anniversary special. "He's so not her type." And as for Ashton's famous wandering eye? "Mila wouldn't stand for that kind of stuff. She's a strong, smart girl."
Michelle Williams and Jason Segel: "No more blue valentines for Michelle Williams! The demure three-time Oscar nominee has fallen for longtime pal Jason Segel." The demure Jason Segel, you mean. "They are smitten and very serious." Despite living on opposite coasts, they've been spotted having dinner on both. "He put his arm around her and made her laugh as they walked."
Pregnant Jessica Simpson Is the Best Quote Machine:
"Oh, my God, y'all. I just had a daydream that my vagina ate a bag of Skittles!"
"I made 'slutty' brownies today!"
"The average person expels gas 15 times each day. The average pregnant woman farts 15 times that!"
"It's time for my big girl panties and sleeping bra!"
"I feel like I have a bowling ball sitting on my hoo-ha. Apparently I have a lot of amniotic fluid, so whenever my water breaks, it will be like a fire hydrant!"
"I just started calling myself Swamp Ass. Like, I have 'swamp ass' right now. I had major swamp ass because I was wearing these Spanx to hold in my gut. It's like the bayou up in that region."
Miley Cyrus vs. Jennifer Lawrence In ... The Hemsworth Games: "While cuddling up to her boyfriend of nearly three years, Hunger Games hunk Liam Hemsworth, the former teen queen couldn't help but notice that her man's hands were clutching his phone. Miley saw that he was texting his co-star, Jennifer Lawrence. She was livid!" This article is already better than The Marriage Plot. With Miley's "worst fear becoming a reality" she's become "desperate to keep Liam," getting tattoos with him and obsessing daily over the state of her hot body. "While it would have annoyed Miley to see Liam, 22, texting any woman late at night, the jealous star's blood boiled to learn that he was chatting with the beautiful, talented Jennifer." That's right, Hollywood, only one beautiful talented girl allowed at a time! "Miley is threatened by Jennifer's career and confidence." After Miley's last thespian effort, The Last Song, tanked, "Jennifer has replaced her as Hollywood's new It Girl. And now Miley's terrified that she'll replace her as Liam's girlfriend too." Not to worry, Miley, Lawrence is smitten with her X-Men: First Class co-star Nicholas Hoult. But shooting the next two Hunger Games movies in the fall will isolate Lawrence and Hemsworth from their partners, and "their relationship will have another Miley-free opportunity to blossom." The panicked Cyrus "is not going to let him go so easily!"
Sandra Bullock and Brett Ratner: "Sad for so long," Bullock was "miserable" after her marriage to Jesse James fell apart with a cheating scandal and Ryan Reynolds rebuked her advances in favor of the younger and blonder Blake Lively. But "cuddling with a new male companion at an after-hours party on Oscar night, Sandra Bullock looked happier than she's been in nearly two years." Friends were stoked until they "realized who her mystery man was: Hollywood's sleaziest bad boy, Brett Ratner." Sandra's rep issued an immediate denial, but eyewitnesses say she was "hanging out a lot" with 42-year-old Ratner, "who has crudely bragged about sleeping with a slew of starlets and resigned from his latest job producing the Academy Awards after using an anti-gay slur." Maybe Sandy likes bad boys, but "Brett is a real player. He always talks about meeting girls and partying." Could be he's all talk and shrimp juice, if you listened to what Olivia Munn had to say about their brief casting couch encounter. "She wanted somebody her age or older — a tough guy who could handle her lifestyle, but with enough dating experience that he wouldn't want to cheat on her like Jesse did." She spent Oscar week flirting with Ratner and fellow "notorious player Gerard Butler." She's serious about settling down, and "her need to be in a relationship has trumped" her good judgment, although "she isn't looking for a fling. She is looking for a man to grow old with, who can help her raise Louis — a nice, decent guy."
And when you think nice and decent, you think Ratner, who "recently bragged on The Howard Stern Show that he wraps it up because, "If I breathe on a girl she can get pregnant."
The Bachelor Saga Continues: "As quickly as the snowcapped mountains faded in the distance, so did Flajnik's feelings for his betrothed. As Courtney Robertson's abhorrent behavior unfolded on TV, Ben began having issues with what he saw. Instead of talking to Courtney about it, he just started avoiding her. They haven't split, but he basically stopped talking to her. He buried his head in the sand." HEALTHY! "And then he turned his attention to other women." Back in San Francisco, Flajnik has been "cheating on Robertson" with "three different women." I mean, he did say he always wanted to have sex with a model, not that he wanted to grow old with one. "He's drinking and hitting on women, and pretty much acting like a single guy," hanging out at Bay Area dive bars "teeming with Bud Light cans, free popcorn, and adoring Flajnik fans wearing skimpy clothing." Ladies Love Cool Flajnik. After the bar it's All Star Donuts, where Ben picked up a dozen. "I'm well-versed in doughnutspeak," he supposedly said (what?). After taking one girl home, he was spotted with another the very next day. "Ben went on The Bachelor to gain fame, money, and exposure for his business. Why not complete the package by choosing a model named Courtney who is nothing more than arm candy? He has always been an egomaniac and narcissistic." Meanwhile Courtney is finding that turnabout is fair play.
Demi: "From the way Demi Moore was behaving on one January night, she may as well have been a college kid at a dive bar on spring break." The 49-year-old actress "looked out of her mind" partying with her 23-year-old daughter, Rumer. "She was dancing wildly, lifting up her shirt to show off her six-pack. Just desperate for attention. She was trying to seem sexy and cool." At an after-hours kickback in her Beverly Hills house, Moore smoked "an incense-like substance" (possibly the legal faux-marijuana Spice). "Everyone there thought she was going to die." She was treated at an ER. "Demi's life is in complete crisis. She has spiraled since her split from Ashton. She has no idea who she is or what her life should be." Her split from Kutcher "sent Moore's deep-rooted insecurity about aging into overdrive." "Once Hollywood's hottest and highest-paid actress," Demi viewed daughter Rumer "as her clubgoing wingwoman and an entrée into the young Hollywood scene." A friend of Rumer's says, "It's so weird." Demi has been "chasing" Zac Efron. She "tracked down the actor at a party" in Venice. "She just showed up, and everyone was pretty freaked out. They thought it was weird she would hang out with people half her age. She calls him and texts him a lot, but he's not interested at all. He thinks she's a creepy cougar." Oh no, not the C-words! "She seemed out of her mind at this party." At Beacher's Madhouse "a sloppy Moore danced on tables." A few nights later she chugged 10 Red Bulls. "She always wanted to seem young and fun to keep up with Ashton's friends. Her age made her feel insecure enough, but if she was sober as well, she felt like she was a killjoy." She "turned to bizarre beauty treatments, like using leeches." You mean like Jenna Maroney on last week's 30 Rock? "She would do anything to stay youthful."
Whippets are the least glamorous drug known to man. The term “whippets” is already demoralizing, bringing to mind anorexic dogs, run-down supermarket refrigerator aisles, and shaggy teenagers in a dirty rec room. The coverage of Demi Moore’s reported whippet overdose is no less grubby: Here, an unflattering paparazzi photo of Rumer Willis on TMZ with a comment up at the top from Satan saying, “Boy! She has one ugly face." Over there, a 10-minute recording of the 911 call nobody was meant to hear, with dog-ear-deafening prolonged censor beeps and a three-minute interlude about gate codes.
Demi Moore has joined the biopic Lovelace as Gloria Steinem, whose involvement in the story came through a profile she wrote of Linda Lovelace for Ms. describing how the porn actress was forced into shooting the infamous Deep Throat. Also newly onboard are Adam Brody, as Deep Throat co-star Harry Reems, and Eric Roberts, as lie-detector expert Nat Laurendi. Wait, hold up, sorry: Seth Cohen is playing a porn star? Probably should have led with that information. Grade: B [HR]
Miley Cyrus: MARIJUANA OVERDOSE! "GIRL GONE WILD!" A picture of Miley with downcast eyes in a Kurt Cobain T-shirt. "Miley was smoking so much weed, her friends were afraid that she had overdosed!" Her friends are idiots. "Her eyes were extremely glassed over, and she was talking gibberish. She looked messed up. People were really concerned." Miley's pals sound like a bunch of snitches. Also, it's WEED, y'all. She'll be fine. Chillin' even. "It's not the first time Miley has gotten out of control, and she runs with a very shady, drug-using crowd." Again, as long as the only drug they're using is weed, she'll be A-OK. "We're afraid Miley will overdose badly at some point." I mean, maybe on Doritos. Miley "smokes pot until she passes out." Sounds like a gateway drug to watching marathons of The Millionaire Matchmaker. She shuts down criticism with "we're partying, and it's early." Too much marijuana "could cripple the chart-topper's vocal chords and damage brain cells." Reefer Madness Montana may not know that pot "increases dopamine levels, but they then drop below the normal levels and it's difficult to get them to return — so people try harder drugs." Even without harder drugs, "a marijuana overdose — symptoms of which include feelings of paranoia or fear, vomiting, increased heart rate, hallucination, and disorientation — can occur." A sidebar suggests that Miley's extra-perky cleavage is a result of a breast augmentation, rather than of being 19. Miley is "sick of always having to apologize for her behavior." And I'm sick of all these BUZZKILLS bringing down my girl Miley's HIGH, MAAAAAN. Now pass the fucking moon rock vaporizer this-a-way, please.
Oh hiiiiiii! It's your weekly frenemy, the tabloids, back to humblebrag about how hard it is to have the perfect husband, children, and job. You've been looking kind of tired lately! Maybe you ought to take it easy on the cocktails during holiday parties this month, especially since you're trying to meet someone. Oh, you're seeing somebody? Huh, that guy. Yeah I don't know about that. Anyway, I'm sooooo busy making tiny coral wreaths for my daughter Gingerbeer's fish-tank nativity and poaching a brie-stuffed boar sous-vide for dinner. I better go. Luv yaaaaaaa!
They should really just rename all of these tabloids Judging Other Women for Their Choices and Appearance Magazine. Can you imagine if men's magazines were like this instead of the monthly blowjobs to manliness (suits! whiskey! cars! titties! war!) that they are? What if there were a Bros Weekly and the stories were like, "Darren Aronofsky: Did He Put His Career Before His Marriage?" "Are Leo's Friends Making Fun of Him Behind His Back?" "Clint Eastwood Wishes He Was the Young Clint Eastwood"? Feeling old? Feeling fat? Feeling ugly and insecure, like your fabulous wife is going to leave you for James Bond? Now multiply that times a billion and you know what it's like to be a woman who consumes media. These magazines are like a passive-aggressive friend that hates you and makes you feel terrible about yourself. I love the good men's magazines because they make me feel cool and informed and ready to slam dunk the Henderson account. Tabloids and women's beauty magazines all make me want to stab myself in the face with an emerald.
Every week there are five new gossip magazines covering the same mostly imaginary stories. We scan them for you and select the choicest bits. Consider this your primer for the water cooler.
Can men handle being visually dissected? Studies show that both genders feel insecure when they sense their appearance is being inspected and judged by an audience, particularly if they are partially clothed for the judgment. Nobody likes to think they are coming up short. What then to make of People's annual "Sexiest Man Alive" issue, which mostly reduces men down to their looks, as media so often does to women? Sure, these guys get bios and there are some jolie laide dudes thrown in, but mostly this is about pure eye candy. And the winner this year is … Bradley Cooper! Oh. The Internet deemed this a surprise upset, as Ryan Gosling was clearly the favorite to win, having saturated the market and panties of his female fan base during the 2011 season and forced men to begrudgingly deem him "cool" after seeing him smash heads in Drive. Bradley Cooper was in The Hangover Part II.
Every week there are five new gossip magazines covering the same mostly imaginary stories. We scan them for you and select the choicest bits. Consider this your primer for the water cooler.
This week's Top 6 stories:
1. Kim's Divorce, of course. "When a subdued Kim Kardashian, dressed in a skin-tight Poison Ivy costume ..." Wait, stop right there. I can't. I'm sorry. I just can't. How can a human being be subdued in a Poison Ivy costume? Depressed, maybe. You can be depressed in a slutty costume, sure. But subdued? A Poison Ivy costume is the exact opposite of subdued. It says "LOOK AT ME I AM A SEXY GINGER PLANTMONSTER!!!" I guess I always saw Kim as kind of a Katwoman, because she's more of a Selena Kyle (out at galas, interested in jewels) than a Dr. Pamela Isley (alone in the lab with her plants). Oh, I guess she did that two years ago. Anyway, Us suggests she dumped Kris Humphries not for any of the reasons we all assumed but because he made a bad investment in a company with a friend of his, which is now the subject of federal fraud charges. A shrewd businesswoman to the core. Maybe Kim should date Nucky Thompson.
Every week there are five new gossip magazines covering the same mostly imaginary stories. We scan them for you and select the choicest bits. Consider this your primer for the water cooler.
This week's best almost-definitely-fabricated "Exclusive" is in Star magazine and it claims Jennifer Aniston and Justin Theroux eloped in Mexico. Aniston already denied it, so no dice. She even said that her recent minuscule weight gain that the mags have pounced on as evidence of a pregnancy was the result of having recently quit smoking (good 4 u girl!). Looks like Aniston has finally learned how to play the tabloids and win. The other rags focus on Kim Kardashian's "rocky" marriage to Kris Humphries, The Real Housewives of New Jersey, and Dancing With the Stars fan favorite J.R. Martinez. The best picture that gained weird meaning from appearing repeatedly in different magazines was a very staged Vegas photo op of Kim K. and Kris Humphries posing over a cake shaped like the two of them driving a convertible. Strangely revealing, yet empty of real import, a bit like Ms. Kim K. herself.
