You know the poster for Grudge Matchwith Robert De Niro and Sylvester Stallone that's plastered all over the place right now? It shows the two grizzled screen veterans locked in an eternal punch, the fantasy matchup between Rocky Balboa and Raging Bull that everyone's been clamoring for all this time? Now, using your mind, Photoshop Lindsay Lohan's and Paris Hilton's faces over De Niro's and Sly's. The latest chapter of another blood feud old as time (2005) involves Paris, Lindsay, and Paris's little brother Barron Hilton in a classic case of he emoji'd, she emoji'd.
Lindsay and Paris were both at Art Basel in Miami, following the party trail of rich kids, artists, and rich kids who fancy themselves artists. Naturally they were at the same house party in a rented Florida mansion, when Barron Hilton was accused by a partygoer of continuing the proud Hilton family tradition of talking shit about Lindsay Lohan. Shortly thereafter, Hilton found himself on the receiving end of a moderate beatdown that left him with cuts on his face, which he uploaded to Instagram so that it could be decided in the selfie court of public opinion.
Kimye to Wed at Versailles: "Leave it to the self-proclaimed genius to have a gilded ace up his sleeve. Nothing less than France's famed Palace of Versailles will do for his spring vows to Kardashian, 33." This makes so much sense. "Kanye has never been married and wants a big one. It will be over-the-top crazy." But leave the guillotines at home, please. "They are not working with a budget. He says this is his moment, marrying his ideal woman." Can't you already hear Kanye screaming "THIS WAS SUPPOSED TO BE MY SPECIAL DAY" when the wrong rare orchids show up for the table settings? There will also be "fighter jets" flying overhead, as promised by Kanye repeatedly. And fireworks too, of course. I mean they'll still probably make better use of Versailles than Sofia Coppola did.
It appears Lindsay Lohan finds a similarity between herself and one or more blondes portrayed in Grand Theft Auto V. TMZ writes that LiLo is taking legal action over parts of the game that she feels appropriate her persona — quests like helping a starlet escape the paparazzi and photographing another starlet having sex at the Chateau Marmont. GTA V made $1 billion within its first three days in stores; I like to imagine that Lohan has a crack team of lawyers always watching out for opportunities like this.
Kerry Washington Is Pregnant: "For the past several months, the Scandal It girl, 36, has been relying on a seamstress to help her conceal a huge secret: Multiple sources tell Us she and NFL Pro husband Nnamdi Asomugha are expecting!" A friend says Kerry is "about four months along," and just like her secret engagement and wedding, she has no plans to publicize the pregnancy. How will Scandal deal with the pregnancy? Either by writing it in or choosing to "just work around it."
It is currently 83 degrees in New York, 450 degrees in Los Angeles, and 800 in many parts of the Midwest. It's either too hot to breathe or about to thunderstorm until Tuesday. I can't think of a better place to be this weekend than in a cold movie theater with a bunch of strangers, alongside of whom you can revel in hate-watching one of the worst-reviewed movies in recent memory, Getaway. Yesterday The Wrap reported that the Ethan Hawke–Selena Gomez flick might be a rare dud, one that hangs onto its perfect 0 percent Rotten Tomatoes score, but then some kindhearted soul praised Ethan Hawke's performance (in contrast to Gomez's alternating "petulance and indifference") and Getaway can now boast a 2 percent rating with 87 reviews. Here's Peter Travers dropping the mic: "Selena Gomez, looking like a Munchkin in a hoodie [Editor's note: like a GIRL in a Hoodie? I thought so. Join us, Selena], tries to steal the car at gunpoint. Why? Because the dumbass script told her to. Why does she keep calling Brent and everyone else in the movie an asshole? Because she's right. For 89 minutes that feel like 89 hours, cars speed out of control and crash doing only PG-13 damage. The damage to your brain while watching it is incalculable."
Today on Girls in Hoodies we kick things off by attempting to explain/pick apart Grantland's not-at-all-controversial Best Songs of the Millennium bracket. (We would appreciate any and all votes for our theme song, "Scary Monsters and Nice Sprites," currently languishing against "Call Me Maybe.") Molly and Emily recap their Taylor Swift adventure at Staples Center, and we all admit that the new Lady Gaga video is pretty awesome. Finally, we save the most depressing for last with a few thoughts on the Lindsay Lohan–Oprah interview. Check out an excerpt from the pod and stream or download it after the break:
Like a lot of the best child actors, Lindsay Lohan seemed preternaturally adult as a kid. In interviews she was articulate, and on camera she knew exactly where her light was. This kind of youthful precociousness, so celebrated in child actors, does not always age well. Transitioning from a career as a child actor into one as an adult is like going from silents to talkies, or TV to film; most people won't survive the jump. For females the penalties are especially cruel, as the countdown clock for underage actresses to hit 18 is accompanied by the expectation that they better turn out hot, or else.
Lindsay always seemed like a blowsy older woman in a younger woman's body. In retrospect she probably constructed her idea of womanhood from the example set forth by Dina Lohan, whose most defining characteristic is that she lied about being a Rockette. All smart children believe that adults are their peers, but finding out that cross-generational friendships can extend into exploitation is something you learn from experience. Dina's dead dreams of being a famous showgirl were realized through her daughter, and Lindsay turned out not only hot, but stacked. As if overnight, she was on the cover of Rolling Stone showing off her new assets. Like many teen idols before her, she no longer wanted to be seen as childlike or innocent. Barely legal and world-famous, she aggressively pursued her new sex-symbol status.
After the bonanza of behind-the-scenes train wrecks that was The Canyons, you'd think that, at least in the immediate aftermath, we wouldn't be able to rely on Lindsay Lohan for much more action. But like MJ against the Blazers in '92, Lohan can't miss right now. So feast your eyes on this latest bit of WTF. After Lindsay posted an Instagram selfie with the caption "#back@work! So grateful today! : )," E! did some snooping and found that said work meant a cameo on Eastbound & Down. That's right: Lindsay Lohan's riding with Kenny Powers.
In a 2005 interview with Venice, Paul Schrader discussed cementing his legacy with just his second produced screenplay. “People have actually said to me 'It must be terrible when one of your first scripts becomes a classic. How do you live up to that?’" said Schrader — who’d enjoy a long and healthy career both writing (Raging Bull, The Last Temptation of Christ) and directing (American Gigolo,Affliction). "And my response to that is, 'Don’t you understand that it’s a wonderful film?' … I know full well that in my obituary, the first line will mention Taxi Driver, unless I kill the president or something." Well, OK, no, he didn’t go Travis Bickle on anyone — but it still might be time to update that obituary.
As you've certainly already heard, The Canyons — Schrader’s bizarro team-up with Bret Easton Ellis — is not a very good movie. But, thanks to porn star James Deen and the specter of Lindsay Lohan and that infamous New York Times piece on the movie’s unbelievably verkakte production, it's certainly something. We might not like it. But we won't forget it. Earlier this week, Grantland talked to Schrader about his odd, late-breaking legacy wrinkle.
Right off the bat, no, The Canyons is not a very good movie. But it has some great moments that make it worth watching, and it looks mostly gorgeous for a movie costing $250,000. Yes, it's impossible to look away from Lindsay Lohan in her scenes. She serves up a Norma Desmond vibe that draws you all the way in and then chokes you out. The opening sequence is fantastic on its own merits, a montage of shots of dead movie theaters that announces The Canyons as a digital eulogy for the act of going to the movies. It's meant to be the antithesis of the clean and sterile ArcLight luxury moviegoing experience. The Canyons wants to bring back the soda stickiness of the floors, the balding patches in the crushed red velvet on the movie theater seats, the tactile grossness of commingling with the masses in pursuit of entertainment, but from the comfort of your own disgusting home (i.e., your mind).
Simon Cowell Knocks Up His Best Friend's Wife: Cowell, 53, once said "God, no, I couldn't have children. With kids, you've got a routine you can't escape from." Looks like he had an accidental change of heart/affair with his best friend's wife! Cowell is unexpectedly "expecting a baby with NYC socialite Lauren Silverman! She's 10 weeks along." Trickily enough, the 36-year-old mom-to-be is "still married to Cowell's close friend, NYC real estate mogul Andrew Silverman — but plans to leave him to be with the Brit." Good luck with that.
Lindsay Lohan has announced her first post-rehab plans. She'll be doing an eight-part inspirational docu-reality series for Oprah on OWN! It'll only cost Oprah's fledgling network a paltry two million dollars, from a deal Lohan signed while still in rehab. After a rocky start, OWN just had its best quarter ever, having settled comfortably into its niche: tear-jerking interviews with troubled celebs like Lohan and Rihanna, documentaries about unfair media portrayals of women like Miss Representation and Dark Girls, and two shows from Tyler Perry (one comedy, one drama).
By comparison, Lohan got paid $300,000 for Liz & Dick, $200,000 for Scary Movie V, a million dollars for Playboy, and did The Canyons for scale ($6,480).
Silver: A wise Muppet once said, “Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering.” And although I don’t want my cinematic opinions of Oldboy to travel down this perilous path, I can’t help but be fearful of this film. Sparing you the lengthy background, Oldboy is a twisty, uber-violent, and brilliantly constructed 2003 film directed by Chan-wook Park. And a piece that’s only grown more appreciated over time.
So in the grand tradition of Hollywood appropriating every piece of quality content for an American audience, an English language remake was inevitable. But for every Infernal Affairs to The Departed, Let the Right One In to Let Me In, or even Seven Samurai to The Magnificent Seven, there are far more examples of failed conversions.
One of Linsday Lohan's Dealers Tells All: After Lohan's Piers Morgan appearance "where she told the host that she has done cocaine maybe four or five times in my life" and that she's "never been a huge drinker," a man named David Joseph comes forth to debunk her lies. "I saw her take a bump more than that when she tested out my deliveries. It is another example of how much denial she is in." DJ, "as he is known in the drug-dealing world" that shadows Hollywood, admits he is "the last guy to have a conscience," but he wanted to set the record straight. He started selling to Lohan in 2009. "He'd get a text message with an address in Beverly Hills or a suite number at the Chateau Marmont, Hollywood Roosevelt or W Hotel. Her rooms were usually in a real state. There were room-service trays dumped everywhere, with plates on floors and furniture. Clothes would be scattered. There were often champagne and vodka bottles around, and someone was usually smoking weed. All the ashtrays were full of cigarette butts. Ninety percent of the time, Linsday would be drunk, says DJ, vodka her drink of choice." Damn, DJ. "Lindsay ordered blow and pills. Her favorite was Molly, MDMA, which was the extrapure pharmaceutical ecstasy. Lindsay always liked that before she went out to a club." Love you too, Lindsay.
"DJ estimates that despite her widely reported money issues, Lindsay spent at least $10,000 to $15,000 on drugs during the time he dealt to her, noting that the narcotics were not only for her but also for her ever-present crew. The texts would only stop in the rare instance Lindsay booked a job - or, more likely, landed in rehab or jail. As DJ watched Lindsay spiral out of control, he could envision the inevitable unhappy ending, causing him to start responding 'wrong number' to texts from his jonesing client. Lindsay wasn't monitoring what she was taking, and there were lots of enablers around, so I had to walk away. I feared she would do a line of coke after some pills and then be dead." Aren't you a drug dealer, though? "DJ's fears were not unfounded. The last time the world heard from him was in February 2012, when he revealed that he had sold cocaine to Whitney Houston hours prior to her death." Oh. "I had dealt to her, but it was actually the prescription meds that caused Whitney's death, and I worried Lindsay would go down the same path. I knew there was no return from where she was going and I had no control over what other drugs she was using. I am not in the business of helping people kill themselves." Jesus H. Christ. "DJ doubts the starlet will change her ways." I don't know if DJ is real or not, but this is so dark.