On Saturday, The Wrap reported that original Fast & Furious director Rob Cohen had been selected to helm a remake of 1989 Patrick Swayze bounce-opera Road House. If you're unfamiliar with the movie, please stand up from the computer right now, head to the smoldering rubble-pile where your local Blockbuster Video used to be, and sort through the wreckage with a sturdy broom handle until you find a playable DVD in the Pre-Owned Classics sinkhole; you may also use Netflix if they've already salted the earth to prevent a haunting by khaki-clad ghosts. But if you're a true Roadhead, you undoubtedly understand our immediate and visceral reaction to the news: the ice-cold perspiration, the violent heaving of an Adam's apple craving the just annihilation of a throat-rip rather than see a flawless cultural object spoiled by greed and a lack of imagination. This is not a dig at Cohen, even though his last feature was Tyler Perry's Check Me Out, I'm a Detective Now!; no director, other than Tommy Wiseau shooting entirely on Vine and given no sustenance other than a garbage bag full of horse tranquilizers, would be an acceptable choice here. The only way to win this game is not to play at all. You don't take the Hope Diamond and bedazzle it with Croc charms because you think a new generation needs its own spin on perfection; that was a pretty good diamond to begin with. We just compared Road House to the Hope Diamond. Turn off the dark.