Can we talk about the cat? We have to talk about the cat. There is no way around the cat. Mercy Kardashian — a white teacup Persian gifted to Kim Kardashian in September by boyfriend Kanye West, named in tribute to a not-very-kittenish Kanye song about Lamborghinis, and subsequently gifted to Khloé Kardashian Odom's assistant when Kim turned out to be allergic — died earlier this month from a cancer-like stomach virus. This was sad but not strange. It's a hard world. Sometimes God kills a kitten. Honestly, there is evidence that God can be kind of a feckless thug when it comes to celebrity pets. Mercy made out better than Jessica Simpson's maltipoo Daisy (coyote attack), Martha Stewart's chow puppy Genghis Khan (propane explosion), or Rocker, Courtney Love's Pomeranian (ingestion of a poor-quality Mexican breast implant — no, seriously, Google it).
Every week there are five new gossip magazines covering the same mostly imaginary stories. We scan them for you and select the choicest bits. Consider this your primer for the water cooler.
This week's Top 6 stories:
1. Kim's Divorce, of course. "When a subdued Kim Kardashian, dressed in a skin-tight Poison Ivy costume ..." Wait, stop right there. I can't. I'm sorry. I just can't. How can a human being be subdued in a Poison Ivy costume? Depressed, maybe. You can be depressed in a slutty costume, sure. But subdued? A Poison Ivy costume is the exact opposite of subdued. It says "LOOK AT ME I AM A SEXY GINGER PLANTMONSTER!!!" I guess I always saw Kim as kind of a Katwoman, because she's more of a Selena Kyle (out at galas, interested in jewels) than a Dr. Pamela Isley (alone in the lab with her plants). Oh, I guess she did that two years ago. Anyway, Us suggests she dumped Kris Humphries not for any of the reasons we all assumed but because he made a bad investment in a company with a friend of his, which is now the subject of federal fraud charges. A shrewd businesswoman to the core. Maybe Kim should date Nucky Thompson.