I've never been in one of these meetings, but one has to assume this is how it goes down:
Idea Haver: OK, so here's my idea. This new song we have on our hands, it's great, but I want to make sure it gets big. You know, VIRAL. Like the Gangnam Styles. So here's what we're going to do:
PUT. HASHTAGS. EVERYWHERE.
And I mean everywhere. Tweets, commercials, T-shirts, music videos, song titles, album names, anything we can. If we do it, and completely overwhelm the public with this plan, we can't fail. Like the Gangnam Styles. OK, LET'S DO IT.
Rodham, the upcoming biopic about Hillary Clinton's early years, has secured a director: James Ponsoldt, responsible for Sundance hits Smashed (2012) and The Spectacular Now (2013). All I really care about is that we're now one step closer to the hot, young Bill Clinton casting reveal. Whoaaaaaaa, that sax is on fiiiiiiyeerrrrr. In other directing news, the four-hour HBO Frank Sinatra miniseries will be helmed by Alex Gibney (We Steal Secrets: The Story of WikiLeaks).
Bad news, fellow Beliebers: Justin Bieber has been busted in Sweden. With drugs. Well, with weed. Also, a stun gun.
The news came first via Stockholm police, who said Bieber's tour bus was searched because cops smelled what they believed was marijuana smoke emanating. OK, but check this out: The cops smelled the smoke while the bus was parked outside of Bieber's hotel. They didn't move in, though, until Bieber's show that night, sending in a special narcotics unit while the bus was empty. Were Stockholm PD terrified of what bloodbath might occur if they entered the bus while Bieber was onboard? Or did they really just not want to hear anyone say the word "swaggy" out loud? Anyway, they found what was originally reported to be a "small amount of drugs" that was being "sent to a laboratory for an analysis." So are Stockholm's cops officially the nerdiest cops in the world? They don't know any recreational-drug aficionados they can call up and be like "Bro, bro, what the hell is this?"
The Rock Had a Tough Childhood: "Dwayne 'The Rock' Johnson has a reputation for being the ultimate showman, playing badass tough guys in movies like G.I. Joe Retaliation and The Scorpion King, and winning over WWE wrestling fans with his charisma, sarcasm and million-dollar smile. But behind his confident facade, it turns out the 41-year-old actor has been hiding the truth about his heartbreaking past — one in which he's had to overcome the pain of an alcoholic, unfaithful father and his run-in with the law." I love The Rock so much. "Dewey had a really hard time as a child growing up because he never saw his dad," according to Luan Crable, who had a "25-year-long romantic affair with Dwayne's father, former pro wrestler Rocky Johnson." Oh, my god, his father was a wrestler??? "Rocky was on the road 12 out of every 14 days" and "Dwayne must have worshipped his father, having followed Rocky into pro wrestling after a severe back injury ended his early football career." Man, this is Shakespearean.
Despite the fact that I know roughly as much about golf as I know about the dietary staples of the ancient Carthaginians, I was kind of getting into the Masters this weekend. There's just something about the potential redemption of a rampant sex addict that'll never not be fascinating, you know? So I'm watching while on Twitter, hoping the hive mind will illuminate the drama. But instead of relevant activity about sand wedges or whatever, all I'm seeing is Justin Bieber. And that's because this weekend our man Bieber visited the Anne Frank House and left a peculiar message in the guest book: "Truly inspiring to be able to come here. Anne was a great girl. Hopefully she would have been a belieber." Ahh, how foolish of me. Did I really think I could escape Justin, even for a few days, even for a few hours, even for a few minutes? Of course not. Of course not.
Roger Ebert, Pulitzer Prize winner and national treasure, is taking a "leave of presence" by cutting back on his workload as he faces cancer treatments again. He will continue to write selected reviews as well as essays addressing his illness. "It really stinks that the cancer has returned," he writes, "and that I have spent too many days in the hospital. So on bad days I may write about the vulnerability that accompanies illness. On good days, I may wax ecstatic about a movie so good it transports me beyond illness." This is heartbreaking news. Get well soon, you old fart. Love, your fanboys.
At some point over the last few months, between paparazzi meltdowns and tragic car crashes and all manner of interesting pant choices, keeping up with the dalliances and indiscretions of young Justin Bieber has turned into a daunting task. This last weekend, though, proved to be a particularly action-packed TMZ-fodder weekend for the formerly cherub-faced Canadian. Let's just cut right to the chase: By Sunday night, Justin lost a monkey to German airport authorities.
Bronson Pinchot (a.k.a. Balki from Perfect Strangers) took over a Fox weathercast after making professional weather person Jeff Jumper self-conscious about his "grown-up haircut" and then jumping into frame to wreak havoc on a live feed of Harrisburg ("There's a woman in this building right now, she's on a little squeaky bed and she's got her underwear around her neck"). Having alienated some of his former co-stars, Pinchot has now focused his career on restoring houses, because a house feels no pain, and the weather never cries.
Who Is Khloe Kardashian's Baby Daddy? "Photos of the reality TV star hopping into the tattooed arms of rapper The Game in L.A.'s Runyon Canyon ignited a firestorm of talk that she was cheating on her husband Lamar Odom — a controversy that shows no signs of abating." OK! then uses every photo they can find of Khloe with her hand on or near her stomach (there are a lot, from all different times) to claim she is pregnant. While pregnancy was her dream, "that doesn't mean it's all roses and lollipops." (Is that a phrase?) The Game says he and Khloe were just promoting his 60 Days of Fitness program. According to him, "We have never and will never be sleeping together. Lamar is my homie and her husband and I wish people wouldn't spread such false rumors." Do you though, Game? Because this is the most publicity you've had in years.
"It's evident that nobody knows who the real Riff Raff is right now. Nobody knows. I don't even know whadifadadada later on tonight. I probably be eating chicken nuggets or something." —Riff Raff on Spring Breakers, kind of. Perhaps he could eat them with Dangeruss's fork, his fork his fork his fork.
Jennifer Lawrence & Prince Harry: "When you're Hollywood's It Girl, strange men become infatuated with you, inhaling your every utterance, typing your name into endless Google image searches. They might be accountants, laborers, lawyers, cashiers — or, in the case of Jennifer Lawrence, the Prince of Wales. That's right, Britain's Prince Harry has a royal crush on the Oscar-winning star of Silver Linings Playbook. After a four-month army hitch in Afghanistan, the rakish redhead, 28, is set to visit the U.S. in May and despite his on/off romance with Brit model Cressida Bonas, scoring a date with J-Law, 22, is at the top of his agenda." The name Cressida Bonas will never stop making me laugh. "Harry has given his flunkies a list of Hollywood hotties he wants to attend" a party he plans to throw. "Harry has a thing for all of them, but Jennifer's his number-one girl right now." Is it because she likes to party on hotel balconies with a blunt? Maybe. "Harry thinks Jennifer is a girl after his own heart — very chill and out for a good time." Everyone thinks that about Lawrence, because duh, that's her appeal. "Could Jennifer pull a Grace Kelly and live out a princess fantasy?" Something tells me she doesn't have princess fantasies, but OK. Harry, who is attracted to "buxom blondes" also has a thing for Kate Upton but would possibly switch to brunettes for Vanessa Hudgens.