Full disclosure: I still haven't watched last week's episode, which aired while I was on vacation, so I have no idea what it was about. Smart money's on "ridiculous rich people doing rich-people things," which is also what we're presented with as this week's episode opens. Kim and Kourtney climb aboard personal watercraft for some of the least-needed R&R in history, except someone's tied some complicated-ass knots in the ropes securing the personal watercraft to the boat they're moored to. Scott remarks on this repeatedly. Like, seriously, who tied up these personal watercraft with these goofy knots? You crazy for this one, knot-tiers! It's not the greatest cold open. Eventually the knots are undone, and off Kim and Kourtney go, across the water and out of sight, and for a moment we all get to imagine what it would be like if they never came back, but they do. They always do.
Who Is Khloe Kardashian's Baby Daddy? "Photos of the reality TV star hopping into the tattooed arms of rapper The Game in L.A.'s Runyon Canyon ignited a firestorm of talk that she was cheating on her husband Lamar Odom — a controversy that shows no signs of abating." OK! then uses every photo they can find of Khloe with her hand on or near her stomach (there are a lot, from all different times) to claim she is pregnant. While pregnancy was her dream, "that doesn't mean it's all roses and lollipops." (Is that a phrase?) The Game says he and Khloe were just promoting his 60 Days of Fitness program. According to him, "We have never and will never be sleeping together. Lamar is my homie and her husband and I wish people wouldn't spread such false rumors." Do you though, Game? Because this is the most publicity you've had in years.
Angelina Jolie is "Surprise! Boring in bed." Whaaaaaa? This alleged information comes from shade thrown by her ex, Billy Bob Thornton, who has said, "sometimes, with the model, the actress, the 'sexiest person in the world,' it may be literally like fucking the couch." FUCK YO COUCH, BILLY BOB!
Bethenny Frankel & Jason Hoppy's Split: Lunching with a friend in New York, Frankel and a friend "shared a plate of octopus, spaghetti, and a solemn conversation." How does one share a plate of octopus? Four tentacles each? Bethenny "wasn't smiling or laughing. She looked serious." Not to mention, her wedding ring was off. "So much for Frankel's happily ever after." Hoppy is still wearing his wedding band, and "feels used — like she just wanted him for a baby." He plans to fight her over custody of their daughter in court. Despite constant fights, Hoppy "was hoping she was just going through a phase." Friends claim he is wearing his ring as a plot to garner public sympathy. "It's definitely an image thing. He knows he's getting photographed. He's a smart guy." Frankel wants him to move out ASAP but he has been taking his time. "He's just not sure where he wants to go." Hoppy is angry, and "feels like he gave up his career for her. He basically stopped working to support her and wants to be compensated for it."
The couple got together in 2008 after meeting at a New York club. Sources say Frankel's no-holds-barred ambition is to blame for the union's downfall. "She got obsessive about her career." Bethenny's empire of Skinnygirl products had netted her at least a hundred million, but she still wants more. She also apparently "has high expectations that no man could ever live up to." With a new talk show rolling out soon expect to hear plenty more about the split, and possibly for it to get ugly.
Can we talk about the cat? We have to talk about the cat. There is no way around the cat. Mercy Kardashian — a white teacup Persian gifted to Kim Kardashian in September by boyfriend Kanye West, named in tribute to a not-very-kittenish Kanye song about Lamborghinis, and subsequently gifted to Khloé Kardashian Odom's assistant when Kim turned out to be allergic — died earlier this month from a cancer-like stomach virus. This was sad but not strange. It's a hard world. Sometimes God kills a kitten. Honestly, there is evidence that God can be kind of a feckless thug when it comes to celebrity pets. Mercy made out better than Jessica Simpson's maltipoo Daisy (coyote attack), Martha Stewart's chow puppy Genghis Khan (propane explosion), or Rocker, Courtney Love's Pomeranian (ingestion of a poor-quality Mexican breast implant — no, seriously, Google it).
Demi Moore Out Of Control in Miami: "Dancing wildly and downing Red Bull after Red Bull at 1:30 A.M., Demi Moore — wearing a thigh-baring romper and black glasses — made quite a spectacle of herself in Miami Beach." There for Art Basel, the "50-year-old mom of three grinded against fellow reveler Stacy Keibler, 33, as Lenny Kravitz, 48, looked on." How come nobody's calling nearly 50-year-old father Kravitz "out of control" for still going out and partying? Oh right, he's not a woman. Then again, Demi did just get out of rehab, so the age-shaming can be also be played off as genuine concern for her health. "Demi partying was really something else. Lenny was rolling his eyes." Moore's boy-toy Vito Schnabel, 26, "was keeping a safe distance from the self-proclaimed puma." He tried to ditch her, but "she won't let it go. He told her to leave him alone, but she went to Miami anyway." I would totally watch this if it were a movie, but the reality is pretty hard to take. "Demi is insecure about getting older." OH YOU THINK? "That's why she hangs out with so many young people." A friend defends her by saying, "She was having fun." She looks like she was having fun twerking like an awkward white lady. Before Schnabel, she hooked up with Hard Rock Hotel heir Harry Morton, who dated Lindsay Lohan. Moore's daughters were in Miami to party, but they have exiled their mom. "They're not talking. She and Scout haven't spoken in a long time." This is very sad. Actresses get punished for getting older but mocked for acting young. Demi Moore obviously has a lot of problems, but shaming her isn't gonna help.
Taylor Swift & Conor Kennedy Split: "Taylor Swift was in the mood to talk about — what else? — heartache." During a listening party for Red she explained one song saying, "Long-distance dating is hard, and is something I face constantly." And will probably deal with for the rest of her life, unless she quits touring. Swift and her 18-year-old boyfriend, Conor Kennedy, recently broke up. "The breakup was mutual because of the distance, schedules, and being at different places in their lives." Why do I not believe that any Taylor Swift breakup is ever really "mutual"? Although self-professed "hopeless romantic" Taylor tried to make it work with Conor, soon "reality set in." She is promoting her new album nonstop for the next year, and Kennedy is in high school. "There aren't many guys game for a serious relationship with a girl who's out of town the majority of the year." Swift should date a pro athlete next! Just playing. She should date a civilian who could go on tour with her. Are there any sweet guitar techs out there that don't mind having an album potentially written about them?
John Mayer & Katy Perry: At a party in the Hollywood Hills a "bikini-clad Katy Perry" chilled out, "grabbed a beer and clung tightly to John Mayer in the swimming pool. They hugged each other and splashed around. They were all over each other, making out! Neither of them is exactly shy." The pair are not only hooking up, they are "officially dating," hence the lack of trying to hide it, or maybe they just realized they wouldn't be able to avoid being outed by paparazzi right quick. Whatever. Katy girl, get your roots-rock divorce rebound hump on. Just do us a big favor and tell John Mayer to stop wearing that Rolling Thunder Revue hat everywhere. We get the whole hipster Americana thing already. While Mayer has a reputation as a manipulatively romantic womanizer incapable of keeping his mouth shut or his pants on, the 34-year-old guitarist claims he has changed his evil ways and is ready to grow up. He recently told Rolling Stone, "I haven't had a girlfriend in a long time. Now I feel like I'm extremely open to love." I'm sure Taylor Swift is thrilled to hear that.
Everyone is talking about Lamar Odom. Mark Cuban, the man who just released him from the Dallas Mavericks, said he was “negative energy." Charles Barkley, unfiltered sayer of things on his mind, thinks that Odom receiving the money that he is contractually owed is “a joke." And MediaTakeOut, the most tremendous/least reputable website on the planet, is saying that he got into a fistfight in the locker room with Dirk Nowitzki. Everyone is talking about Lamar Odom because he is a very curious case. How does one go from NBA Sixth Man of the Year with the Lakers and “the most popular player in the locker room” to being traded and having his commitment questioned by his new team owner in the locker room? There is a lot of speculation about why he hasn’t performed well; some say the tragic events in his life affected his on-court performance, and others say he is depressed — and, my favorite, Cuban himself says that Lamar was distracted by his reality show.
To get to the bottom of this … oh, wait, I will never get to the bottom of this without real, like, reporting. Let me rephrase. To use this as an excuse to watch some trashy television, I decided to rewatch his reality show to try to make some sense out of why things broke so badly for The Candy Man in the Lone Star State. Scientific, I know.