Hollywood Turns Against Gwyneth Paltrow: Paltrow was the pink-dress princess of the ’90s, "earning rave reviews for her performances in Flesh and Bone and Sliding Doors." You mean Emma and Se7en. "She dated heartthrobs like Ben Affleck and Brad Pitt, who called her 'my angel' and even proposed to her. And she won an Oscar for 1998's Shakespeare in Love. She was the ultimate Hollywood golden girl." BUT. "But somewhere along the line, Gwyneth let all that success go to her head." That was at the beginning of the line. Now "she has gained more notoriety for her shamefully out-of-touch comments — often bashing the film industry and American culture or preaching about her over-the-top healthy lifestyle — than for her acting career." But that's what she wanted! Gwyn "has always been pretentious, but over the past few years she has gone from pretentious to just unbearable." Gwyneth was once a removed icy presence, but in 2008 she started "Goop, her lifestyle website and newsletter that regularly touts the merits of $800 designer leather iPad cases, impromptu trips to Morocco to stay in converted palaces, and all-natural organic everything, from food to skincare products." But people need to knowwwww! Goop has been called "too elitist," full of recommendations for frivolous items that are "way too expensive." Gwyneth "grew up privileged, after all" and doesn't understand that she's out of touch. Let them eat gluten-free cake! Goop has "more than a million subscribers" who love following Gwyneth on her journey to make "life interesting, finding the balance between cigarettes and tofu." Gwynnie says she is a study in contradictions. "I use organic products, but I get lasers." She means on her face, but how cool does it sound? SHE GETS LASERS.
It's been a banner week for everyone's favorite nightshade-averse Hollywood superstar, Gwyneth Paltrow. Great things happen when she mixes her vino with her kale juice and goes on Australian radio to talk about how bad the Met Ball sucked (among other topics), and we're itching like a post-cleanse rash to talk about how it affects her questionable likability. But first, we must address the behemoth that has landed in our own backyard at the Grantland studios: the not-so-grand finale of the troubled reality juggernaut American Idol and what the future holds for it after a massive personnel bloodbath. We also discuss The Great Gatsby, wealth and delusion (Hi, Gwynnie!), and our general desire for a non-Vulcan Winona Ryder comeback.
Is Kanye Gay and Secretly Dating Fashion Designer Riccardo Tisci? Kim Kardashian was humiliated after Vogue editors cropped her floral print bowling ball dress out of every shot of Kanye at the Met Ball. "But Kim's humiliation ran much deeper than jabs about a gown. Some online commenters speculated Kanye, 35, is in a romantic relationship with the man who designed her controversial dress, Givenchy creative director Riccardo Tisci." AIRHORN! "Kim freaked out. If it turns out Kanye is involved with Riccardo, she will be utterly embarrassed, more so than she's ever been in her life." But she's done so many embarrassing things! "There are some facts Kim can't deny. Kanye has spent her entire pregnancy living close to Riccardo in the French capital — 5,600 miles away from his girlfriend. And Riccardo recently purchased an apartment less than half a mile from Kanye's in NYC's Soho neighborhood." A source says, "Kanye is obsessed with Riccardo. They have a very deep bond." HOW DEEP? "The whispers got even louder when Bryan Boy, one of the most popular and respected fashion bloggers in the world, linked Kanye to Riccardo in January." Bryan Boy tweeted, "Wait so Kanye West is gay? He and Riccardo Tisci were…lovers? And Kim Kardashian is a beard? Why am I the last to know?"
Rodham, the upcoming biopic about Hillary Clinton's early years, has secured a director: James Ponsoldt, responsible for Sundance hits Smashed (2012) and The Spectacular Now (2013). All I really care about is that we're now one step closer to the hot, young Bill Clinton casting reveal. Whoaaaaaaa, that sax is on fiiiiiiyeerrrrr. In other directing news, the four-hour HBO Frank Sinatra miniseries will be helmed by Alex Gibney (We Steal Secrets: The Story of WikiLeaks).
Continuing a lifelong commitment to not giving a goddamn that you hate her, Gwyneth Paltrow went on Ellen this week and did an impression of Jay-Z. I mean, technically Ellen asked her to, citing insider information about Gwyn and her husband, international recording artist Chris Martin, playing this "musical impressions" game at home. But after the briefest of demurrals Paltrow went for it, making me suspect she was really gonna go ahead and show off her knowledge of "Dirt Off Your Shoulder" the entire time. In her defense, Paltrow — after years of plugging her own hip-hop obsessive bona fides — does know the words to at least one Hov song and one 'Ye song.
The Rock Had a Tough Childhood: "Dwayne 'The Rock' Johnson has a reputation for being the ultimate showman, playing badass tough guys in movies like G.I. Joe Retaliation and The Scorpion King, and winning over WWE wrestling fans with his charisma, sarcasm and million-dollar smile. But behind his confident facade, it turns out the 41-year-old actor has been hiding the truth about his heartbreaking past — one in which he's had to overcome the pain of an alcoholic, unfaithful father and his run-in with the law." I love The Rock so much. "Dewey had a really hard time as a child growing up because he never saw his dad," according to Luan Crable, who had a "25-year-long romantic affair with Dwayne's father, former pro wrestler Rocky Johnson." Oh, my god, his father was a wrestler??? "Rocky was on the road 12 out of every 14 days" and "Dwayne must have worshipped his father, having followed Rocky into pro wrestling after a severe back injury ended his early football career." Man, this is Shakespearean.
20. Chris Brown: For "beating his girlfriend Rihanna." (Duh.) "Even though Rihanna has taken him back, many music industry insiders don't trust him, perhaps because he claims to be the real victim."
19. Jesse James: "People began to turn on the reality star with reports of his cheating on Sandra Bullock, but his tone-deaf statements made matters worse."
18. Taylor Swift: "The talented singer-songwriter has not only dated what seems like every guy in Hollywood, but she's made millions bashing them in her songs!" Whatever, they're great songs and those dudes were fuckos! "She also can't seem to take a joke. After Tina Fey made a lighthearted quip about her boy-crazy rep, Taylor responded by saying 'There's a special place in hell for women who don't help other women.'" OMG, she was like just quoting Katie Couric! Boo, you whore.
Who Is Khloe Kardashian's Baby Daddy? "Photos of the reality TV star hopping into the tattooed arms of rapper The Game in L.A.'s Runyon Canyon ignited a firestorm of talk that she was cheating on her husband Lamar Odom — a controversy that shows no signs of abating." OK! then uses every photo they can find of Khloe with her hand on or near her stomach (there are a lot, from all different times) to claim she is pregnant. While pregnancy was her dream, "that doesn't mean it's all roses and lollipops." (Is that a phrase?) The Game says he and Khloe were just promoting his 60 Days of Fitness program. According to him, "We have never and will never be sleeping together. Lamar is my homie and her husband and I wish people wouldn't spread such false rumors." Do you though, Game? Because this is the most publicity you've had in years.
As our Oscar Travesty Bracket draws to a close (vote now in our finals round!), the Grantland staff takes a moment to honor the travesties that didn't make the final cut. These may not be the most big-name snubs or the most high-profile humiliations, but they're the ones closest to our hearts. So before we crown the Travesty of Travesties tomorrow, give us a moment here to grieve.
Sean the Bachelor Is a Virgin: Despite one date where he "cuddled and made snow angels" and another involving "a catamaran ride to a private island," this season's The Bachelor contestant, Sean Lowe, is abstinent. As in "chaste." As in, he still has his V-card? "Sean doesn't want to have sex until he's married." Turns out he's a born-again virgin. "Though Lowe did have sex in college, he embraced religion in his twenties and no longer believes in premarital relations." Oh. Producers claim they didn't exactly know, but, yeah, right. "By the time Lowe whittled down the women to his final three, these potential wives were eager to pass first base." Normally, the fantasy suite dates are known for being sex marathons, "but instead of seducing them, Lowe revealed his idea of a fantasy: waiting until marriage." Oh. "The women didn't see it coming. They were disappointed." Hopefully, producers provided them with vibrators or something. "He had some pretty intense makeout sessions." A virgin who only ever wants to make out? Sounds like Taylor Swift has finally found her future husband.
We are willing to stipulate that the first Iron Man is among the best comic book movies of all time. Was it better than even The Avengers? Is it fanboy blasphemy to dare introduce such an idea, especially considering the Marvel All-Star Spandex and Airbrushed Body-Armor Superhero Gangbang is the third-highest-grossing film in the history of mankind? Let's table that discussion for the moment, but we will point out the fact that Iron Man didn't squander an entire set piece on propeller repair. Sorry. Things get awkward when you try to speak truth to power. To his credit, Captain America was really good at pulling that one lever labeled "FIX FLYING HEADQUARTERS."
We are also willing to stipulate, perhaps less controversially, that Iron Man 2 was a garbage fire so white-hot we've mentally recast Taylor Kitsch in it to keep recent-vintage Robert Downey Jr. pristine in our minds. Not even Mickey Rourke's electric whip burlesque rodeo could save it, no matter how many race cars he sliced in half.
Taylor Swift's Teen-Boy Love Triangle: "Taylor's insinuating herself into the Kennedy clan has taken a twisted turn." After taking on Jackie O's "prim-'n'-proper New England-chic, pearls-with-pleated-skirts" style and settling in at the Hyannis Port Kennedy Compound, "she's adding another Kennedy notch to her belt. Taylor was caught making out with Patrick Schwarzenegger — Conor's cousin — at a family event!" Swift would NEVER. "Taylor was making out with Patrick all night. The previous day she was all over Conor — so she hooked up with two cousins on consecutive nights!" Les Cousins Dangereux! "That sounds like risky business for the singer, who's been known to write songs about the two-timing men who've hurt her in the past." Turnabout is fair play? "Conor and Patrick have always been competitive" and Taylor loves feeling desired. But the older members of the clan do not want theatrics. "As far as the Kennedys are concerned, Taylor is trash. Conor says he's in love with her, but all she's done is cause drama." I guess another notch on her belt is all they'll ever be.
US Justin Timberlake's Bachelor Party: "Bros, brews and bow ties!" Timberlake celebrated "his final days of singledom" with all his closest dudes. "Clad in ties and fedoras, his crew of 25 pals (and his dad!) hit Las Vegas, where they tossed back drinks poolside." Justin probably brought his dad so that we'd all know this was a clean-cut bachelor party where no hookers would end up buried in the desert by the end. "It was like Boardwalk Empire." So it was kind of boring but looked really nice and probably cost a ton of money? "It was mellow. Intentionally so." They jetted from Vegas to Mexico where they played beach volleyball in T-shirts that said "CASTRATION CELEBRATION!" Sigh … "He didn't want to get in any trouble. Jessica's brother was with them!" Could this be a decoy bachelor party meant to distract from the real bachelor party that will take place soon in a sex dungeon in Amsterdam?
Mitt Romney on Snooki: "I'm kind of a Snooki fan. Look how tiny she's gotten. She's lost weight. She's energetic. Just her spark-plug personality is kind of fun." She's voting for Obama.