Ashton Kutcher and Mila Kunis: "Friends with benefits?" Kelso and Jackie "took a mini-vacation together" to Carpinteria. They stopped at a roadside stand where "Mila bought sunflowers and blueberries," then had sushi for lunch. "They hadn't seen each other for years" but got back in touch during a That 70's Show reunion segment for Fox's 25th anniversary special. "He's so not her type." And as for Ashton's famous wandering eye? "Mila wouldn't stand for that kind of stuff. She's a strong, smart girl."
Hey, it's that song! I know this song! Grade: C Best YouTube Comment: "I don't always listen to soft Music but when I do it I listen to this" —metal103
Kanye & Kim K: "They were acting like a couple of kids" as they hung out on the floor piano in FAO Schwartz famous from Big. "It had been West's idea to have the store clear out customers so they could visit a few in-store boutiques — like the Angry Birds shop — undisturbed. As Kim playfully tried on costumes for West's amusement, more and more fans realized the superstars were in their midst, and began chanting her name. West, as famous for his ego as his talent — 'really dug it.' For him it's great to hang with someone who's an equal." Equally down with furs and fame-whoring, yes. "The new romance is the result of months of hot pursuit by West, sparing no expense to win the woman who calls herself 'the ultimate doll.' Conveniently, the knight in mink-lined armor arrived just as the damsel, 31, has been feeling like the dating equivalent of 'a leper,' with guys too freaked out to approach her." Kanye is smitten. "He thinks she's his Beyoncé!" They went to see The Hunger Games. "Not wanting the evening to end — or perhaps trying to woo her into a sleepover — West played to Kim's famous sweet tooth," buying her ice cream, which apparently worked; "she spent the night at his place" and emerged with a visible hickey. They lunched the next day, "where West downplayed his self-centered image over truffle pizza. He's actually a really good listener." They went clothes shopping and each paid. "Kim can pay her own way and she's not riding his coattails. He loves that she's a powerful business lady." HE FUCKING LOVES IT. "She was with cowardly guys like Reggie Bush, who was obsessed with what his teammates thought, and Kris, who didn't want her to act too strong. But Kanye loves her Kimness. She's great the way she is and if people hate on them, he'll only like her more."
In this week’s New Yorker, John Seabrook embeds himself in the world of pop-music mercenaries, specifically the Norwegian production duo Stargate (“Irreplaceable,” “Black and Yellow”) and the singer-songwriter Ester Dean (a whole bunch of Rihanna singles). Technically, what he uncovers is not anything we didn’t already know. Namely: a large chunk of chart toppers are churned out by the same small cabal of behind-the-scenes hit makers; these chart toppers are ground out in long, blunt sessions, and then doled out to the highest bidder; and the obsession with smash hits is so great that nothing less than the catchiestdamn song of all time is acceptable. As Roc Nation president Jay Brown explains, “It’s not enough to have one hook anymore. You’ve got to have a hook in the intro, a hook in the pre-chorus, a hook in the chorus, and a hook in the bridge … people on average give a song seven seconds on the radio before they change the channel, and you got to hook them.” What makes Seabrook’s article so great, then, is that he actually shows us the meat-and-potatoes of the songs’ production, and it's fascinatingly mundane. At one point, the Stargate guys throws on one of the many prerecorded beats they’ve come into the studio with, and Dean heads into the vocal booth to start mumbling gibberish:
Here is Katy Perry karaoke-rapping Jay-Z and Kanye West’s “N****s in Paris,” because, I don’t know, a search engine became sentient and demanded it, maybe? Anyway: It is, like this needs to be said, shit of the cray variety. The first time you watch it, it’s actually suspenseful — what is Katy Perry, a German/Portuguese/Irish person, going to say when she gets to the two points in the song where the word “n****” appears in the lyrics? Will she say “n****”? Will she say nothing? Did she think she’d get away with this because she did it in England? Or because five years ago she put out a song called “Ur So Gay” and barely anybody got mad? Why is she doing this? What’s Gucci, my killa? What’s the message, my sender? What’s that sweater-dress, Aunt Linda?
We have been over this: It’s weird when songs have that word in them, especially songs that are really fun to rap along to. When I interviewed Jay-Z last year, I asked him if he felt creeped out by how many white people seemed to like “N***** in Paris,” and if he’d ever had white people use the word to his face in the course of talking to him about the song, and if he thought maybe the reason white people liked it so much was that they liked having an excuse to say “n****.” This was one of several questions he answered by chuckling and suddenly seeming super-interested in the flavor profile of what he was eating — which in this case was fine, because I was just trying to orchestrate an amusing-post-racial-yuks moment I could use in a story and he could tell and wasn’t going to make it that easy for me. But then after a second he told me white people should just call it “Paris.” Then he ate some fish. (Original reporting! There is no substitute.)
She’s voiced a Smurf, she’s cameoed on How I Met Your Mother, she’s hosted SNL, and now Katy Perry has played a batty Raising Hope prison guard with a mustache! Last night Perry dropped in on the Fox family drama and acquitted herself nicely in limited screen time. Apparently Shannon Woodward, who plays Sabrina on Hope, is Perry’s best friend (Rihanna’s like WTF, Katy), so presumably the pop star wanted to hop on in order to give her pal’s show a boost. (The storyline is that Sabrina has belatedly joined up with the Occupy protests, and finds her way to the slammer in the process.) HitFix wonders if it matters: “Stunt-casting rarely moves the ratings needle in this day and age, and I don't know that Perry fans are going to want to tune in to see her so de-glammed, but at least it gives FOX something to promote.”
Rihanna and Chris: "Of the 100 people gathered gathered to ring in Rihanna's 24th birthday at a Beverly Hills mansion the day before Valentine's Day, only one stood out: her abusive ex-boyfriend, Chris Brown." A witness says, "Rihanna and Chris were very much together. He was touching her butt, rubbing her arm, and they kept dancing with each other. They seemed like a couple to everyone." But while they have "been covertly hooking up for almost a year" they have finally "become more open about their mutual affection." A Riri pal says, "Chris was a strong first love for her that she wants to hold on to. They had a violent, stormy relationship. Her friends obviously think this reunion is crazy — but nobody can tell Rihanna what to do." And since it was her birthday, nobody said an unkind word about Brown's presence, who "kept his gaze on Rihanna until past 4 am," saying "Isn't Rihanna beautiful?" to fellow party guest LaLa Vasquez Anthony. Chris "will always love Rihanna" and would drop girlfriend Karrueche Tran (whose face he recently had tatted on his arm) if Rihanna asked — but Rihanna prefers the control and power she currently has over him, even if Chris still has the upper hand. "She likes the loose nature of it and she doesn't want a boyfriend. This is dangerous, and she likes playing with fire."
Rihanna had a Caribbean-themed 24th-birthday party in Beverly Hills on Monday night at Hearst Mansion, which is not Hearst Castle, but how rad would it be if Rihanna rented out Hearst Castle and made Citizen Riri? Guests at the party included Chris Martin (sans Gwyneth), Bruno Mars, and Rihanna's showbiz best friend Katy Perry. They ate Caribbean food and cupcakes while a DJ and drummer entertained. The best part is the cake she was given at 2 a.m., which featured a frosting topless representation of Rihanna on her stomach straddling a giant blunt. How amazing is it to be given an erotic cake with yourself on it? It's giving me flashbacks to the terrifying Tom Petty video for "Don't Come Around Here No More." Cigars were handed out and champagne popped around mermaid ice sculptures with vodka luges, as a brass band played reggae tunes. It all sounds insanely lavish, like a pop-music remake of The Great Gatsby that I would watch.
Chris Brown: "Confidently approached an attractive brunette" at a Grammy after-party and said, "Can I get your number? I promise I won't beat you!" according to the attractive brunette in question. "He and his friends laughed, then one yelled 'that's his new line!'" Ha ha ha ha DIE, CHRIS BROWN.
Kim Kardashian and Reggie Bush: Just before Valentine's Day, "the reality star reconnected with a tall, handsome suitor: ex-boyfriend Reggie Bush."
A few years ago, I sat in a living room, surrounded by some of my closest friends, and made a now-infamous statement among my inner circle. I stated that Jessica Alba was "attainable" and meant it with every fiber of my being. It goes without saying that I was immediately laughed out of the conversation, the living room, the apartment, the building, and midtown Manhattan, but I have stood by my belief since that evening in the fall of 2009.
Since then, I've found that it's a lonely world out there for laypeople who have strong opinions on the attainability of celebrities. Luckily for me, and potentially only me, I stumbled on Chelsea Fagan, who is my delusional female doppelganger and shares in my polarizing beliefs.
In the first installment of our "Celebrity Attainability Exercise in Futility," we tackle the Grammys and ten of last night's nominees and winners.
Seal And Heidi: Despite a romantic proposal ("in an igloo he constructed on a glacier") and their "elaborate yearly vow renewals," behind closed doors Seal could get a little crazy. Seal's "mood swings" and "jealousy about Klum's skyrocketing career" doomed the couple. They got tired of being "a robot family" in public and after seven years "couldn't fake it anymore." They had a Gothic romance, befitting the "Kiss From A Rose" singer, full of "crazy fights" and "tempestuous love." Seal told a paper they "deal with the same issues as everyone else, only ours are more extreme. There are greater highs and greater lows." Tellingly he also slipped that "success doesn't solve anything." Klum is an optimistic ball of energy, while Seal is "a very difficult person" who endured "a sad life" and grew into a "volatile and moody" man. His uncontrollable temper led him to "talk down to Heidi in public" (but she is so tall!) and speak her "like she was the help. It was so degrading." He got mad at her for "holding court" during a Victoria's Secret show, and "as demands on her time increased, he seemed to want to make all the choices for her." A confidant of Klum's says "I would say controlling is a fair assessment." He reacted by focusing on his own career, touring nonstop and leaving his family for months at a time, including on holidays. Klum meanwhile was a picture of German efficiency, juggling her two TV shows and being "a hands-on mom." Seal hated Heidi eclipsing him in fame and "it made Seal crazy when photographers asked him to get out of the way so they could shoot Heidi alone." A family friend says "it's difficult for a man if his wife is more successful than him." I mean, yeah, if he sucks.
Katy & Russell at the Golden Globes: Katy "really did want to go out, but she was worried about running into Russell." He is working on a third book, which she fears will expose intimate details of their marriage. "Katy is insulted and feels betrayed that Russell has treated her so poorly by lying about how he wanted to handle the split and not giving her a warning that he was filing for divorce." Sure. "She will never forgive him. Ever." Brand spent this week hanging at Soho House and crashing a wedding at the Hotel Bel-Air. "He's being so atrocious that she feels like she never really knew him." A gentleman would go the hell back to England.
Is it weird that The-Dream uses the spelling of the word “rock” so closely associated with his former Def Jam boss Jay-Z? Yes, sort of. In response, Jay-Z should make a song about how good he is at doing sex.
"MARRIED TO A CRAZY MAN" The Saga Of Russell Brand And Katy Perry: "Katy Perry awoke alone in her Kauai, Hawaii, rental home December 30, ready to organize a party for New Year's Eve." A trial separation exploded in flames when Perry realized "her husband of 14 months had reneged on the deal, blindsiding her by filing for divorce." Katy "struggled to make sense of it all" while in the U.K. Brand "even released a statement to the press." This all compounded Katy's "private hell" wherein she had been "trying to salvage a doomed union." Brand's friends say he "has an insatiable desire for pushing limits." But "he soon learned that, for all her whipped cream-shooting bras and double entendres" Katy is actually "a good Christian girl" and "Russell didn't like the real Katy the more he got to know her." Now Perry, who really thought "marriage is forever" is devastated, since she "feels she failed." Katy initially "used her 'wild child' persona to keep him sexually infatuated" but just "a year in" and "Brand was already bored." At the start of their courtship "Katy was kinky" and Brand "was very attracted to her. When things got bad, if they had a roll in the hay, they were always better after." But all that kinky sex was "never enough" and "Russell doesn't like being alone." Katy's career interfered. Brand "always needs someone there, and that's not Katy -- she's busier than he is." Without constant female companionship to keep him in line, "Russell goes to a dark place." This dark place is on the internet, where Brand "really gets off on one particular porno with a guy in a wheelchair. He's attracted to things he can't imagine happening to him." For the couple, "all their sexual pyrotechnics couldn't mask a larger problem": Russell's sober lifestyle opposed Katy's party girl antics. But was the real problem the imbalance of fame and Brand's resentment of his wife being a bigger star? "She had so much going on this year, and there were so many times when he wasn't there." Perhaps it's because "being called 'Katy Perry's husband' bothers him." After Katy's SNL hosting gig (which he skipped) "he told her that she wasn't that funny. That really hurt." Now Brand will "no longer have to pretend to be her biggest fan." He is already "ringless" and "on the prowl" in the UK while Katy "continues to nurse her broken heart." Who gets custody of the cats???
America’s New Year’s Eve holiday weekend was preemptively ruined this year when, on Friday, Russell Brand announced he was filing for divorce from Katy Perry. In the official statement, Brand explained himself only by saying “Sadly, Katy and I are ending our marriage. I'll always adore her and I know we'll remain friends." That, of course, barely scratched the surface when it came to soothing the deep oceans of hurt and confusion felt by the millions emotionally invested in the peculiar coupling of pop star and British person. But now, with the traditional Four Days of Celebrity Marriage Mourning behind us, we can begin to see our way forward out of the darkness. It might sound blasphemous, but could the divorce actually be good for Katy's and Russell’s career? Let’s consider the possibilities.
