It was one o'clock in the morning and I was reaching the end of the Internet when I came across a sweepstakes called "Do Us a Flavor" hosted by Lay's potato chips. 2009's "Do Us a Flavour" contest, hosted by Smith's (Australian for Lay's), featured finalists such as "Lucas' Late Night Kebab," which boasted a "definite lamb flavour." This is not a plug for the Lay’s sweepstakes, because I want to win ("Chip Off the Old Cluck": Crispy fried chicken and the finest Belgian frites commingle with a sprinkling of the very rarest sea salt; in my haste I misspelled "commingle" as "comingle" in my submission, but whatever, I'm up against S'MORES) and I don't want you to steal my million dollars. Instead, this is a look into the sick minds of the other people who are my competition.
Michelle Williams and Jason Segel: "No more blue valentines for Michelle Williams! The demure three-time Oscar nominee has fallen for longtime pal Jason Segel." The demure Jason Segel, you mean. "They are smitten and very serious." Despite living on opposite coasts, they've been spotted having dinner on both. "He put his arm around her and made her laugh as they walked."
Pregnant Jessica Simpson Is the Best Quote Machine:
"Oh, my God, y'all. I just had a daydream that my vagina ate a bag of Skittles!"
"I made 'slutty' brownies today!"
"The average person expels gas 15 times each day. The average pregnant woman farts 15 times that!"
"It's time for my big girl panties and sleeping bra!"
"I feel like I have a bowling ball sitting on my hoo-ha. Apparently I have a lot of amniotic fluid, so whenever my water breaks, it will be like a fire hydrant!"
"I just started calling myself Swamp Ass. Like, I have 'swamp ass' right now. I had major swamp ass because I was wearing these Spanx to hold in my gut. It's like the bayou up in that region."