Is Justin Timberlake Cheating on His Wife? The rumors started "when Justin Timberlake left a party at Philadephia's Sigma Sound Studios with a beautiful blonde close behind." Has his commitment to monogamy already gone bye bye bye? Nah, it's his cousin. "Should I just go ahead and change my name to mystery blonde?" tweeted the blonde, Caitlynn Timberlake. "The party gossip, however, has affected Justin's wife. It's no lie that Jessica is getting sick of all these rumors about her new husband. It's even more annoying because the truth is they're very much in love and are talking about starting a family next year. So for him to be linked to a woman who happens to be in the same picture is starting to wear a bit thin." Well, don't hold hands with any mystery blondes in front of photographers, Justinnnnn.
Kate Middleton & Kim Kardashian Raising Children Alone: "They may seem to have it all, but with absent partners and no homes of their own, both Kate Duchess of Cambridge and Kim Kardashian are struggling with motherhood." And their names both begin with K! Both ladies are "alone, as their international icon baby daddies, Prince William and Kanye West, step out without them, partying it up with pals and heading back to work, away from the nest." Kate and William moved in with Kate's parents, rather than hire full-time nannies. "The truth is, Kate wants this baby to grow up normal. No fuss, no bother and few servants." LOL YEAH RIGHT. Will has escaped the house as much as possible, playing polo with his brother and fulfilling his duties in the Royal Air Force. "It's all a bit too loved-up for him. He was thrilled to play first-time dad, but now he's content to leave it to the ladies. He's learned how to change a diaper, but like any action man, William is starting to feel he's more use to the military." What is an action man?
George Clooney & Eva Longoria: "Back in March — while he was still dating Stacy Keibler, 33 — Clooney, 52, connected with Eva Longoria, 38, in Berlin." Oh shit! "George told her that he was still with Stacy, but had plans to break up with her — and was interested in being with Eva. Then he pursued Eva with texts and calls, though they never hooked up."
Kim's Diva Delivery: "Kanye West has spent the past month tirelessly promoting his new album, Yeezus, not even letting girlfriend Kim Kardashian's difficult pregnancy get in the way of his international performance schedule and record-listening parties." O RLY? "But when Kim, 32, called Kanye, 36, a few hours before his Yeezus event in Hollywood on June 14 and told him she was having stomach pains, he canceled his appearance and rushed to her side." Kim delivered, prematurely, a "relatively healthy baby girl." Kim had promised Kanye that there would be no cameras in the delivery room, but she broke that promise. "Kim planned all along to allow cameras into the room and even kicked Kanye out when he became enraged by it. She totally blindsided him!" I hope this story isn't true, and I kind of assume it isn't. Kanye "tried multiple times to have the crews removed but Kris stepped in to direct the production — and a fight erupted. Kanye tried to tell Kris that it's his baby and she needs to butt out, but she gave him an evil look and told him that Kim is her daughter and she has more say over that baby than he ever will." HAIL SATAN.
Is Kanye Gay and Secretly Dating Fashion Designer Riccardo Tisci? Kim Kardashian was humiliated after Vogue editors cropped her floral print bowling ball dress out of every shot of Kanye at the Met Ball. "But Kim's humiliation ran much deeper than jabs about a gown. Some online commenters speculated Kanye, 35, is in a romantic relationship with the man who designed her controversial dress, Givenchy creative director Riccardo Tisci." AIRHORN! "Kim freaked out. If it turns out Kanye is involved with Riccardo, she will be utterly embarrassed, more so than she's ever been in her life." But she's done so many embarrassing things! "There are some facts Kim can't deny. Kanye has spent her entire pregnancy living close to Riccardo in the French capital — 5,600 miles away from his girlfriend. And Riccardo recently purchased an apartment less than half a mile from Kanye's in NYC's Soho neighborhood." A source says, "Kanye is obsessed with Riccardo. They have a very deep bond." HOW DEEP? "The whispers got even louder when Bryan Boy, one of the most popular and respected fashion bloggers in the world, linked Kanye to Riccardo in January." Bryan Boy tweeted, "Wait so Kanye West is gay? He and Riccardo Tisci were…lovers? And Kim Kardashian is a beard? Why am I the last to know?"
This is the full text of an article that was posted by E! Online today. It was accompanied by a picture of Taylor Swift making her way out of a vehicle. (Interpretive annotations are my own.)
Taylor Swift was spotted in Los Angeles on Wednesday as she made her way out of a vehicle. [Tell me more!]
Casually dressed [in a transparent effort to spite her tormentors], the country cutie stepped out on the same day [coincidence!?!?!?!?] that Tina Fey told a photographer to “go f--k yourself" [So not casual of her!] when asked about Swift's remark that she and Amy Poehler are destined for Hades. [Do you like how relevant these details are to Taylor getting out of that car?]
Cindy Crawford & Rande Gerber: "At a concert at the Malibu Inn in early February, the 47-year-old supermodel was more of a hot mess! While downing drink after drink, she went on a wild dancing and flirting spree with victims including Brody Jenner and Johnny Zambetti, the lead guitarist of the headlining band Terraplane Sun - all while Rande Gerber, her husband of 14 years, looked on unfazed." Cindy supposedly told Zambetti "My marriage is over!" and he says that "she certainly wasn't acting like a married woman. She was acting like a single, 21-year-old party girl." Cindy's rep claims the couple is just fine, and that they were there to see Shwayze. “Cindy was not flirting with any men or drinking. Cindy and Rande are very happily married." There have been rumors of turmoil in the Crawford-Gerber union before, including the gossip that they participate in partner swapping with other celebrity couples like George Clooney and Stacy Keibler. Witnesses say Cindy was wasted and kept talking about "hot band guys" while "chasing Brody all around the bar. After a while, he and his two guy friends started to mess with her, buying her shots and making her take them. She was loving the attention!" Also I mean, c'mon Brody, it's fucking Cindy Crawford. Rande "wasn't paying Cindy any attention at all. He was completely checked out." Friends say "Rande's indifference is precisely the reason Cindy's behaving like a teenager in the first place — it's her way of getting back at him for cheating on her throughout their marriage." Star had an exclusive in 2004 when Rande hooked up with a New Orleans waitress. "Cindy's put up with a lot over the years." SOUNDS LIKE IT. "She always flirts with guys, and it's really sad because I think she does it out of jealousy over Rande flirting with other women."
Angelina Jolie is "Surprise! Boring in bed." Whaaaaaa? This alleged information comes from shade thrown by her ex, Billy Bob Thornton, who has said, "sometimes, with the model, the actress, the 'sexiest person in the world,' it may be literally like fucking the couch." FUCK YO COUCH, BILLY BOB!
Miranda Lambert & Blake Shelton: Splitting up is not on the table for the country supercouple. Lambert says she's questioned whether her marriage to Shelton will last "a million" times. "Divorce is not an option," Lambert said. "I will fight to the death. I am a ninja." That seems like a weird thing to say about your relationship. In order to keep communication open, Lambert and Shelton "are allowed to snoop through each other's phones." Has she never heard of a burner? They never spend longer than two weeks away from each other. "We text a lot. Even if it's just sending a picture of the onion rings we're eating!" OK, that seems less weird. They bond at home, "hang out on the porch, drink beer and cook burgers." Lambert says "I think it's important as a married couple to be friends." This all feels strangely defensive. I'm rooting for Lambert (how could I not be?), so I hope things work out.
Bethenny Frankel & Jason Hoppy's Split: Lunching with a friend in New York, Frankel and a friend "shared a plate of octopus, spaghetti, and a solemn conversation." How does one share a plate of octopus? Four tentacles each? Bethenny "wasn't smiling or laughing. She looked serious." Not to mention, her wedding ring was off. "So much for Frankel's happily ever after." Hoppy is still wearing his wedding band, and "feels used — like she just wanted him for a baby." He plans to fight her over custody of their daughter in court. Despite constant fights, Hoppy "was hoping she was just going through a phase." Friends claim he is wearing his ring as a plot to garner public sympathy. "It's definitely an image thing. He knows he's getting photographed. He's a smart guy." Frankel wants him to move out ASAP but he has been taking his time. "He's just not sure where he wants to go." Hoppy is angry, and "feels like he gave up his career for her. He basically stopped working to support her and wants to be compensated for it."
The couple got together in 2008 after meeting at a New York club. Sources say Frankel's no-holds-barred ambition is to blame for the union's downfall. "She got obsessive about her career." Bethenny's empire of Skinnygirl products had netted her at least a hundred million, but she still wants more. She also apparently "has high expectations that no man could ever live up to." With a new talk show rolling out soon expect to hear plenty more about the split, and possibly for it to get ugly.
I don't know what to say. I don't know what's going on in my life. To even assess that, it doesn't make sense 'cause I have not made any comment. — Justin Bieber
In the modern age we are all freelance private detectives. In a week that saw David Petraeus step down as director of the CIA over e-mail hacking related to an affair with his biographer Paula Broadwell, an explosive scandal involving a younger demographic was also making its way across IP networks worldwide: the breakup of Justin Bieber and his girlfriend, Selena Gomez. The aftermath of the Bieber-Gomez split played out on Twitter over the weekend. Neither party released an official statement, but both gave covert messages through their public platforms.
Before this weekend, Kanye West's Beautiful Dark 20-Minute Fantasy was the Schrödinger's cat of celebrity sex tapes — a rumor, swaddled in integrity-protecting allegedlys and reportedlys, with nothing but a shirtless screen shot and a pinky-swear from Radar.com to help determine whether that purebred shorthaired Bengal was still kickin' it in the dark. We had been living in limbo between two equally viable realities, but thanks to a (strategic?) slip of the legalese from Kanye's reps, we find ourselves with our feet firmly planted in the universe in which Kanye West's sex tape is an actual thing, so Happy Monday, I guess.
Dina & Lindsay Lohan: Dina's weird Dr. Phil segment continues to ripple dark energy throughout the Lohaniverse. "Dina was obviously high on something. It's hard to tell whether it was drugs or alcohol. It's very inappropriate to go on a TV show in that state. She must have done it because she knew Dr. Phil was going to ask hard questions about her parenting." Or because she's just permanently slizzered. The episode, in which Dina "seemed intoxicated as she flailed her way through the interview" with Dr. Phil, "makes it clear that the apple hasn't fallen far from the tree." This is all just sad, and has been for a long time.
Blake Lively & Ryan Reynolds: "With its 300-year-old moss-draped oak trees and stately, columned mansion, the Boone Hall Plantation & Gardens in Mount Pleasant, South Carolina, is a favorite venue for couples tying the knot. But it wasn't just the charming post-and-rail fences and lush lawns that appealed to the couple saying 'I do' there September 9th."
Was it the historic slave quarters then? Boone Hall's website seriously boasts about the "eight original slave cabins" and the road in front of the plantation property is quaintly named "Slave Street." I personally find the whole idea of getting married at a Southern plantation totally tacky and repulsive on a soul level, but hey, I'm not Blake Lively and Ryan Reynolds.