Miranda Lambert & Blake Shelton: Splitting up is not on the table for the country supercouple. Lambert says she's questioned whether her marriage to Shelton will last "a million" times. "Divorce is not an option," Lambert said. "I will fight to the death. I am a ninja." That seems like a weird thing to say about your relationship. In order to keep communication open, Lambert and Shelton "are allowed to snoop through each other's phones." Has she never heard of a burner? They never spend longer than two weeks away from each other. "We text a lot. Even if it's just sending a picture of the onion rings we're eating!" OK, that seems less weird. They bond at home, "hang out on the porch, drink beer and cook burgers." Lambert says "I think it's important as a married couple to be friends." This all feels strangely defensive. I'm rooting for Lambert (how could I not be?), so I hope things work out.
Taylor Swift and John Mayer: "Every guy in Hollywood knows the drill: Cross Taylor Swift and end up with a song about you." Drill Taylor Swift, and risk ending up with a whole album's worth of songs about you. And so John Mayer steps up to defend himself against Swift's "Dear John." He says "It made me feel terrible. Because I didn't deserve it." Get that? He didn't feel terrible because she struck a chord with her lyrics about how he's "an expert at sorry and keeping lines blurry." A "blindsided" Mayer snipes, "it was a really lousy thing for her to do." Funny how he who dishes it out the loudest ("sexual napalm") can't take it for even a second. "It really humiliated me at a time when I'd already been dressed down. I mean, how would you feel if, at the lowest you've ever been, someone kicked you even lower?" I don't know, how would I feel if somebody said they had a "Benetton heart and a fuckin' David Duke cock"? A friend of Swift's says "He played her and now he's claiming he got played? What a loser." Mayer's sources claim Mayer had "thwarted" Swift's advances because "she was too young" and he "didn't feel comfortable going there." Swift's friends tell a different fairy tale. "John was a player and treated her like shit. She felt like he looked at her as a conquest." Mayer's new roots-rock album Born and Raised debuted at no. 1, while Swift recently had a Valentine's Day "pathetic single girls" party. Sure seems like Mayer and Swift are destined for some Rhett Butler and Scarlett O'Hara realness.