20. Chris Brown: For "beating his girlfriend Rihanna." (Duh.) "Even though Rihanna has taken him back, many music industry insiders don't trust him, perhaps because he claims to be the real victim."
19. Jesse James: "People began to turn on the reality star with reports of his cheating on Sandra Bullock, but his tone-deaf statements made matters worse."
18. Taylor Swift: "The talented singer-songwriter has not only dated what seems like every guy in Hollywood, but she's made millions bashing them in her songs!" Whatever, they're great songs and those dudes were fuckos! "She also can't seem to take a joke. After Tina Fey made a lighthearted quip about her boy-crazy rep, Taylor responded by saying 'There's a special place in hell for women who don't help other women.'" OMG, she was like just quoting Katie Couric! Boo, you whore.
"Bow Down/I Been On," the probable first single(s) from Beyoncé's next album, has been as divisive and controversial as Spring Breakers, as audiences seem unsure how seriously to take it. After all, this is Beyoncé, queen of mixed messages. One thing comes across loud and clear: Beyoncé is not here for your expectations of her. Even if her most seemingly impromptu moves are incredibly calculated (ripping the earpiece out during the national anthem!), practiced to seem extemporary, we will never be able to prove it because she is just that good at faking being real.
Why was House of Cards antihero Frank Underwood a Democrat? "If we had made Underwood a Republican, it might look as though we are trying to take cheap potshots and that the show has a political agenda. But the show doesn’t have a political agenda, so making him a Democrat has an ancillary benefit of hopefully diminishing anyone’s thoughts about this show having some sort of political point of view or agenda that we’re trying to push." I see!
Sean the Bachelor Is a Virgin: Despite one date where he "cuddled and made snow angels" and another involving "a catamaran ride to a private island," this season's The Bachelor contestant, Sean Lowe, is abstinent. As in "chaste." As in, he still has his V-card? "Sean doesn't want to have sex until he's married." Turns out he's a born-again virgin. "Though Lowe did have sex in college, he embraced religion in his twenties and no longer believes in premarital relations." Oh. Producers claim they didn't exactly know, but, yeah, right. "By the time Lowe whittled down the women to his final three, these potential wives were eager to pass first base." Normally, the fantasy suite dates are known for being sex marathons, "but instead of seducing them, Lowe revealed his idea of a fantasy: waiting until marriage." Oh. "The women didn't see it coming. They were disappointed." Hopefully, producers provided them with vibrators or something. "He had some pretty intense makeout sessions." A virgin who only ever wants to make out? Sounds like Taylor Swift has finally found her future husband.
Angelina Jolie is "Surprise! Boring in bed." Whaaaaaa? This alleged information comes from shade thrown by her ex, Billy Bob Thornton, who has said, "sometimes, with the model, the actress, the 'sexiest person in the world,' it may be literally like fucking the couch." FUCK YO COUCH, BILLY BOB!
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"I don't think [Lady Gaga] lives it, because it's all artifice. It's all image with no meaning behind it. You can't sink your teeth into it. It's a sound bite. It's very of this age, because that's what people want." — Jack White in Esquire UK
"I never said anything about her music, or questioned the authenticity of her songs in any way. I was in a conversation about the drawbacks of image for the sake of image, and that it is popular nowadays to not question an image in front of you, but only to label it as 'cool' or 'weird' quickly and dispose of it. I don't like my comments about Lady Gaga's presentation being changed into some sort of negative critique of her music." — Jack White's follow-up statement
Kirstie Alley's Juicy Memoir Is All About Men: She dated Tim 'Otter' Matheson in the early '80s "until one fateful night when his secret fiancée's unexpected visit forced Kirstie to escape out the window." It was then that she learned, "don't trust actors, no matter how many éclairs they offer you." She and Patrick Swayze had an emotional affair during '85 miniseries North and South while they were both married to other people. "Patrick told Kirstie that he was falling in love with her and she, in turn, begged him, unsuccessfully, to have sex." As in she begged him unsuccessfully or the sex was unsuccessful in some way? "This man and I never had sex or did sexual things, but I consider what we did more dangerous and a betrayal to our spouses." Does they mean they played, like, really steamy games of Connect Four?
Alley fantasized about Ted Danson and his "big dick" during her time on Cheers, although she never got to sample the merchandise. The cast once conspired to photograph Danson in the shower, but "things didn't go according to plan." Kirstie says, "George Wendt kicked the door open. I snapped the photo of the naked Ted. I swear to God he was well endowed. I would show you the picture, but my hands were shaky." She calls handsome Dancing With the Stars Maksim Chmerkovskiy pro "mysterious" as well as "capricious, rude, thoughtless, and bossy. He is also gentle, childlike, fragile, and sensitive." Be sure to take Alley's revelations with a lot of salt. She also claims she and John Travolta fell in love during Look Who's Talking, although they never hooked up. It's possible some of these passionate love affairs may have taken place mainly in her imagination. I wanna see the receipts.
"It's hard being such a powerful woman in the business. I'm known for not always being warm and fuzzy, because you'll just get bulldozed over." — Christina Aguilera
You cannot only sort of listen to Christina Aguilera. You are either inside the Aguileran maelstrom — deep lungs inflating the cartoonish cleavage as a blonde hair-cape whips all around you and melismas rain down like a hail of bullets — or you are not. Christina does not play the background. On Lotus — her first album since 2010's flop Bionic and the decent-but-far-from-stellar reception to her musical Burlesque — Aguilera strives to reclaim her title as the heavyweight vocal champion in a post-Adele world.
Jennifer Aniston & Justin Theroux Are Engaged: So much for that other story from last week saying they'd broken up. "Justin Theroux was a bundle of jangled nerves" on his 41st birthday, since "the only present he wanted was to hear Jennifer Aniston say yes to his proposal of marriage." The nervous Theroux "even swore to a friend she'd say no." The tabloids would have gone nuts if she'd said no. "Jen cried. The proposal was simple. He was surprised she said yes, but he is so happy." They celebrated at a Greenwich Village restaurant. In 2005 she told Vanity Fair "There's an amazing man that's wandering the streets right now who's the father of my children." She meant in the future, I think. In the following years "she kissed a string of frogs — ahem, John Mayer — and now friends are thrilled that the actress has finally found her prince at age 43." Because women are princesses until the day they die, duh. "Jen's had a really hard time with love. She hasn't always given herself the respect she deserves." The tabloids profitably hammering on her self-esteem and life choices probably didn't help. It's cute how they're like a passive-aggressive frenemy suddenly pretending to be happy for her!
Katie Holmes, Newly Strict Mom: Suri and Katie hit a pet store "to play with a 9-week-old Morkie (a mix of Maltese and Yorkie)." Despite Suri's "best pleading eyes and sad pout," they escaped without a new pet. Suri "was really upset. She will have to get used to not always getting her way." With an unlimited budget for clothes and toys, Suri "had become very demanding and bratty. "Katie saw that Suri was growing into a monster." Now she aims "to be more than just her daughter's best friend. She wants to really become a parent and start teaching her strong discipline." GOOD LUCK WITH ALL THAT. "Tom bought Suri whatever she wanted whenever she wanted it." As a Scientologist, Suri was allowed to have "ice cream for dinner and choose her own business." Wait, that sounds rad. "Tom just used to let her stay up all night watching Scientology kids videos!" Okay, that's less rad. Suri doesn't love the new parenting style. She may enjoy going to prep school, since it will allow her to genuinely socialize for the first time. "Suri's best friend is Katie. She's not used to sharing or playing with other kids." It's going fine. "It will be a process. Katie knows it will take time to undo the damage, but she sees this as a way to start over."
Guess who's banned in Indonesia? Despite having nearly sold out a 40,000-seat venue, Lady Gaga will not be performing in Jakarta on June 3. Because? Because she is Lady Gaga. In the buildup to the show, three hard-line Islamic groups protested it on profanity grounds and managed to convince the police that there were safety concerns significant enough to shut it down. Reuters quotes Salim Alatas, the Jakarta head of Islamic Defender Front: "She's a vulgar singer who wears only panties and a bra when she sings and she stated she is the envoy of the devil's child and that she will spread satanic teaching." (Note: I'm not a religious scholar, but I think Alatas is talking about the song "Judas." And, also, more generally, stuff like this.) "This is dangerous."
Rihanna and Chris: "Of the 100 people gathered gathered to ring in Rihanna's 24th birthday at a Beverly Hills mansion the day before Valentine's Day, only one stood out: her abusive ex-boyfriend, Chris Brown." A witness says, "Rihanna and Chris were very much together. He was touching her butt, rubbing her arm, and they kept dancing with each other. They seemed like a couple to everyone." But while they have "been covertly hooking up for almost a year" they have finally "become more open about their mutual affection." A Riri pal says, "Chris was a strong first love for her that she wants to hold on to. They had a violent, stormy relationship. Her friends obviously think this reunion is crazy — but nobody can tell Rihanna what to do." And since it was her birthday, nobody said an unkind word about Brown's presence, who "kept his gaze on Rihanna until past 4 am," saying "Isn't Rihanna beautiful?" to fellow party guest LaLa Vasquez Anthony. Chris "will always love Rihanna" and would drop girlfriend Karrueche Tran (whose face he recently had tatted on his arm) if Rihanna asked — but Rihanna prefers the control and power she currently has over him, even if Chris still has the upper hand. "She likes the loose nature of it and she doesn't want a boyfriend. This is dangerous, and she likes playing with fire."
Demi: "From the way Demi Moore was behaving on one January night, she may as well have been a college kid at a dive bar on spring break." The 49-year-old actress "looked out of her mind" partying with her 23-year-old daughter, Rumer. "She was dancing wildly, lifting up her shirt to show off her six-pack. Just desperate for attention. She was trying to seem sexy and cool." At an after-hours kickback in her Beverly Hills house, Moore smoked "an incense-like substance" (possibly the legal faux-marijuana Spice). "Everyone there thought she was going to die." She was treated at an ER. "Demi's life is in complete crisis. She has spiraled since her split from Ashton. She has no idea who she is or what her life should be." Her split from Kutcher "sent Moore's deep-rooted insecurity about aging into overdrive." "Once Hollywood's hottest and highest-paid actress," Demi viewed daughter Rumer "as her clubgoing wingwoman and an entrée into the young Hollywood scene." A friend of Rumer's says, "It's so weird." Demi has been "chasing" Zac Efron. She "tracked down the actor at a party" in Venice. "She just showed up, and everyone was pretty freaked out. They thought it was weird she would hang out with people half her age. She calls him and texts him a lot, but he's not interested at all. He thinks she's a creepy cougar." Oh no, not the C-words! "She seemed out of her mind at this party." At Beacher's Madhouse "a sloppy Moore danced on tables." A few nights later she chugged 10 Red Bulls. "She always wanted to seem young and fun to keep up with Ashton's friends. Her age made her feel insecure enough, but if she was sober as well, she felt like she was a killjoy." She "turned to bizarre beauty treatments, like using leeches." You mean like Jenna Maroney on last week's 30 Rock? "She would do anything to stay youthful."
Jay Caspian Kang has pledged to write about American Idol until the producers at Fox agree to sign a Jacob Lusk provision that would allow Young Luther to appear on every season of the show, from here until eternity.
Mark Lisanti is the editor of Hollywood Prospectus and has been a professional Idol pundit for the past 25 years. He hasn’t missed a minute of the competition since its world-changing debut, if you discount the scores of soul-crushing results-show hours skipped via DVR.
This season, they’ll answer five very important questions after each episode. (No, not including the results shows. Pay attention.) Today, they warm up for the grueling task ahead with a quick preview of what’s to come in Season 11.