Scene: Tauheed Epps (commonly known as 2 Chainz, playing character Calvin "Pearlie" Jones) is being attended to in a massage parlor, when Odafin "Fin" Tutuola (Ice-T) and Benson (Mariska Hargitay) bust in to question him. The following are all of his lines. Mad-libbed.
1. "Aw, yeah. Right there, I (eat/like/need/respect) that."
2. "What the? Aw, hell no. I got (high cholesterol/sciatica/a fear of clowns/a fear of not ballin'/narcolepsy/Similac)."
You're busy and only have time for so many murders per week. So which TV procedurals are actually worth your time? We consulted the plot descriptions for this week's grisliest dramas and, below, offer our best advice on how to manage your viewing schedule.
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Hawaii Five-O (CBS), “Mai Ka Wa Kahiko” (Monday at 10 p.m.) “A dirty cop from Danno's past comes to the island to exact revenge on Danno and his family for ruining his life, forcing the Five-0 to find a way to help their teammate.”
The Murder Forecast is glad the unit is rallying around Danno, and showing solidarity and support and everything, but is all quite right here? If Danno is going around ruining people’s lives, maybe a little bit of revenge is called for. At the very least the dirty cop should get to muddy up Danno’s foyer.
You're busy and only have time for so many murders per week. So which TV procedurals are actually worth your time? We consulted the plot descriptions for this week's grisliest dramas and, below, offer our best advice on how to manage your viewing schedule.
Skip
NCIS (CBS), “A Desperate Man” (Tuesdays at 8 p.m.) “When a Navy lieutenant commander is found dead in a building under construction, NCIS must search for a killer while dealing with interruptions from her distraught detective husband. Meanwhile, Ray's return has Ziva thinking about her future.”
You're busy and only have time for so many murders per week. So which TV procedurals are actually worth your time? We consulted the plot descriptions for this week's grisliest dramas and, below, offer our best advice on how to manage your viewing schedule.
Skip
CSI (CBS), “Zippered” (Wednesdays at 10 p.m.) “When the CSI team discovers a deceased rancher was also a ballistics expert, they have to work with the FBI to solve the case.”
CSI: OG has popped out 250-plus episodes over the past 12 years, so you really can’t fault its writers for turning in limp, by-the-numbers plot lines every once in a while. Here’s a suggestion, though. CSI writers: Whenever you’re too drained to come up with anything more than a boring linear murder with some minor tension, how about calling us to suggest nutty additions in the interest of spice and variety? For example, in the situation above, I would have recommended making the deceased rancher/ballistics expert also someone who eats faces. What do you say?
You're busy and only have time for so many murders per week. So which TV procedurals are actually worth your time? We consulted the plot descriptions for this week's grisliest dramas and, below, offer our best advice on how to manage your viewing schedule.
Skip
CSI: New York (CBS), "Means to an End" (Friday at 9 p.m.) “When an important witness turns up dead, Jo is caught up in the dangerous investigation of the suspected rapist who was freed on her watch in D.C. Michael Weston guest stars as Frank Waters, Jo's former colleague from the FBI. Jason Wiles returns as rape suspect John Curtis. Jeffrey Nordling returns as Senator Kirk Matthews, who blames Jo for Curtis's previous acquittal.”
This is the second time in the brief, illustrious career of the Murder Forecast in which an episode description for CSI: NY has featured the phrase “Jason Wiles returns as rape suspect John Curtis.” Seriously, CSI: NY, how much longer must this go on? The fictional victims of John Curtis demand fictional closure.
You're busy and only have time for so many murders per week. So which TV procedurals are actually worth your time? We consulted the plot descriptions for this week's grisliest dramas and, below, offer our best advice on how to manage your viewing schedule.
Skip
NCIS (CBS), “ Engaged (Part I)” (Tuesdays at 8 p.m.) The NCIS team uncovers a discrepancy with DNA remains when investigating the crash of a military plane that had been transporting caskets.
CSI: Miami (CBS), "Dead Ringer" (Sundays at 10 p.m.) When Horatio finds another corpse with missing eyes, everything points to his nemesis, "The Taunter" — except he has an airtight alibi.
Nothing in particular wrong with the plot lines for either O.G. NCIS or CSI’s sunniest spin-off this week. Promised up top: political intrigue, the skirting of sensitive international affairs, the grim stares of tall men in uniforms. Promised down below: eyes sockets that do not have eyeballs in them. Here’s the problem, then. Neither “Engage” (which is a "Part 1" episode) nor “Dead Ringer” (which references “The Taunter,” a previously established killer) are not standalone episodes. This kind of thing does, unfortunately, happen from time to time with procedurals. But we come here, primarily, for grisly visuals and stories that can be resolved in 42 minutes. Context? Multi-episode arcs? Fleshed-out characters? It’s just not the same.
You're busy and only have time for so many murders per week. So which TV procedurals are actually worth your time? We consulted the plot descriptions for this week's grisliest dramas and, below, offer our best advice on how to manage your viewing schedule.
Law & Order: SVU (NBC), “True Believers” (Wednesdays at 10 p.m.) “A young music student is raped at gunpoint in her own apartment, but with her help, the SVU squad makes a quick arrest. Bureau Chief Mike Cutter takes over the case when he finds that opposing counsel is high-profile defense attorney Bayard Ellis. As Ellis works to undermine their police work and damage the victim's credibility, the detectives take the stand to prove they have more than just a he-said, she-said case.”
Have you ever seen an episode of Law & Order: SVU? You have seen this episode of Law & Order: SVU.
You're busy and only have time for so many murders per week. So which TV procedurals are actually worth your time? We consulted the plot descriptions for this week's grisliest dramas and, below, offer our best advice on how to manage your viewing schedule.
Skip
Criminal Minds (CBS), “From Childhood's Hour" (Wednesday at 9 p.m.) “The BAU team investigates the abductions of young children with troubled mothers in St. Louis.”
Law & Order: SVU (NBC), “Missing Pieces” (Wednesday at 10 p.m.) “As the detectives race to find a missing baby on Halloween, they begin to doubt the story of the distraught parents. Benson and Amaro get as much information as they can from the anxious mother and her boyfriend at the police station, while Fin and Rollins track their path from Buffalo for clues.”
With all due respect to the natural beauty, architectural wonder, and kindness of the people of St. Louis and Buffalo, there probably won’t be much to see here. This is network television, so those missing children will likely be returned to their parents, safe and unmurdered.
With its eighth-season premiere on Monday, House became the fifth hit series this fall to return minus a major character. Though personnel changes happen all the time in TV, they can be treacherous. How did this year's affected shows — including The Office, Two and a Half Men, Law & Order: SVU, and CSI — do? Below, we grade them in relation to the replacement of the actresses that played Will's Aunt Viv on Fresh Prince of Bel Air. Everyone knows it just wasn't the same when Daphne Maxwell Reid took over for Janet Hubert-Whitten, right? On a scale of 1 to 5, with the more Old Aunt Viv's the better, here are the rankings for this fall's turnovers.
Leonardo DiCaprio is circling a lead role in Todd Field's (In the Bedroom, Little Children) The Creed of Violence, a Western based on the recent book by Boston Teran about a criminal who smuggles weapons into Mexico in 1910 but ends up in the custody of a government agent who turns out to be his son (DiCaprio hasn't yet decided between the two characters). Creed has been in development at Universal for years, but DiCaprio's interest could put it back on the fast track. Then again, maybe the failure of Cowboys and Aliens over the weekend means Universal will cool it on Westerns for a while. Grade: A- ["24 Frames"/LAT]
Woody Allen, currently enjoying his biggest-ever success with Midnight in Paris, will open up in a new documentary to air this November on PBS. Produced by Robert Weide (Curb Your Enthusiasm), Seriously Funny: The Comic Art of Woody Allen will feature interviews and footage of the director visiting his old Brooklyn neighborhood. Grade: B+ ["Show Tracker"/LAT]
