Day 1 of this festival is usually the great unveiling. Day 2 begins the collective carping: Why on earth is this film up for the Palme d'Or and not this other one? The two major programs here — the main competition and the second-tier slate, Un Certain Regard — have very different outcomes. One puts you in the running for a handful of prizes, this year from the Steven Spielberg jury, no less. The other tends to make people scratch their heads about why the likes of Spielberg won't get to evaluate the films in it. The bafflement began in earnest today with the premiere of The Bling Ring, Sofia Coppola's teen caper movie in which a handful of affluent kids steal the stuff of famous Hollywood people.
I don't know that it was brave of Coppola to turn Nancy Jo Sales's Vanity Fair article into a movie, but I'm impressed by her unself-consciousness in repeatedly X-raying lives of privilege — be it the lives of artists, royalty, or losers. She's not the kid in college who dressed like a hobo while her family's name was etched into a building or two. She's proud of her Coppola-ness and legitimately curious about the side effects of prosperity — ennui, aspiration, perversion, delusion, decadence, mono- and megalomania. In another person's care, The Bling Ring could have been a total satire, and there are certainly satirical bits, like having Leslie Mann play the sort of dingbat mom who homeschools her kids with that life-improvement cult-fad The Secret. But Coppola is up to something smarter than a pure lampoon. She zeroes in on the universal insecurities that would turn lots of teenagers, of every class, into followers: the dream of being cool.
After our Ryan Seacrest–on-a-budget "premiere" of Miley Cyrus's new Snoop Lion–assisted single, "Ashtrays and Heartbreaks," last week, the Girls in Hoodies decided to conduct a general survey of how the tween stars of the aughts are holding up these days. We're feeling pretty good about the future of the former Miss Montana (and no longer future Mrs. Hemsworth) — which made Lindsay Lohan's disastrous Letterman appearance on Tuesday all the more sad-making. But first things first: We had a Mad Men season premiere and Stan Rizzo's beard to obsess over. The two-hour episode was weird, morbid, death-obsessed — and that's why it was so great! Finally, Tess and Molly helped Emily mentally prepare for Coachella this weekend, and we all discuss the pros and cons of the modern music festival. If only we could still see things through Huell's eyes.
Lindsay Lohan was on David Letterman last night, ostensibly promoting the two Charlie Sheen–related projects she has coming out: a guest appearance on his cable sitcom Anger Management and a cameo scene with him in Scary Movie 5. She is also scheduled to report to court-ordered rehab on May 2. She did not bring up The Canyons.
This Lohan appearance makes the roster of all-time most awkward Letterman moments: Drew Barrymore stripping at the peak of her butterfly tattoo phase, Madonna and Sandra Bernhard freaking square breeders out, and purse-pilferer Harmony Korine. Lohan wore a tight floral dress that split the difference between Betty and Joan (Season 1), and got really clearly annoyed when Letterman starting asking questions about her upcoming rehab and history. Her attempts to steer the conversation back to her gigs failed, and Dave needled her like a passive-aggressive relative until she called rehab "a blessing." Even those of us who enjoy interview anti-comedy like Zach Galifianakis's "Between Two Ferns" couldn't really find the humor in Lohan's discomfort.
Harmony Korine's Letterman legacy gave us the inspiration for this week's HOF: a look back on all the times the predictable rhythm of a talk show has been shaken up by its guests and taken to another level, for better or, oftentimes, for worse.
David Brent has emerged from a decade spent in relative seclusion — during which time I assume he hung out in pajamas, Googling himself and practicing his reggae performance techniques — to appear on Ricky Gervais's new YouTube channel and pointing at people of various ethnicities and sexual orientations on Equality Street with Doc Brown for the U.K. Comic Relief special. Biddily biddily biddily biddily bong, cue the endless stream of comments arguing about racism versus satire ("It's comedy, you miserable pricks").
Says Deadline: "Lohan has signed on to guest star as herself in an upcoming episode of Anger Management slated to air in April. In the episode, Lohan develops a romantic relationship with Sheen’s character after becoming his therapy patient. The casting reunites the two actors, who also co-star together" — and, at least according to this photo, sleep together, too — "in the upcoming Scary Movie 5 … and appears to be a publicity stunt for the film, which also debuts in April."
Sean the Bachelor Is a Virgin: Despite one date where he "cuddled and made snow angels" and another involving "a catamaran ride to a private island," this season's The Bachelor contestant, Sean Lowe, is abstinent. As in "chaste." As in, he still has his V-card? "Sean doesn't want to have sex until he's married." Turns out he's a born-again virgin. "Though Lowe did have sex in college, he embraced religion in his twenties and no longer believes in premarital relations." Oh. Producers claim they didn't exactly know, but, yeah, right. "By the time Lowe whittled down the women to his final three, these potential wives were eager to pass first base." Normally, the fantasy suite dates are known for being sex marathons, "but instead of seducing them, Lowe revealed his idea of a fantasy: waiting until marriage." Oh. "The women didn't see it coming. They were disappointed." Hopefully, producers provided them with vibrators or something. "He had some pretty intense makeout sessions." A virgin who only ever wants to make out? Sounds like Taylor Swift has finally found her future husband.
Justin Bieber Cheated on Selena Gomez a Lot: "HIGH ON DRUGS, TEEN STAR JUSTIN BIEBER CHEATED ON SELENA GOMEZ WITH A SEXY STRANGER." Just before the holidays, Bieb had a "drug-fueled hookup with another girl." The drug was mostly weed, and the girl was voluptuous 22-year-old L.A. nursing student Mimi Jenson. They were introduced by Lil' Twist, and went to a weed store in Hollywood, a McDonald's, and then back to the hotel. There they "did a lot more than eat." I bet they got a hundred-piece McNuggets. They also "smoked pot and used a baby bottle to measure out the ingredients for sizzurp, the street cocktail made famous by Three 6 Mafia and Ke$ha." Mull that sentence, please.
SXSW rejects The Canyons, following suit with Sundance. Just in case it wasn’t clear enough that they didn’t like the film, an “insider” opined that “it’s got an ugliness and deadness to it.” Hey. At least we got this out of the deal. It’s like Argo! Fake movies made exclusively for the purpose of begetting other, greater things! And everyone was held hostage by Lindsay Lohan! I could keep going! Actually, no, I couldn’t.
Lindsay Lohan Is a High-Paid Escort: According to her father, Michael Lohan, Lindsay "is getting paid to date rich men. Dina is pimpin her out. It's disgusting." A second source confirms the story. "The dates last for days, and the guys pay for everything — hotel, travel costs, food, whatever — as well as jewelry and other gifts." While she might just be receiving a fee to act as "arm candy for wealthy men who like to be seen with beautiful and famous women." Clients include Prince Haji Abdul Azim, third in line to the throne of Brunei, and Spanish-American painter Domingo Zapata.
"Domingo let Lindsay live in his penthouse at the Bowery Hotel in NYC for free and at his L.A. pad at Chateau Marmont." Zapata rescinded his kindness after Lohan's hit-and-run incident in September. "He said that Lindsay kept taking, taking, taking and asking for more — cars, dinners, clothes, everything." Lohan is now hanging out with "Vikram Chatwal a.k.a. The Turban Cowboy, who owns a chain of luxury hotels." Is that a self-appointed nickname? Michael Lohan says "Dina is exploiting Lindsay because she's broke too and gets 20 percent of everything Lindsay makes." Michael Lohan is not the most reputable source, though. A friend of Lindsay's says her escort work is "no big deal" because Lohan is "totally broke and in serious debt, and no one will hire her." Plus Lindsay thinks of it as a kind of method research for some future role. "Being an escort is just an easy way for her to stay above water. [Lindsay] says she's an actress and won't turn down getting paid good money to act a certain way!"
Bethenny Frankel & Jason Hoppy's Split: Lunching with a friend in New York, Frankel and a friend "shared a plate of octopus, spaghetti, and a solemn conversation." How does one share a plate of octopus? Four tentacles each? Bethenny "wasn't smiling or laughing. She looked serious." Not to mention, her wedding ring was off. "So much for Frankel's happily ever after." Hoppy is still wearing his wedding band, and "feels used — like she just wanted him for a baby." He plans to fight her over custody of their daughter in court. Despite constant fights, Hoppy "was hoping she was just going through a phase." Friends claim he is wearing his ring as a plot to garner public sympathy. "It's definitely an image thing. He knows he's getting photographed. He's a smart guy." Frankel wants him to move out ASAP but he has been taking his time. "He's just not sure where he wants to go." Hoppy is angry, and "feels like he gave up his career for her. He basically stopped working to support her and wants to be compensated for it."
The couple got together in 2008 after meeting at a New York club. Sources say Frankel's no-holds-barred ambition is to blame for the union's downfall. "She got obsessive about her career." Bethenny's empire of Skinnygirl products had netted her at least a hundred million, but she still wants more. She also apparently "has high expectations that no man could ever live up to." With a new talk show rolling out soon expect to hear plenty more about the split, and possibly for it to get ugly.
Nothing says Christmas like slaves and whores! Anne Hathaway and Samuel L. Jackson enter the ring for a very NSFW Sad-Off over cocoa and gingerbread while they deck the halls. If you’re still at work, now might be a good time to lug your desktop into the bathroom and plug it in under the sink, because I think this ISFP (is safe for potty). How can you top the sad factor of Les Mis, “the miserable”? Well, slavery’s a good place to start. Plus, the star of Jackson’s movie "had his own sitcom on the WB.” And Hathaway was only a Disney princess because she had long hair; in Les Mis all of that gets chopped off “with a knife” (but Jackson “hasn’t had hair since Unbreakable”). Hathaway might not be able to handle being a black man in the South in the 1800s (or ever), but “When there’s a French whore in the White House, then we can talk.” Then again, though Fantine loses her job, “everybody in [Jackson’s] film has job security, because they’re slaves.” Jackson illustrates this with marshmallows and licorice. Oh, so now it’s a slave house? If Hathaway had known, she “would have made whore town.” Someone, quick, throw together a movie featuring slaves with tuberculosis shaving cancer-stricken puppies, hoping to sell the fur to buy instant oatmeal for their families! The Sad-Off championship title can be yours!
Demi Moore Out Of Control in Miami: "Dancing wildly and downing Red Bull after Red Bull at 1:30 A.M., Demi Moore — wearing a thigh-baring romper and black glasses — made quite a spectacle of herself in Miami Beach." There for Art Basel, the "50-year-old mom of three grinded against fellow reveler Stacy Keibler, 33, as Lenny Kravitz, 48, looked on." How come nobody's calling nearly 50-year-old father Kravitz "out of control" for still going out and partying? Oh right, he's not a woman. Then again, Demi did just get out of rehab, so the age-shaming can be also be played off as genuine concern for her health. "Demi partying was really something else. Lenny was rolling his eyes." Moore's boy-toy Vito Schnabel, 26, "was keeping a safe distance from the self-proclaimed puma." He tried to ditch her, but "she won't let it go. He told her to leave him alone, but she went to Miami anyway." I would totally watch this if it were a movie, but the reality is pretty hard to take. "Demi is insecure about getting older." OH YOU THINK? "That's why she hangs out with so many young people." A friend defends her by saying, "She was having fun." She looks like she was having fun twerking like an awkward white lady. Before Schnabel, she hooked up with Hard Rock Hotel heir Harry Morton, who dated Lindsay Lohan. Moore's daughters were in Miami to party, but they have exiled their mom. "They're not talking. She and Scout haven't spoken in a long time." This is very sad. Actresses get punished for getting older but mocked for acting young. Demi Moore obviously has a lot of problems, but shaming her isn't gonna help.
Kate Middleton Is Pregnant: "Royal-watchers all around the globe had been on tenterhooks for months." THAT SOUNDS UNCOMFORTABLE. "At long last, Will and Kate are expecting a little prince or princess!" While they were hoping to keep the story under wraps until Kate was 12 weeks along, and release the news on Christmas Day, it came out early when Middleton was admitted to a hospital for morning sickness. Nevertheless, "William and Kate are elated." They started trying in September, "once their Malaria medication has run its course" after their "royal tour of Southeast Asia." The holy "VIP baby leapfrogs Harry to become third in line for the throne behind William and his father." A nursery "is in the early stages" as the couple continue with their move into Kensington Palace. Get ready to hear all about the future royal baby for months from weirdo superfans.