Adam Sandler's Happy Madison assembly line suffered a few miscues earlier in the '10s (Jack and Jill gets the brunt of the flak here, but let's not forget That's My Boy also managed to set Western civilization back an eon or two). Commercially, at least, Sandler righted the ship with this year's Grown Ups 2, which cracked a whopping $200 million internationally. Now, with terra firma beneath his feet, the Sandman's gonna take one of his periodic career stretches and attempt a Punch-Drunk Love. Or a Funny People. Or a Spanglish. Or a Reign Over Me. You know, one of the serious ones.
Is Justin Timberlake Cheating on His Wife? The rumors started "when Justin Timberlake left a party at Philadephia's Sigma Sound Studios with a beautiful blonde close behind." Has his commitment to monogamy already gone bye bye bye? Nah, it's his cousin. "Should I just go ahead and change my name to mystery blonde?" tweeted the blonde, Caitlynn Timberlake. "The party gossip, however, has affected Justin's wife. It's no lie that Jessica is getting sick of all these rumors about her new husband. It's even more annoying because the truth is they're very much in love and are talking about starting a family next year. So for him to be linked to a woman who happens to be in the same picture is starting to wear a bit thin." Well, don't hold hands with any mystery blondes in front of photographers, Justinnnnn.
Justin Bieber Cheated on Selena Gomez a Lot: "HIGH ON DRUGS, TEEN STAR JUSTIN BIEBER CHEATED ON SELENA GOMEZ WITH A SEXY STRANGER." Just before the holidays, Bieb had a "drug-fueled hookup with another girl." The drug was mostly weed, and the girl was voluptuous 22-year-old L.A. nursing student Mimi Jenson. They were introduced by Lil' Twist, and went to a weed store in Hollywood, a McDonald's, and then back to the hotel. There they "did a lot more than eat." I bet they got a hundred-piece McNuggets. They also "smoked pot and used a baby bottle to measure out the ingredients for sizzurp, the street cocktail made famous by Three 6 Mafia and Ke$ha." Mull that sentence, please.
Rise of the Planet of the Apes is an unquestionable hit. Since Friday, multiplexes have been packed with self-loathing, popcorn-stuffed humans all too happy to shell out $54 million of their rapidly disappearing dollars to cheer for their own extinction. And now, for Round 2 of its specious, antispecies crusade, Hollywood has adopted a more subtle strategy. It’s August, the month in which the most babies are born here in the USA. (It’s also the month in which the most sharks are irrationally feared, but that’s not important right now.) And so to head off any warm, fuzzy, fertile feelings we humans might be experiencing, the eu-geniuses in Tinseltown have recently unveiled three trailers, all of which should make birth-control sales — not to mention the popularity of Lord Varys — soar.