There’s no way Kim Kardashian shouldn’t be on the cover of Vogue. She’s like the most intriguing woman right now. She’s got Barbara Walters calling her like everyday … and collectively we’re the most influential with clothing. No one is looking at what [President] Obama is wearing. Michelle Obama cannot Instagram a [bikini] pic like what my girl Instagrammed the other day … so it’s to say when we are there and [editor-in-chief of French Vogue] Carine Roitfeld supports my girl, that’s a breakthrough … there’s a wall of classism that we are breaking through.”
I can only imagine this is what Michelle Obama had to say in response.
I'm sorry. There's no way any of us could have predicted this.
Blessed with two parents, you've been lucky. One is the president of the United States. And the other is a woman who, when placed alongside said president, occasionally renders him invisible.
You've been lucky so far.
At some point during his first term, it became very clear your father was not as cool as we all thought. Behind a lectern, yes, he is the G.O.A.T. But give him the freedom to throw on some mom jeans or listen to a Casio keyboard "hip-hop" beat and the illusion rapidly wanes.
If there was a final chapter to the story, why couldn't it be in Tampa?
Nothing leading up to my walk inside the Florida State Fairgrounds was planned. I hadn't planned to be in Tampa that Saturday evening, I hadn't planned on staying in a hotel across the street from a Brad Paisley concert, and I most certainly hadn't planned on purchasing tickets to said Brad Paisley concert.
But it all came true. And I had no choice but to hold up my end of the deal: attending this Brad Paisley concert.
It was my third week on the road alone, so the idea of attending a concert solo wasn't an issue. Neither was the idea of going to my first country music concert. Or having a night out on the town, again alone, in Tampa.
The convergence of the three, however, wasn't exactly the most thrilling idea. But it was happening, because as these thoughts entered my head, I was already halfway to the venue.
After a few minutes of walking, I began to see the tailgates. And hear the conversations. And then I looked down.
Obviously, you should not hitchhike unless you really have no other choice. It's also wise, in general, to avoid killing someone with a hatchet. But if you HAVE to hitchhike, and you HAVE to kill someone with a hatchet, you really should do it just like this. Homeless hitchhiker Kai Has-No-Last-Name ("No, bro, I don't have anything"), of indeterminate age ("I can't call it"), is maybe the only person who has ever been a hero in a story involving thumbing a ride and blunt force trauma.
Jimmy Kimmel talks about a night at the White House in which Michelle Obama yelled at his son, Cousin Sal pushed his agent into the Rose Garden, and other antics went down all under the watch of Secret Service men holding machine guns.