Khloe Kardashian & Lamar Odom: "She once picked him up at a downtown L.A. crack den. In June, she busted down a door at the Hollywood Roosevelt Hotel to find him with another woman. Two months later, he assured her he was sober — and then promptly got a DUI." Then she found Lamar's drug paraphernalia in her room. "She said, 'That's it.' She didn't feel comfortable in a place where Lamar had abused drugs." Khloe is no longer speaking to Lamar. "There's no hope for reconciliation. She feels like she never knew the real Lamar." Really? "This is her Lammy, the love of her life. But he lied to her. There are only so many things you can do for love."
Khloe and Kim are taking pictures of Bernard Hopkins with some kind of papier-mâché unicorn horn glued to his head. With an inflection that suggests she legitimately doesn't know the answer to the question, Khloe asks Kim, "Do you take naps?" Kim says, "I haven't yet, but I'm really in the mood for one right now." Sure. Getting the unicorn horn onto the dog's head probably takes it out of you. Kim feels her baby move. Wonder-filled moving-baby music plays. "You know what I never want to see?" Khloe says. "Where, like, the foot is bulging out." Kim starts squeezing her stomach to make the baby's limbs poke out and Khloe leaves the room because Kim's made it weird.
Scott's found a pair of handcuffs. He asks Kourtney, "Remember when we used to use these bad boys?" Bruce walks in just as Scott's proposing they put one on his [bleep] and one on her [bleep], which doesn't even make sense. "You ever use these back in the day on ol' Kris Jenner?" Scott asks Bruce. Bruce sighs and says, "Never the cuffs." He's drinking from a juice box. He's wearing a T-shirt the exact color of a lime-yellow fire truck. Kourtney Instagrams a picture of the cuffs and Bruce can't believe it. Why would someone share their private life with the entire world like that? He's there to pick up his air compressor, so he does. What he does with it after that is his business. Scott tells Kourtney that dudes ask him all the time to hook them up with Kris Jenner, now that all the Kardashian daughters are off the market. Kourtney points out that she's still technically on the market even though she has kids; Scott says, "I want to put my meat for sale, too, then."
Rob says, "Legitimately, you can gain an inch to your penis if you lose 10 pounds. That's also why I'm going to do porn." Khloe looks at her nails. "Yes, Rob," she says. "We all know your story." Kim is on the Internet reading about people eating their placentas, looking at some sort of placenta slide show. "That is the sac where the baby lives inside of you!" she says. "It's all bloody." She reads from the screen: "The perfect postpartum superfood." Khloe says, "Is this what happens when everyone gets pregnant? You all turn into little Kourtneys?"
After the opening title card it's a different day and Khloe and Kim are eating a salad out of a plastic clamshell, although mostly it's Kim eating it. Kim even eats the little pieces of salad that have fallen on the counter. Khloe drinks a glass of white wine and watches, sort of shocked. Kim finds a plastic grocery bag in the trash, full of empty candy wrappers, a telltale sign that Rob's been eating his feelings again. Split-second montage: Rob on Kim's phone saying "I'm 50 pounds overweight — it's embarrassing to the family" and then Kris being supportive. "That candy is not normal!" Kim fumes. "OK," Khloe says, soothing her. "Your eyes [just] went beadier than I've ever seen in my life. It freaked me out a little bit."
Brody meets Bruce and a few other Jenners for lunch. Kylie asks him, "What's your girlfriend's name? My friends know her." Bruce looks at a picture of the new girlfriend on Instagram and, because she's holding a cat in the picture, says "Nice pussy," thus freeing us from thinking about how creepy it is that Brody's dating a girl who's friends with Kylie's friends. Bruce says he's been asked to do Jimmy Fallon. Brody says "I thought you hated that guy." Bruce tells the story: "Well, I'm in Germany a week before the Games, and I'm watching Jimmy Fallon. And he makes some stupid face joke, I can't blink or something, I don't know — it was stupid. And then I'm thinking to myself, I gotta be in the middle of Germany and listen to this, y'know?" Cut to talking-head interview: Bruce says Fallon's always making "blink jokes."
"'Bruce Jenner can't blink 'cause he's had so many surgeries,'" he says in a duh-duh voice. "Well, you know what?" He blinks repeatedly and spastically for three seconds. "I can blink, Jimmy Fallon."
I just recap this show, I don't review it, but I'll tell you this for free: I miss Greece. Everything seemed charged with importance when everyone was in Greece. Everything was beautiful and nothing hurt quite as much. What an arc. I didn't know how good I had it.
So Kim's got a walk-in closet at the Jenner house now and she and Kylie and Khloe are lounging in it, dicking around with, like, baubles and shit. "My new thing is jeweled necklaces," Kim says. "Overdoing it." She pulls out something Trinidad James might wear to his coronation as Scorpion King. Kylie says "Chokers are so in right now," and Kim says "They are?" Kim talks about how amazing Kylie's Tumblr is. There's a shot of Kylie's amazing Tumblr. (And many shots of it below.) I guess if you've never seen a 16-year-old girl's "edgy" fashion blog before it's pretty amazing. I guess computers in general are pretty amazing, when you think about it. Kourtney walks in and Kim says, "Who did your makeup today? It looks horrendous." Kourtney says something mean about Kim's under-eyes. It goes on like that for a while; Kim keeps asking Kylie what she thinks, because Kim's decided Kylie is some kind of style genius because Kylie knows how to reblog images of jorts and leopards and Rihanna.
Kate Middleton & Kim Kardashian Raising Children Alone: "They may seem to have it all, but with absent partners and no homes of their own, both Kate Duchess of Cambridge and Kim Kardashian are struggling with motherhood." And their names both begin with K! Both ladies are "alone, as their international icon baby daddies, Prince William and Kanye West, step out without them, partying it up with pals and heading back to work, away from the nest." Kate and William moved in with Kate's parents, rather than hire full-time nannies. "The truth is, Kate wants this baby to grow up normal. No fuss, no bother and few servants." LOL YEAH RIGHT. Will has escaped the house as much as possible, playing polo with his brother and fulfilling his duties in the Royal Air Force. "It's all a bit too loved-up for him. He was thrilled to play first-time dad, but now he's content to leave it to the ladies. He's learned how to change a diaper, but like any action man, William is starting to feel he's more use to the military." What is an action man?
In their kitchen Khloe wraps her arms around Lamar's torso and pretends he's a tree and she's a climbing vine. "I love my Lammy so much," she says. "I feel like my honeymoon phase has never ended." Malika beams. Lamar lets out an extravagantly telegraphed fart. "Love is seriously such a crazy thing," Khloe says in voice-over. Lamar heads to the john, color-commentating the no doubt copious no. 2 he's about to take. "I'm prairie doggin' a little bit over here," he says. If the news is true, let this be the way we remember them.
Bruce greets Kris by asking if she really needs to wear sunglasses in the house. She makes fun of his little white golf shirt and how high up he belts his pants. The doorbell rings; it's Jeff Andrews, Kris's interior designer. "Is there a design emergency I'm here for?" he asks eagerly, like somebody whose first time showing up fake-spontaneously at someone's door on a reality show this probably isn't. Kris tells him she wants to turn the Blue Room into a nursery. Bruce pretends to be upset about her deciding to redo the Blue Room without asking him first. He points out that they can't just turn the closet into the "shelving situation" Kris is envisioning. They can't just not have a closet in the Blue Room. Kris silences him. Jeff says, "What colors do you want to do in here?" and Kris says, "Well, that's the 60 million dollar question." Bruce's eyes roll.
Lamar Odom Caught Cheating on Khloe Kardashian: After his affair with Jennifer Richardson was exposed, "Lamar has continued to self-destruct, as Khloe, 29, has continued to profess her love and support for her philandering husabnd — even though they've been living apart for the better part of two months. Friends and fans alike begin to wonder: How can a woman as smart, beautiful, and successful as Khloe stay with a cheater? Doesn't she know about his affairs?" Turns out she does "and she's furious." And there has been more than one. "Another woman has now come forward, claiming that she recently spent six intimate weeks with Lamar … and Khloe tracked them down in a hotel and tried to assault her!" Self-described criminal defense attorney Polina Polonsky "passed a polygraph as she told her story" to Star. Polina says "I am seriously scared for my life! Khloe has followed me and she has other people trailing me. I can't even go home, because I'm scared that something bad will happen. I want my story to be made public, because if something bad happens to me, I want people to know the truth." Oh my lord, what kind of bad thing? Are the Kardashians like the Sopranos?
Kim, Kourtney, and Khloe go baby-clothes shopping, a process that's mostly about saying the word "cute" 500 times. Cute. Cute. Look how cute. Kim and Kourtney aren't including Khloe in their conversation about how cute everything is, and Khloe gets really annoyed about it. "How much longer are we going to do this all day?" she asks. Nobody pays any attention. Khloe picks up a toy from the shelf. "Look, it's a black sheep," she says. "How ironic!" Nobody pays any attention. Nobody gets the reference. Nobody knows what "ironic" means.
Exposition Hour at Khloé and Lamar's house. Khloé says something about Rob hoarding Pop-Tarts in his room again. "He's on all the blogs," Khloé says. "They're saying, 'Did you eat Khloé?'" Kim says that Rob's gained 50 pounds, that he pulls over in the car and cries about it once a day. "I think it's cute," Lamar says. "Mason got, like, a real-life teddy bear now." Kim says, "We gotta get Teddy to a fat camp. This really is sad, you guys." Shot of Kourtney not looking all that sad. Kourtney hates your weakness, whatever it is.
Brandon & Leah play music in the backyard of the Jenner house. An onscreen title helpfully identifies it as an "Intimate Live Video Shoot," as if a show this small is a big deal because usually Brandon & Leah play stadiums. Anyway, in the intimate confines of the backyard of a house that's on TV every week, Brandon lays down a sweet groove on the djembe, Leah starts in with some strangely familiar "Oomh, oomh, oomhs," and you're thinking, No, it can't be, they wouldn't, but yes — they're doing "Showstopper," a Brandon & Leah original best known as the theme song from Season 2 of Kourtney & Kim Take Miami. Turns out it's longer than eight seconds and features Leah semi-rapping lyrics like "You're all uptight and mighty / Let me cut you down to sizey / Like a yummy piece of toasted bread."
Full disclosure: I still haven't watched last week's episode, which aired while I was on vacation, so I have no idea what it was about. Smart money's on "ridiculous rich people doing rich-people things," which is also what we're presented with as this week's episode opens. Kim and Kourtney climb aboard personal watercraft for some of the least-needed R&R in history, except someone's tied some complicated-ass knots in the ropes securing the personal watercraft to the boat they're moored to. Scott remarks on this repeatedly. Like, seriously, who tied up these personal watercraft with these goofy knots? You crazy for this one, knot-tiers! It's not the greatest cold open. Eventually the knots are undone, and off Kim and Kourtney go, across the water and out of sight, and for a moment we all get to imagine what it would be like if they never came back, but they do. They always do.
Who Is Khloe Kardashian's Baby Daddy? "Photos of the reality TV star hopping into the tattooed arms of rapper The Game in L.A.'s Runyon Canyon ignited a firestorm of talk that she was cheating on her husband Lamar Odom — a controversy that shows no signs of abating." OK! then uses every photo they can find of Khloe with her hand on or near her stomach (there are a lot, from all different times) to claim she is pregnant. While pregnancy was her dream, "that doesn't mean it's all roses and lollipops." (Is that a phrase?) The Game says he and Khloe were just promoting his 60 Days of Fitness program. According to him, "We have never and will never be sleeping together. Lamar is my homie and her husband and I wish people wouldn't spread such false rumors." Do you though, Game? Because this is the most publicity you've had in years.
Angelina Jolie is "Surprise! Boring in bed." Whaaaaaa? This alleged information comes from shade thrown by her ex, Billy Bob Thornton, who has said, "sometimes, with the model, the actress, the 'sexiest person in the world,' it may be literally like fucking the couch." FUCK YO COUCH, BILLY BOB!
Bethenny Frankel & Jason Hoppy's Split: Lunching with a friend in New York, Frankel and a friend "shared a plate of octopus, spaghetti, and a solemn conversation." How does one share a plate of octopus? Four tentacles each? Bethenny "wasn't smiling or laughing. She looked serious." Not to mention, her wedding ring was off. "So much for Frankel's happily ever after." Hoppy is still wearing his wedding band, and "feels used — like she just wanted him for a baby." He plans to fight her over custody of their daughter in court. Despite constant fights, Hoppy "was hoping she was just going through a phase." Friends claim he is wearing his ring as a plot to garner public sympathy. "It's definitely an image thing. He knows he's getting photographed. He's a smart guy." Frankel wants him to move out ASAP but he has been taking his time. "He's just not sure where he wants to go." Hoppy is angry, and "feels like he gave up his career for her. He basically stopped working to support her and wants to be compensated for it."
The couple got together in 2008 after meeting at a New York club. Sources say Frankel's no-holds-barred ambition is to blame for the union's downfall. "She got obsessive about her career." Bethenny's empire of Skinnygirl products had netted her at least a hundred million, but she still wants more. She also apparently "has high expectations that no man could ever live up to." With a new talk show rolling out soon expect to hear plenty more about the split, and possibly for it to get ugly.
Can we talk about the cat? We have to talk about the cat. There is no way around the cat. Mercy Kardashian — a white teacup Persian gifted to Kim Kardashian in September by boyfriend Kanye West, named in tribute to a not-very-kittenish Kanye song about Lamborghinis, and subsequently gifted to Khloé Kardashian Odom's assistant when Kim turned out to be allergic — died earlier this month from a cancer-like stomach virus. This was sad but not strange. It's a hard world. Sometimes God kills a kitten. Honestly, there is evidence that God can be kind of a feckless thug when it comes to celebrity pets. Mercy made out better than Jessica Simpson's maltipoo Daisy (coyote attack), Martha Stewart's chow puppy Genghis Khan (propane explosion), or Rocker, Courtney Love's Pomeranian (ingestion of a poor-quality Mexican breast implant — no, seriously, Google it).
Demi Moore Out Of Control in Miami: "Dancing wildly and downing Red Bull after Red Bull at 1:30 A.M., Demi Moore — wearing a thigh-baring romper and black glasses — made quite a spectacle of herself in Miami Beach." There for Art Basel, the "50-year-old mom of three grinded against fellow reveler Stacy Keibler, 33, as Lenny Kravitz, 48, looked on." How come nobody's calling nearly 50-year-old father Kravitz "out of control" for still going out and partying? Oh right, he's not a woman. Then again, Demi did just get out of rehab, so the age-shaming can be also be played off as genuine concern for her health. "Demi partying was really something else. Lenny was rolling his eyes." Moore's boy-toy Vito Schnabel, 26, "was keeping a safe distance from the self-proclaimed puma." He tried to ditch her, but "she won't let it go. He told her to leave him alone, but she went to Miami anyway." I would totally watch this if it were a movie, but the reality is pretty hard to take. "Demi is insecure about getting older." OH YOU THINK? "That's why she hangs out with so many young people." A friend defends her by saying, "She was having fun." She looks like she was having fun twerking like an awkward white lady. Before Schnabel, she hooked up with Hard Rock Hotel heir Harry Morton, who dated Lindsay Lohan. Moore's daughters were in Miami to party, but they have exiled their mom. "They're not talking. She and Scout haven't spoken in a long time." This is very sad. Actresses get punished for getting older but mocked for acting young. Demi Moore obviously has a lot of problems, but shaming her isn't gonna help.