Sean the Bachelor Is a Virgin: Despite one date where he "cuddled and made snow angels" and another involving "a catamaran ride to a private island," this season's The Bachelor contestant, Sean Lowe, is abstinent. As in "chaste." As in, he still has his V-card? "Sean doesn't want to have sex until he's married." Turns out he's a born-again virgin. "Though Lowe did have sex in college, he embraced religion in his twenties and no longer believes in premarital relations." Oh. Producers claim they didn't exactly know, but, yeah, right. "By the time Lowe whittled down the women to his final three, these potential wives were eager to pass first base." Normally, the fantasy suite dates are known for being sex marathons, "but instead of seducing them, Lowe revealed his idea of a fantasy: waiting until marriage." Oh. "The women didn't see it coming. They were disappointed." Hopefully, producers provided them with vibrators or something. "He had some pretty intense makeout sessions." A virgin who only ever wants to make out? Sounds like Taylor Swift has finally found her future husband.
Miranda Lambert & Blake Shelton: Splitting up is not on the table for the country supercouple. Lambert says she's questioned whether her marriage to Shelton will last "a million" times. "Divorce is not an option," Lambert said. "I will fight to the death. I am a ninja." That seems like a weird thing to say about your relationship. In order to keep communication open, Lambert and Shelton "are allowed to snoop through each other's phones." Has she never heard of a burner? They never spend longer than two weeks away from each other. "We text a lot. Even if it's just sending a picture of the onion rings we're eating!" OK, that seems less weird. They bond at home, "hang out on the porch, drink beer and cook burgers." Lambert says "I think it's important as a married couple to be friends." This all feels strangely defensive. I'm rooting for Lambert (how could I not be?), so I hope things work out.
Chris Brown/Rihanna/Drake: "Chris Brown was soaking in the revelry" at W.I.P. with his girlfriend Karrueche Tran. He "sent a bottle of Ace of Spades champagne to Drake," who sent it it back with a note reading "I am fucking the love of your life." Thus began a bottle fight, which ended with Brown's cutting his chin and Tony Parker scratching his cornea. "They tore the club apart" and started "a bloody melee" fighting about Rihanna, who is on her Cleopatra shit. She even got a new ankle tattoo of an Egyptian falcon shaped like a gun. Rihanna heard about it and "was cracking up. Men fighting over her? Please. She loves the drama!" A friend of Brown's says, "These guys are fighting over Rihanna. She is the dude in this sitch and they are acting like girls." Yes, because men never have petty catfights (LOL).
Taylor Swift and John Mayer: "Every guy in Hollywood knows the drill: Cross Taylor Swift and end up with a song about you." Drill Taylor Swift, and risk ending up with a whole album's worth of songs about you. And so John Mayer steps up to defend himself against Swift's "Dear John." He says "It made me feel terrible. Because I didn't deserve it." Get that? He didn't feel terrible because she struck a chord with her lyrics about how he's "an expert at sorry and keeping lines blurry." A "blindsided" Mayer snipes, "it was a really lousy thing for her to do." Funny how he who dishes it out the loudest ("sexual napalm") can't take it for even a second. "It really humiliated me at a time when I'd already been dressed down. I mean, how would you feel if, at the lowest you've ever been, someone kicked you even lower?" I don't know, how would I feel if somebody said they had a "Benetton heart and a fuckin' David Duke cock"? A friend of Swift's says "He played her and now he's claiming he got played? What a loser." Mayer's sources claim Mayer had "thwarted" Swift's advances because "she was too young" and he "didn't feel comfortable going there." Swift's friends tell a different fairy tale. "John was a player and treated her like shit. She felt like he looked at her as a conquest." Mayer's new roots-rock album Born and Raised debuted at no. 1, while Swift recently had a Valentine's Day "pathetic single girls" party. Sure seems like Mayer and Swift are destined for some Rhett Butler and Scarlett O'Hara realness.