Whatever doesn't deafen you makes you stronger: Grantland's Jay Caspian Kang, Mark Lisanti, and Emily Yoshida have returned, bowed but not broken, to tackle another season of American Idol. With a potential top-to-bottom shakeup on the horizon, are these the last days of Idol as we know it?
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Who gave the best performance of the night?
Kang: They all seemed nervous last night, didn’t they? Angie sounded shrill for the first time this season (although I suppose the strain of giving two hours of live performances, recording five Ford commercials, and doing whatever other silly crap they put the singers through might be catching up with the vocal cords) and Kree looked about as happy as my cat does when I pick her up and scream “Who’s a cutie? Who’s a cutie?” in her face. Candice kept up her boring march toward the finale, so I guess I would rate her “Somewhere” as the best performance of the night because it didn’t make me want to shove crayons up my nose.
Whatever doesn't deafen you makes you stronger: Grantland's Jay Caspian Kang, Mark Lisanti, and Emily Yoshida have returned, bowed but not broken, to tackle another season of American Idol. Only four contestants remain. (Again.) But the end is in sight.
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It must be asked: Is this the worst season of American Idol ever?
Kang: It sure feels like it! Which is strange, because there are two contestants with clear talent (Candice and Angie), a wackadoo judge (Nicki Minaj), and Mariah Carey (Mariah Carey) being weird. So why has this season, which started off so promisingly, slowed down to a death march? Here are three theories.
The 15 new episodes of Arrested Development drop on May 26, but here's a new two-minute clip to tide you over. It's good to see that Lucille is as nurturing as ever, lovingly feeding Buster her secondhand smoke so he can carry it over to the window and set it free. Operation Hot Mother, commence.
In what is easily the most exciting development in an otherwise buzz-bereft cycle of American Idol since intergalactic chauffeur Nicki Minaj somehow managed to yawn a rainbow of magical butterflies during an underwhelming rendition of Adele's "Someone Like You," the Hollywood Reporter last night dropped a 10-megaton karaoke bombshell: The show's producers had concocted a bold but aborted plan to discard soporific diva Mariah Carey, in-season, and restore shiny judging goddess Jennifer Lopez to her rightful place on the panel. The shake-up scheme was quickly abandoned when Carey's lawyers threatened to rain hellfire down upon all who would dare threaten Mariah's contractual right to babble something positive toward the stage when awakened by a mild electrical shock from her Coca Cola cup, but THR's sources maintain that the search is already on for her eventual replacement, and, possibly, for the entire judging roster.
Whatever doesn't deafen you makes you stronger: Grantland's Jay Caspian Kang, Mark Lisanti, and Emily Yoshida have returned, bowed but not broken, to tackle another season of American Idol. The boys are all gone, dead. Long live the girls.
One
Is Janelle doomed tomorrow?
Kang: At the start of the show, Janelle was my favorite to win it all and I still stand by my logic: She’s an attractive-but-not-threateningly-attractive girl with a good-but-not-silly-good voice who sings country without a hint of pretense. I imagined her all spangled up during glam weeks, à la Carrie Underwood singing “Alone” in Season 4, or stomping around with pigtails and screeching out the chorus to Martina McBride’s “Independence Day.” I imagined America slowly falling for this innocent girl who radiates good health and an IQ hovering right about (or slightly below) the national average.
Whatever doesn't deafen you makes you stronger: Grantland's Jay Caspian Kang, Mark Lisanti, and Emily Yoshida have returned, bowed but not broken, to tackle another season of American Idol. Only seven contestants remain. Things are getting real.
One
We’re down to the Top 7, and usually at this point there’s at least one or two contestants who are primarily rock singers. This season none of them are, and they decided to go ahead and do Rock Night anyway. Is Nigel Lythgoe even watching his own show anymore, or has he switched to The Voice like the rest of America?
Whatever doesn't deafen you makes you stronger: Grantland's Jay Caspian Kang, Mark Lisanti, and Emily Yoshida have returned, bowed but not broken, to tackle another season of American Idol. There are eight contestants and three recappers left. These numbers will change.
One
So, we didn’t get Motown Week this season. We got “Detroit Week.” Which was basically Motown Week with a really bad Madonna duet thrown in for good measure. Quick, name one theme that would have been better than this that Idol hasn’t done yet.
Kang: Nick Cave’s Murder Ballad Week. Devin Velez and Angie Miller could have done their version of “Where the Wild Roses Grow.”
Whatever doesn't deafen you makes you stronger: Grantland's Jay Caspian Kang, Mark Lisanti, and Emily Yoshida have returned, bowed but not broken, to tackle another season of American Idol. They're down to nine contestants, and will not rest until there's just one remaining, because that's how it works.
One
It was Beatles Night, because Paul McCartney woke up in a cold sweat, realizing he doesn't have all the money. How do we feel about theme nights? Is this one any better than, say, Elton John Night?
Kang: As a Korean-American, I've seen my fair share of Beatles karaoke, specifically “Yesterday,” which is such a popular standard in nostalgic, weepy Korea that for a while in the early ’90s, every album that was released by the then-nascent Korean music industry had to feature a cover of “Yesterday.” So if anyone can judge Beatles karaoke, it’s me (and maybe Emily, who seems to spend more time than is really healthy in karaoke bars in Koreatown).
Whatever doesn't deafen you makes you stronger: Grantland's Jay Caspian Kang, Mark Lisanti, and Emily Yoshida have returned, bowed but not broken, to tackle another season of American Idol. Well, maybe a little bit broken.
One
How come Nicki has ditched her wigs and wardrobe? She was wearing a hoodie last night, for crying out loud! Has any other judge ever been late to the show and then showed up in sunglasses before chewing gum on camera? Estimate how many fucks Minaj gives at this point of the competition.
Kang: This was Nicki’s critique of Angela “Angie” Miller last night: “Where did you get that dress? Also, it’s awesome that you know how to walk in heels! You’re perfect.” She has completely checked out, probably because she’s realized that THIS IS A SINGING COMPETITION and she can’t entertain herself by trolling America with Zoanette and Charlie Askew anymore.
Jennifer Lawrence & Prince Harry: "When you're Hollywood's It Girl, strange men become infatuated with you, inhaling your every utterance, typing your name into endless Google image searches. They might be accountants, laborers, lawyers, cashiers — or, in the case of Jennifer Lawrence, the Prince of Wales. That's right, Britain's Prince Harry has a royal crush on the Oscar-winning star of Silver Linings Playbook. After a four-month army hitch in Afghanistan, the rakish redhead, 28, is set to visit the U.S. in May and despite his on/off romance with Brit model Cressida Bonas, scoring a date with J-Law, 22, is at the top of his agenda." The name Cressida Bonas will never stop making me laugh. "Harry has given his flunkies a list of Hollywood hotties he wants to attend" a party he plans to throw. "Harry has a thing for all of them, but Jennifer's his number-one girl right now." Is it because she likes to party on hotel balconies with a blunt? Maybe. "Harry thinks Jennifer is a girl after his own heart — very chill and out for a good time." Everyone thinks that about Lawrence, because duh, that's her appeal. "Could Jennifer pull a Grace Kelly and live out a princess fantasy?" Something tells me she doesn't have princess fantasies, but OK. Harry, who is attracted to "buxom blondes" also has a thing for Kate Upton but would possibly switch to brunettes for Vanessa Hudgens.
Whatever doesn't deafen you makes you stronger: Grantland's Jay Caspian Kang, Mark Lisanti, and Emily Yoshida have returned, bowed but not broken, to tackle another season of American Idol. This week: Has the enchantment of an unexpectedly strong season finally worn off?
One
Is the thrill gone?
Kang: The freak show just got sad and I want out now. Throughout this season, we’ve had to defend our love of American Idol, but maybe I’m finally actually crossing over. There’s just a certain cynicism to trotting out Lazaro and Zoanette and Charlie Askew every week and asking us to burn out all our goodwill in their “stories.”
Whatever doesn't deafen you makes you stronger: Grantland's Jay Caspian Kang, Mark Lisanti, and Emily Yoshida have returned, bowed but not broken, to tackle another season of American Idol. Who can keep riding their pro-Idol high fueled solely by energy harvested from Nicki Minaj's eyelash flutters, and who is one Elton John cover away from launching a full-scale cyberbullying campaign against a certain pasty 17-year-old? Find out as we forge bravely onward into Vegas Week!
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Another round, another format change. Are you feeling this "Sudden Death" business, or does it take some of the anticipation out of the actual live shows?
Kang: Here are the two choices: You can go with last year’s model, where the contestants walk down an impossibly long marble runway into some weird indoor island to cry with J.Lo and Steven Tyler. Or you can go with what we saw this past week, which mostly involved a bunch of freaks on stools. Both formats make for pretty dull, fast-forwardable television, but of the two, I prefer last year’s model because it at least weeded out some of the pretenders without subjecting us to their singing. There were waaaaaaay too many people this week who had absolutely no shot of making it through to the Final 20. Why put everyone through the torture, contestants and audience both? Do we really need to watch a bad drag queen writhe onstage and sing Adele that badly?
Whatever doesn't deafen you makes you stronger: Grantland's Jay Caspian Kang, Mark Lisanti, and Emily Yoshida have returned, bowed but not broken, to tackle another season of American Idol. They're in it to win it this time, at least until the tweens swoop in to break their spirit.
One
Why is "Somebody That I Used to Know" the Song of Death? Did it move itself into the instant retirement category in a single evening?
Yoshida: Everyone thinks they want to sing the Gotye song. Everyone thinks they can sing the Gotye song. After all, it’s got that really big chorus that fun and recognizable, and it’s on an indie label which means that the guy who sang it originally can’t have been that talented. Like, certainly no Keith Urban. So it should be easy to get the coveted “I liked that even better than the original” comment, right?
Whatever doesn't deafen you makes you stronger: Grantland's Jay Caspian Kang, Mark Lisanti, and Emily Yoshida have returned, bowed but not broken, to tackle another season of American Idol. This show is great and will continue to be perfect forever!
One
How are we feeling about things? We've had three more hours of show, with this new alternating boys/girls Hollywood Week format, to either deepen or frustrate our early affections. Did the format tweak accomplish anything? Was there less group drama?
Kang: The new group format accomplished this incredible feat: My confusion over what was happening on the show made my annual ritual of fast-forwarding through Hollywood Week almost impossible.
Whatever doesn't deafen you makes you stronger: Grantland's Jay Caspian Kang, Mark Lisanti, and Emily Yoshida have returned, bowed but not broken, to tackle another season of American Idol. It's been good so far! They're as surprised as anybody!
One
Do we have any theories about why this season is so good so far? It's really good, isn't it? We were ready to be pulling out our hair by now. When was the last season that was this promising?
