Kimye to Wed at Versailles: "Leave it to the self-proclaimed genius to have a gilded ace up his sleeve. Nothing less than France's famed Palace of Versailles will do for his spring vows to Kardashian, 33." This makes so much sense. "Kanye has never been married and wants a big one. It will be over-the-top crazy." But leave the guillotines at home, please. "They are not working with a budget. He says this is his moment, marrying his ideal woman." Can't you already hear Kanye screaming "THIS WAS SUPPOSED TO BE MY SPECIAL DAY" when the wrong rare orchids show up for the table settings? There will also be "fighter jets" flying overhead, as promised by Kanye repeatedly. And fireworks too, of course. I mean they'll still probably make better use of Versailles than Sofia Coppola did.
20. Chris Brown: For "beating his girlfriend Rihanna." (Duh.) "Even though Rihanna has taken him back, many music industry insiders don't trust him, perhaps because he claims to be the real victim."
19. Jesse James: "People began to turn on the reality star with reports of his cheating on Sandra Bullock, but his tone-deaf statements made matters worse."
18. Taylor Swift: "The talented singer-songwriter has not only dated what seems like every guy in Hollywood, but she's made millions bashing them in her songs!" Whatever, they're great songs and those dudes were fuckos! "She also can't seem to take a joke. After Tina Fey made a lighthearted quip about her boy-crazy rep, Taylor responded by saying 'There's a special place in hell for women who don't help other women.'" OMG, she was like just quoting Katie Couric! Boo, you whore.
Angelina Jolie is "Surprise! Boring in bed." Whaaaaaa? This alleged information comes from shade thrown by her ex, Billy Bob Thornton, who has said, "sometimes, with the model, the actress, the 'sexiest person in the world,' it may be literally like fucking the couch." FUCK YO COUCH, BILLY BOB!
Blake Lively & Ryan Reynolds: "With its 300-year-old moss-draped oak trees and stately, columned mansion, the Boone Hall Plantation & Gardens in Mount Pleasant, South Carolina, is a favorite venue for couples tying the knot. But it wasn't just the charming post-and-rail fences and lush lawns that appealed to the couple saying 'I do' there September 9th."
Was it the historic slave quarters then? Boone Hall's website seriously boasts about the "eight original slave cabins" and the road in front of the plantation property is quaintly named "Slave Street." I personally find the whole idea of getting married at a Southern plantation totally tacky and repulsive on a soul level, but hey, I'm not Blake Lively and Ryan Reynolds.
Chris Brown: "Confidently approached an attractive brunette" at a Grammy after-party and said, "Can I get your number? I promise I won't beat you!" according to the attractive brunette in question. "He and his friends laughed, then one yelled 'that's his new line!'" Ha ha ha ha DIE, CHRIS BROWN.
Kim Kardashian and Reggie Bush: Just before Valentine's Day, "the reality star reconnected with a tall, handsome suitor: ex-boyfriend Reggie Bush."