Bad news, fellow Beliebers: Justin Bieber has been busted in Sweden. With drugs. Well, with weed. Also, a stun gun.
The news came first via Stockholm police, who said Bieber's tour bus was searched because cops smelled what they believed was marijuana smoke emanating. OK, but check this out: The cops smelled the smoke while the bus was parked outside of Bieber's hotel. They didn't move in, though, until Bieber's show that night, sending in a special narcotics unit while the bus was empty. Were Stockholm PD terrified of what bloodbath might occur if they entered the bus while Bieber was onboard? Or did they really just not want to hear anyone say the word "swaggy" out loud? Anyway, they found what was originally reported to be a "small amount of drugs" that was being "sent to a laboratory for an analysis." So are Stockholm's cops officially the nerdiest cops in the world? They don't know any recreational-drug aficionados they can call up and be like "Bro, bro, what the hell is this?"
Obviously, you should not hitchhike unless you really have no other choice. It's also wise, in general, to avoid killing someone with a hatchet. But if you HAVE to hitchhike, and you HAVE to kill someone with a hatchet, you really should do it just like this. Homeless hitchhiker Kai Has-No-Last-Name ("No, bro, I don't have anything"), of indeterminate age ("I can't call it"), is maybe the only person who has ever been a hero in a story involving thumbing a ride and blunt force trauma.
There's a nugget buried deep within today's THR interview with Mike Darnell, the Fox reality-TV mastermind who brought us such civilization-ending classics as The Swan, Moment of Truth, and Let's See Which Fifth Grader Lasts Longest Wearing a Basket of Hungry Cobras on His Head, that hints at a better world than the one in which we live, one where two rejected pitches were green-lit, ran for 10 cycles, and revolutionized semi-scripted television as we know it:
For years I have had a recurring anxiety dream where I am going through a security checkpoint and realize too late that I'm carrying weed. Yesterday Fiona Apple made my anxiety dream an anxiety reality when she got nabbed on drug possession charges while passing through West Texas, forcing her to postpone shows in Houston and Austin. A mugshot surfaced shortly thereafter on TMZ, showing Apple with her eyes closed in a deep "this world is bullshit" trance. The miserable-looking mugshot was quickly papered all over the Internet, Fiona's dark brown mid-length cut with bangs recalling Jane Fonda, another celebrity with her own arrest photo.
If you liked The Wire enough during its five uncompromising seasons on HBO but wished it'd had more in common with Anything Goes, I have splendid news! Coming to the Players Theatre, it's The Wire: The Musical! Mr. Omar (Michael K. Williams) won't just whistle, he'll sing and dance! Kima (Sonja Sohn) shows off a little hoofing while getting to know her dissolute colleague McNulty (Not Dominic West)! Bubbles (Andre Royo) details the heart-wrenching details of his struggle with drug addiction in a rousing gospel number that'll bring the house down! Plus: Isn't Faizon Love a better Stringer Bell, when you really think about it? "I'm pretty sure David Simon doesn't know they're doing this," says the New York Times. "But if he did, he'd love it!" And so will you.
It's Valenscience Day! "Love, arguably the most positive of all human emotions, also comes with a dark side." Let us journey into the pink darkness together.
1. E.T. Exists: Not only that, but he knows we are out there, and is avoiding us for some infuriating, unknowable reason. Mathematician Thomas Hair says, “We’re either alone, or they’re out there and leave us alone." Which is worse, being completely alone in the universe or knowing that there is a sexy alien love-force who just refuses to reciprocate your flirty advances on Facebook and SETI?
Editor's Note: Welcome back to our series Rembert Explains the '80s. Every so often, we'll e-mail 24-year-old Rembert Browne a video from the 1980s that he hasn't seen. Rembert will write down his thoughts as he's watching it, then we'll post those thoughts here. This week's installment was selected by our Hollywood Prospectus editor/Aaron Rodgers Impersonator, Mark Lisanti: The Snorks (Episode 1). If you have an idea for a future episode of Rembert Explains the '80s, e-mail us at firstname.lastname@example.org.
With Tyler the Creator on his best, most grateful behavior at Sunday’s VMAs, the lane was wide open for someone to step in and wreak havoc. Nathan Williams and Steve Pope, of sunny San Diego punk act Wavves, were game. The two kept a running Twitter log of their drug-fueled mischief (example: “I guess I’m takin this acid #staytuned #vmasmeltdown”), which ended with Pope getting the boot from the Nokia Theatre. So how, exactly, do you get kicked out of the VMAs?