One of Linsday Lohan's Dealers Tells All: After Lohan's Piers Morgan appearance "where she told the host that she has done cocaine maybe four or five times in my life" and that she's "never been a huge drinker," a man named David Joseph comes forth to debunk her lies. "I saw her take a bump more than that when she tested out my deliveries. It is another example of how much denial she is in." DJ, "as he is known in the drug-dealing world" that shadows Hollywood, admits he is "the last guy to have a conscience," but he wanted to set the record straight. He started selling to Lohan in 2009. "He'd get a text message with an address in Beverly Hills or a suite number at the Chateau Marmont, Hollywood Roosevelt or W Hotel. Her rooms were usually in a real state. There were room-service trays dumped everywhere, with plates on floors and furniture. Clothes would be scattered. There were often champagne and vodka bottles around, and someone was usually smoking weed. All the ashtrays were full of cigarette butts. Ninety percent of the time, Linsday would be drunk, says DJ, vodka her drink of choice." Damn, DJ. "Lindsay ordered blow and pills. Her favorite was Molly, MDMA, which was the extrapure pharmaceutical ecstasy. Lindsay always liked that before she went out to a club." Love you too, Lindsay.
"DJ estimates that despite her widely reported money issues, Lindsay spent at least $10,000 to $15,000 on drugs during the time he dealt to her, noting that the narcotics were not only for her but also for her ever-present crew. The texts would only stop in the rare instance Lindsay booked a job - or, more likely, landed in rehab or jail. As DJ watched Lindsay spiral out of control, he could envision the inevitable unhappy ending, causing him to start responding 'wrong number' to texts from his jonesing client. Lindsay wasn't monitoring what she was taking, and there were lots of enablers around, so I had to walk away. I feared she would do a line of coke after some pills and then be dead." Aren't you a drug dealer, though? "DJ's fears were not unfounded. The last time the world heard from him was in February 2012, when he revealed that he had sold cocaine to Whitney Houston hours prior to her death." Oh. "I had dealt to her, but it was actually the prescription meds that caused Whitney's death, and I worried Lindsay would go down the same path. I knew there was no return from where she was going and I had no control over what other drugs she was using. I am not in the business of helping people kill themselves." Jesus H. Christ. "DJ doubts the starlet will change her ways." I don't know if DJ is real or not, but this is so dark.
The Rock Had a Tough Childhood: "Dwayne 'The Rock' Johnson has a reputation for being the ultimate showman, playing badass tough guys in movies like G.I. Joe Retaliation and The Scorpion King, and winning over WWE wrestling fans with his charisma, sarcasm and million-dollar smile. But behind his confident facade, it turns out the 41-year-old actor has been hiding the truth about his heartbreaking past — one in which he's had to overcome the pain of an alcoholic, unfaithful father and his run-in with the law." I love The Rock so much. "Dewey had a really hard time as a child growing up because he never saw his dad," according to Luan Crable, who had a "25-year-long romantic affair with Dwayne's father, former pro wrestler Rocky Johnson." Oh, my god, his father was a wrestler??? "Rocky was on the road 12 out of every 14 days" and "Dwayne must have worshipped his father, having followed Rocky into pro wrestling after a severe back injury ended his early football career." Man, this is Shakespearean.
In the immortal battle of Hemsworth vs. Hemsworth, the pendulum had most recently swung in favor of the younger man, Liam. First, the trailer for The Hunger Games: Catching Fire — the one in which Liam's Gale finally gets to do more than brood from afar — dropped. Then, against all odds, his lady, Miley Cyrus, frog-twerked her way back into our hearts. But now big bro Chris is coming on strong: The trailer for the second installment of his Thor series is here, and it's got some roaring to do.
Katy Perry & John Mayer Break Up: Call me a naive sucker, but I really thought these two could go the distance. They made it almost a year, which is like a decade in John Mayer relationship time. As recently as March 2, she tweeted, "My boyfriend is taking me to a kitten shelter in his truck. I can't think of a more perfect Saturday." In the time since then, something must have gone down, because by March 18 she was tweeting "ATTENTION: Mercury is OUT of retrograde today. Thank GOD." The split has now been announced in People, which means it was probably confirmed to them by either Mayer's or Perry's rep. So what went wrong? Let's do a postmortem.
Jennifer Lawrence & Prince Harry: "When you're Hollywood's It Girl, strange men become infatuated with you, inhaling your every utterance, typing your name into endless Google image searches. They might be accountants, laborers, lawyers, cashiers — or, in the case of Jennifer Lawrence, the Prince of Wales. That's right, Britain's Prince Harry has a royal crush on the Oscar-winning star of Silver Linings Playbook. After a four-month army hitch in Afghanistan, the rakish redhead, 28, is set to visit the U.S. in May and despite his on/off romance with Brit model Cressida Bonas, scoring a date with J-Law, 22, is at the top of his agenda." The name Cressida Bonas will never stop making me laugh. "Harry has given his flunkies a list of Hollywood hotties he wants to attend" a party he plans to throw. "Harry has a thing for all of them, but Jennifer's his number-one girl right now." Is it because she likes to party on hotel balconies with a blunt? Maybe. "Harry thinks Jennifer is a girl after his own heart — very chill and out for a good time." Everyone thinks that about Lawrence, because duh, that's her appeal. "Could Jennifer pull a Grace Kelly and live out a princess fantasy?" Something tells me she doesn't have princess fantasies, but OK. Harry, who is attracted to "buxom blondes" also has a thing for Kate Upton but would possibly switch to brunettes for Vanessa Hudgens.
Kim Kardashian Adjusts to Pregnancy: "Kim is well aware that she's famous for her amazing body and had no idea that pregnancy would change it so much." She probably thought she'd have a cute lil' pregnant belly, like her petite sister Kourtney did during her pregnancies. Kim has been "looking at old pictures of herself on her computer and phone for literally hours at a time, pining for her prepregnancy body. She is seriously melting down!" She's been posting even more photos of her old bod than usual for "Throwback Thursday" on her Instagram. A "celebrity weight coach and body expert" named Alicia Hunter says that Kim "looks like she's put on an insane amount of weight in such a short amount of time." She estimates that Kim has gained close to 70 pounds, instead of the 25-35 lbs. recommended. Kim knew that she would get bigger, but "she never expected such a drastic transformation so early on." Secretly she's "desperate to stop gaining so much weight" and it's making her depressed. "She cries every other day, and she's scared to see how big she'll get." While Kim is "grossed-out by her body, she's become obsessed with food." Her cravings take her to Pinkberry nearly every day. "She thinks it's healthy, but it's full of sugar." But, yogurt!
Liam Hemsworth & January Jones: Miley Cyrus's fiancé was spotted leaving a pre-Oscars party at the Chateau Marmont with January Jones. Betty Draper Francis! "Liam got January's coat and helped her put it on, then they headed outside. They made sure to leave a few seconds apart, so they wouldn't attract too much attention. Then they jumped into a waiting car and took off." But, of course, paparazzi caught them. Miley went to Elton John's party the next night and was "all over the place." She was spotted at fashion week in New York "flirting with every guy and girl in sight. Especially the models!" The couple haven't been spotted together in a week. "January, meanwhile, has a reputation for romancing unavailable men." OOH, THEY WENT THERE. "In addition to high-profile exes Ashton Kutcher, Josh Groban and Jason Sudeikis, she has reportedly been linked to married celebrity chef Bobby Flay and supermodel Claudia Sciffer's [sic] husband, producer Matthew Vaughn." But apparently it's not January's fault, because "Miley is not the girl Liam fell in love with. She's turned into an embarrassment." Because she cut her hair short? Pfffffttttt.
Taylor Swift's Fatal Attraction: Her relationship with rising high school junior Conor Kennedy continues at warp speed. "Swift is certainly taking her one-and-a-half-month romance rather, well, swiftly. Since meeting the 18-year-old Kennedy in July, the six-time Grammy winner, 22, has rearranged her schedule to spend as much time with him as possible." Although the rumor that she bought a house across the street from the Kennedy compound has been debunked, she is still giving off some serious Stage 5 Clinger vibes. "Swift loves that her new guy (son of Robert Kennedy Jr. and the late Mary) gives her entrée to the storied political family. She says it's a fantasy come true. She's very smitten." Isn't she always, though? "Pals are concerned she's repeating a troubling relationship pattern," citing the insanely fast pace of her monthlong fling with Jake Gyllenhaal, which ended when he dumped her unceremoniously. "She's always rushing into love. We all wonder why she can't take it slow." Because she thinks fairy-tale, love-at-first-sight romances are real, and always decides that whomever she is dating at the moment is The One (regardless of what the dude might think). "For years, Swift has harbored a not-so-secret infatuation with Conor's iconic family. One insider says Conor's cousin Ted Kennedy Jr. even calls the crooner a Kennedy groupie!" Well maybe Conor Kennedy is a Taylor Swift groupie! And they're not groupies, they're Band-Aids! She started collecting Kennedy memorabilia last year, after reading The Kennedy Women. She met Rory Kennedy at a screening of a doc about Ethel Kennedy, and was invited to spend her Fourth of July at the compound in Hyannis Port. She and Conor Kennedy have been inseparable ever since, although that may change in the fall when he goes back to, uh, high school.
Editor's note: When the first Expendables came out in 2010, the general consensus seemed to be "this is great seeing all these perfectly aged action stars come together for one preposterous, over-the-top testosterone explosion, but how could they have left out Liam Hemsworth?" Luckily, The Expendables 2 comes out this week to right its predecessor's wrongs. Join us as we celebrate the careers of the most illustrious ensemble cast to hit the big screen since New Year's Eve.
Right down to today's news of her engagement to boyfriend of three years Liam Hemsworth, Miley Cyrus has gracefully walked the line between showbiz glitz (marrying a Hunger Games star!) and down-home values (she's 19!). She also gave Hemsworth a penis cake one time for his birthday, which exists entirely outside of the Nashville-to-Hollywood spectrum. Cyrus and Thor's brother have been on-again off-again for the past couple years — word to all young lovers, it may "just last 10 minutes," but salvia sows the seeds of eternal discord. Now it seems these two finally realized that the only way to ensure that an on-again off-again relationship stays on is to buy a ring (and a trending topic on Twitter). Basically, Miley and Liam will be in love forever and we should all wish them the best and be very jealous.
Jennie Garth and Peter Facinelli: Nothing ever goes right for 90210's Kelly Taylor, perpetual victim of circumstance. "Watching a cow on her Santa Ynez, California, ranch tend to its newborn calf, Jennie Garth offered up a reassuring message to her daughters" as cameras rolled for her new reality show. "That's all a baby needs. His mama. Just the two of them. That makes a family." It was "undoubtedly bittersweet" as Garth and "her husband of 11 years, Twilight actor Peter Facinelli — had decided to separate." They made the split public in March, but "it's been over for months, maybe even a year. They kept up some sort of charade for their kids. They've been working on the marriage for a while. It was not something they took lightly." Facinelli experienced a popularity bump from his role as the Cullen patriarch in the Twilight franchise. "He used to be the one with the kids when she was a bigger star. She was jealous of his new life." The new life included "the attention of throngs of women — which unnerved Garth." Of course it did. Throngs! "She was jealous if he would even talk to another woman." Which he was doing, apparently, "hitting clubs with his younger castmates" in Vancouver, "including preferred wingman Kellan Lutz." In 2010 Garth said "I yearn for time with Peter, just so we can connect." Maybe Dylan McKay's still available. Just kidding, Dylan would totally be dead by now.
Miley Cyrus vs. Jennifer Lawrence In ... The Hemsworth Games: "While cuddling up to her boyfriend of nearly three years, Hunger Games hunk Liam Hemsworth, the former teen queen couldn't help but notice that her man's hands were clutching his phone. Miley saw that he was texting his co-star, Jennifer Lawrence. She was livid!" This article is already better than The Marriage Plot. With Miley's "worst fear becoming a reality" she's become "desperate to keep Liam," getting tattoos with him and obsessing daily over the state of her hot body. "While it would have annoyed Miley to see Liam, 22, texting any woman late at night, the jealous star's blood boiled to learn that he was chatting with the beautiful, talented Jennifer." That's right, Hollywood, only one beautiful talented girl allowed at a time! "Miley is threatened by Jennifer's career and confidence." After Miley's last thespian effort, The Last Song, tanked, "Jennifer has replaced her as Hollywood's new It Girl. And now Miley's terrified that she'll replace her as Liam's girlfriend too." Not to worry, Miley, Lawrence is smitten with her X-Men: First Class co-star Nicholas Hoult. But shooting the next two Hunger Games movies in the fall will isolate Lawrence and Hemsworth from their partners, and "their relationship will have another Miley-free opportunity to blossom." The panicked Cyrus "is not going to let him go so easily!"
Leonardo DiCaprio and Sean Penn are in talks for Alejandro Gonzalez Inarritu’s The Revenant. DiCaprio would play an 1820s frontiersman who, after being mauled by a bear on an expedition, hires two guys to transport him back from the wilderness; those two guys rob him and leave him for dead, and DiCaprio seeks out some solid revenge. Penn is in talks to play one of the two guys and being the ever-innovative thespian that he is, though, he's also looking into what it would take to play the bear. Grade: A- [Deadline]
Melissa McCarthy is having an excellent week: On Sunday, she won the Emmy for Best Comedy Actress, and yesterday, CBS picked up a sitcom she co-wrote with her husband, Ben Falcone. (It is, in her own words, “about a woman in her mid-40s who has a spectacular midlife crisis” and “what a midlife crisis means for a woman, which is very different from [what it means for] men.”) If this lucky streak continues, today Melissa McCarthy will probably enter and win a very lucrative raffle. Grade: A [Deadline]
Simon Cowell is working on a stage adaptation of The X Factor for London’s West End, and has reached out to British comedian Harry Hill and comedy music producer Steve Brown to drum up ideas for what such a monstrosity might look like. This is great news for British pop star Cheryl Cole, who now has one more iteration of X Factor from which she can be fired. Grade: D [Deadline]