Whatever doesn't deafen you makes you stronger: Grantland's Jay Caspian Kang, Mark Lisanti, and Emily Yoshida have returned, bowed but not broken, to tackle another season of American Idol. Their journey is now at an end, a winner has been crowned, the confetti has fallen — but the biggest questions of all are still on the horizon.
One
Did the correct person win?
Kang: Is this even a question? Kree seems like a nice girl and all, but she shouldn’t have even made the final 12. There are 1,500 ways to sing country — you don’t even really need functional vocal chords (R.I.P. Townes Van Zandt) — but what you can’t do is pout during happy songs and fart around when it’s time to connect with the audience. That’s what Kree did week after week and if she had won, I might have actually made good on my annual threat to never watch this show again. As it turned out, the right girl won and I’m excited to return next season with four all-new judges!
Whatever doesn't deafen you makes you stronger: Grantland's Jay Caspian Kang, Mark Lisanti, and Emily Yoshida have returned, bowed but not broken, to tackle another season of American Idol. With a potential top-to-bottom shakeup on the horizon, are these the last days of Idol as we know it?
One
Who gave the best performance of the night?
Kang: They all seemed nervous last night, didn’t they? Angie sounded shrill for the first time this season (although I suppose the strain of giving two hours of live performances, recording five Ford commercials, and doing whatever other silly crap they put the singers through might be catching up with the vocal cords) and Kree looked about as happy as my cat does when I pick her up and scream “Who’s a cutie? Who’s a cutie?” in her face. Candice kept up her boring march toward the finale, so I guess I would rate her “Somewhere” as the best performance of the night because it didn’t make me want to shove crayons up my nose.
I've never been in one of these meetings, but one has to assume this is how it goes down:
Ideas Meeting
Idea Haver: OK, so here's my idea. This new song we have on our hands, it's great, but I want to make sure it gets big. You know, VIRAL. Like the Gangnam Styles. So here's what we're going to do:
PUT. HASHTAGS. EVERYWHERE.
And I mean everywhere. Tweets, commercials, T-shirts, music videos, song titles, album names, anything we can. If we do it, and completely overwhelm the public with this plan, we can't fail. Like the Gangnam Styles. OK, LET'S DO IT.
Whatever doesn't deafen you makes you stronger: Grantland's Jay Caspian Kang, Mark Lisanti, and Emily Yoshida have returned, bowed but not broken, to tackle another season of American Idol. Only four contestants remain. (Again.) But the end is in sight.
One
It must be asked: Is this the worst season of American Idol ever?
Kang: It sure feels like it! Which is strange, because there are two contestants with clear talent (Candice and Angie), a wackadoo judge (Nicki Minaj), and Mariah Carey (Mariah Carey) being weird. So why has this season, which started off so promisingly, slowed down to a death march? Here are three theories.
Whatever doesn't deafen you makes you stronger: Grantland's Jay Caspian Kang, Mark Lisanti, and Emily Yoshida have returned, bowed but not broken, to tackle another season of American Idol. They don't think they can make it, and with the judging panel in crisis, they may never have that recipe again.
One
Is there any way Angie doesn't win this? She got not one but two "In It to Win It"s from Randy Jackson last night.
Yoshida: Hey, Mark. While I won’t say that getting an “In It to Win It” from Randy is NOT a meaningful thing, I’d like to also point out that Randy whipped out a new catchphrase last night, and Angie was not at the receiving end of it. “Ten out of 10 out of 10.” Think about that for a second. No, really. Try to picture it in your mind.
In what is easily the most exciting development in an otherwise buzz-bereft cycle of American Idol since intergalactic chauffeur Nicki Minaj somehow managed to yawn a rainbow of magical butterflies during an underwhelming rendition of Adele's "Someone Like You," the Hollywood Reporter last night dropped a 10-megaton karaoke bombshell: The show's producers had concocted a bold but aborted plan to discard soporific diva Mariah Carey, in-season, and restore shiny judging goddess Jennifer Lopez to her rightful place on the panel. The shake-up scheme was quickly abandoned when Carey's lawyers threatened to rain hellfire down upon all who would dare threaten Mariah's contractual right to babble something positive toward the stage when awakened by a mild electrical shock from her Coca Cola cup, but THR's sources maintain that the search is already on for her eventual replacement, and, possibly, for the entire judging roster.
Whatever doesn't deafen you makes you stronger: Grantland's Jay Caspian Kang, Mark Lisanti, and Emily Yoshida have returned, bowed but not broken, to tackle another season of American Idol. This week: More positivity! And more Mariah!
One
Candice's "Lovesong": One of the greatest Idol performances of all time, or do people have short memories and just love to declare things the best ever?
Whatever doesn't deafen you makes you stronger: Grantland's Jay Caspian Kang, Mark Lisanti, and Emily Yoshida have returned, bowed but not broken, to tackle another season of American Idol. Only seven contestants remain. Things are getting real.
One
We’re down to the Top 7, and usually at this point there’s at least one or two contestants who are primarily rock singers. This season none of them are, and they decided to go ahead and do Rock Night anyway. Is Nigel Lythgoe even watching his own show anymore, or has he switched to The Voice like the rest of America?
Whatever doesn't deafen you makes you stronger: Grantland's Jay Caspian Kang, Mark Lisanti, and Emily Yoshida have returned, bowed but not broken, to tackle another season of American Idol. There are eight contestants and three recappers left. These numbers will change.
One
So, we didn’t get Motown Week this season. We got “Detroit Week.” Which was basically Motown Week with a really bad Madonna duet thrown in for good measure. Quick, name one theme that would have been better than this that Idol hasn’t done yet.
Kang: Nick Cave’s Murder Ballad Week. Devin Velez and Angie Miller could have done their version of “Where the Wild Roses Grow.”
Whatever doesn't deafen you makes you stronger: Grantland's Jay Caspian Kang, Mark Lisanti, and Emily Yoshida have returned, bowed but not broken, to tackle another season of American Idol. They're down to nine contestants, and will not rest until there's just one remaining, because that's how it works.
One
It was Beatles Night, because Paul McCartney woke up in a cold sweat, realizing he doesn't have all the money. How do we feel about theme nights? Is this one any better than, say, Elton John Night?
Kang: As a Korean-American, I've seen my fair share of Beatles karaoke, specifically “Yesterday,” which is such a popular standard in nostalgic, weepy Korea that for a while in the early ’90s, every album that was released by the then-nascent Korean music industry had to feature a cover of “Yesterday.” So if anyone can judge Beatles karaoke, it’s me (and maybe Emily, who seems to spend more time than is really healthy in karaoke bars in Koreatown).
Whatever doesn't deafen you makes you stronger: Grantland's Jay Caspian Kang, Mark Lisanti, and Emily Yoshida have returned, bowed but not broken, to tackle another season of American Idol. Well, maybe a little bit broken.
One
How come Nicki has ditched her wigs and wardrobe? She was wearing a hoodie last night, for crying out loud! Has any other judge ever been late to the show and then showed up in sunglasses before chewing gum on camera? Estimate how many fucks Minaj gives at this point of the competition.
Kang: This was Nicki’s critique of Angela “Angie” Miller last night: “Where did you get that dress? Also, it’s awesome that you know how to walk in heels! You’re perfect.” She has completely checked out, probably because she’s realized that THIS IS A SINGING COMPETITION and she can’t entertain herself by trolling America with Zoanette and Charlie Askew anymore.
Whatever doesn't deafen you makes you stronger: Grantland's Jay Caspian Kang, Mark Lisanti, and Emily Yoshida have returned, bowed but not broken, to tackle another season of American Idol. This week: Has the enchantment of an unexpectedly strong season finally worn off?
One
Is the thrill gone?
Kang: The freak show just got sad and I want out now. Throughout this season, we’ve had to defend our love of American Idol, but maybe I’m finally actually crossing over. There’s just a certain cynicism to trotting out Lazaro and Zoanette and Charlie Askew every week and asking us to burn out all our goodwill in their “stories.”
Whatever doesn't deafen you makes you stronger: Grantland's Jay Caspian Kang, Mark Lisanti, and Emily Yoshida have returned, bowed but not broken, to tackle another season of American Idol. They're in it to win it this time, at least until the tweens swoop in to break their spirit.
One
Why is "Somebody That I Used to Know" the Song of Death? Did it move itself into the instant retirement category in a single evening?
Yoshida: Everyone thinks they want to sing the Gotye song. Everyone thinks they can sing the Gotye song. After all, it’s got that really big chorus that fun and recognizable, and it’s on an indie label which means that the guy who sang it originally can’t have been that talented. Like, certainly no Keith Urban. So it should be easy to get the coveted “I liked that even better than the original” comment, right?
Whatever doesn't deafen you makes you stronger: Grantland's Jay Caspian Kang, Mark Lisanti, and Emily Yoshida have returned, bowed but not broken, to tackle another season of American Idol. It's been good so far! They're as surprised as anybody!
One
Do we have any theories about why this season is so good so far? It's really good, isn't it? We were ready to be pulling out our hair by now. When was the last season that was this promising?
Whatever doesn't deafen you makes you stronger: Grantland's Jay Caspian Kang, Mark Lisanti, and Emily Yoshida have returned, bowed but not broken, to tackle another season of American Idol. Join them on their journey, they'll need fresh meat when things go in a cannibal direction.
One
Is Nicki Minaj the best non-Simon judge the show's ever had? As a reminder, the following other individuals have been full-time judges: Randy Jackson (12 seasons), Paula Abdul (8), Kara DioGuardi (2), Ellen DeGeneres (1), Jennifer "Jen-Lop" Lopez (2), a horny microphone stand draped in silk scarves (2), Mariah Carey (1), and Keith Urban (1).
Kang: My mother called last night to talk about how much she enjoyed this Nicki Manga character and all her wack-a-doo expressions, confectionary wigs, and spontaneous accents. She also praised Minaj’s “good heart,” and the backbone Nicki displayed when she walked off the stage because Randy and Mariah wouldn’t stop shooing that poor “soulful country” girl back to her trailer park because Lord knows it ain’t decent for a nice white girl from the South to sing about anything but her boyfriend’s truck, her father’s drinking problem, and the poor girl from across the tracks who later turned into a serial arsonist.
