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GRADING THE CHARTS

Grading the Top 10 Country Songs in … CANADA!

By Molly Lambert at

1. Jake Owen, "The One That Got Away"

Jake Owen brings John Mellencamp-style heartland rock to Cocoa Beach, Florida. This video had a Proustian meta-effect, where the more times I watched it, the more nostalgic I felt for the first time I watched it an hour ago.

Grade: B

Best YouTube Comment: "this song is so sad I felt this way once" — dariandozier

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GRADING THE CHARTS

Grading the Good Old American Country Music Charts

By Molly Lambert at

1. Luke Bryan, "Drunk on You"

This is the second part of a narrative that began in Luke Bryan's "I Don't Want This Night to End." After the titular night ended, Bryan went back on tour buzzed on longing and left tickets in every town for the mysterious sexy drifter girl, who has so far never shown up to claim them (UNTIL NOW). This is brilliant because it includes flashbacks to the last video, thereby making us nostalgic for that time we listened to that other Luke Bryan song. Plus the phrase "pour a little Crown in a Dixie cup" is perfect and fun to say. The romance of that one ideal night they spent tailgating under a full moon together is amplified into some mythical feeling that any real girl would find hard to live up to. Even the girl that makes your speakers go boom boom and gets you high on summertime.

Grade: B

Best YouTube Comment: "GOD Bless america luke is my solution to a lot of things in life he might be better than sex who knows haha" — phsycopathichomie

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SONGS OF THE WEEK

Grading The Week's Top Country Songs

By Molly Lambert at
Dierks Bentley
Ethan Miller/Getty Images

There are multiple Americas and in at least one of them nobody cares about Watch The Throne, techno music, or pop stars whose breasts ejaculate fireworks and/or whipped cream. I'm talking about the "real" America, where the beer tastes like water, the water tastes like chemicals from the old mill, and banjos are a rock instrument. These are the Top Ten songs from Billboard's country chart. Love, pain, and partying.

1. Zac Brown Band feat. Jimmy Buffett, "Knee Deep"
Does it never occur to the makers of songs about tropical escapism that it is completely possible to be bummed out at the beach? Featuring Jimmy Buffett, the king of tropical escapism, this song is hilariously manic-depressive, veering between aggressive optimism and brutal melancholy, just like somebody on rum drinks! Grade: B

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