1.Paris, Paris Hilton's 2006 debut, and, to date, sole album, is a piece of music that people love to tell you is "not as bad as you think." (The truly bold go so far as to say it's "actually pretty good.") Supporting evidence generally pointed to the finely pedigreed songwriting talent Hilton was able to assemble, namely Dr. Luke, JR Rotem, and executive producer Scott Storch, then at the precipice (but not yet over the cliff) of cocaine-induced financial ruin and cultural irrelevancy. Storch wasn't exactly picky with his projects at the time; that same year, he also did the majority of Brooke Hogan's Undiscovered. But seeing as Paris and Storch dated — in later years, after the Piano Man blew $30 million, Scott's mom would make the fair point that "maybe you should make sure your mother has her retirement taken care of before you buy another $2 million necklace for some hotel heiress" — he might have been feeling particularly invested in Paris. The most effective weapon in the pro-Paris camp's arsenal, though, isn't Storch, but "Stars Are Blind." It was the lead single, it's probably the only song anyone actually remembers from the album, and it happened to be written by a couple of lesser-known names: Sheppard Solomon, Ralph McCarthy, and Fernando Garibay, who in recent years has become a close collaborator of Lady Gaga's.
US Justin Timberlake's Bachelor Party: "Bros, brews and bow ties!" Timberlake celebrated "his final days of singledom" with all his closest dudes. "Clad in ties and fedoras, his crew of 25 pals (and his dad!) hit Las Vegas, where they tossed back drinks poolside." Justin probably brought his dad so that we'd all know this was a clean-cut bachelor party where no hookers would end up buried in the desert by the end. "It was like Boardwalk Empire." So it was kind of boring but looked really nice and probably cost a ton of money? "It was mellow. Intentionally so." They jetted from Vegas to Mexico where they played beach volleyball in T-shirts that said "CASTRATION CELEBRATION!" Sigh … "He didn't want to get in any trouble. Jessica's brother was with them!" Could this be a decoy bachelor party meant to distract from the real bachelor party that will take place soon in a sex dungeon in Amsterdam?
Mitt Romney on Snooki: "I'm kind of a Snooki fan. Look how tiny she's gotten. She's lost weight. She's energetic. Just her spark-plug personality is kind of fun." She's voting for Obama.
Johnny Depp's Broken Heart: "On a recent night at West Hollywood's Sunset Tower Hotel, Depp was uncharacteristically quiet and alone. Johnny looked forlorn. He sat at the bar, nursing his drink, listening to the piano player. He seemed to be lost in his thoughts." His split from Vanessa Paradis was just made official and he has subsequently "turned to women for comfort." His life in the French countryside with partner Paradis was "idyllic" for years. "Johnny would walk to the local cafe, sip an espresso with the men of the village and stroll home. That was his dream." But Paradis found it stifling. "She would always complain that she was bored. She said she felt like an old woman who had given up on life and constantly told him she wanted to live in L.A." While she encouraged him to take the role of Jack Sparrow, she became "resentful" of his long shoots on location. "Vanessa started to feel like she'd sacrificed her career for his." Depp "started to drink heavily." He disappeared constantly to London and New York "rather than be in a dark and brooding mood around the kids. He wouldn't contact Vanessa because he knew she'd give him hell." After the split, Depp started hanging out a lot with Marilyn Manson. He started sleeping with Amber Heard, his co-star in The Rum Diary, despite the fact that she has a serious girlfriend. They bonded over a shared love of Hunter S. Thompson. Paradis responded to Depp's infidelity by screaming, "If I see her, I'll drown her!"
Rembert Browne: The rise of the celebrity DJ is a thing that exists in this world, and if I can be frank, it’s one of the larger scams that exists in an already scam-filled entertainment industry. In spaces across the country (and the world), celebrities are paid big bucks to stand onstage and “DJ,” whatever that even means anymore. As for the rest of us, we’ve been trained to assume, just because they were on a sitcom a decade ago, that they know how to rock a party. Do these feelings stem from a dark but shallow, hater-esque place? Of course, mainly because my dream job is to get paid to inflict my musical tastes on others. But that’s not it. There’s also the fact that the power of celebrity is so strong, we excitedly assume they can do things beyond the scope of their profession simply because they are famous.
Sandra Bullock and Brett Ratner: "Sad for so long," Bullock was "miserable" after her marriage to Jesse James fell apart with a cheating scandal and Ryan Reynolds rebuked her advances in favor of the younger and blonder Blake Lively. But "cuddling with a new male companion at an after-hours party on Oscar night, Sandra Bullock looked happier than she's been in nearly two years." Friends were stoked until they "realized who her mystery man was: Hollywood's sleaziest bad boy, Brett Ratner." Sandra's rep issued an immediate denial, but eyewitnesses say she was "hanging out a lot" with 42-year-old Ratner, "who has crudely bragged about sleeping with a slew of starlets and resigned from his latest job producing the Academy Awards after using an anti-gay slur." Maybe Sandy likes bad boys, but "Brett is a real player. He always talks about meeting girls and partying." Could be he's all talk and shrimp juice, if you listened to what Olivia Munn had to say about their brief casting couch encounter. "She wanted somebody her age or older — a tough guy who could handle her lifestyle, but with enough dating experience that he wouldn't want to cheat on her like Jesse did." She spent Oscar week flirting with Ratner and fellow "notorious player Gerard Butler." She's serious about settling down, and "her need to be in a relationship has trumped" her good judgment, although "she isn't looking for a fling. She is looking for a man to grow old with, who can help her raise Louis — a nice, decent guy."
And when you think nice and decent, you think Ratner, who "recently bragged on The Howard Stern Show that he wraps it up because, "If I breathe on a girl she can get pregnant."
Ukranian singer Elka (pronounced "Yolka") is a judge on the Ukranian version of The X Factor. Feeling this video because there's a cat in it that looks like my cat. Yes that's all it takes. Best YouTube Comment: "Slov net!!! Supeeeeeeeeeeerrrrr" — 99guky Grade: B+
There are few things in this world that truly bore the shit out of me. Children's sporting events, dance recitals, conferences, being delayed at the airport, mandatory workshops, etc. But nothing bores me more than seeing two slightly famous people — one a reality TV idiot, the other a somewhat well-known athlete — announce to the tabloid world that they are dating. And usually dating strictly for the purpose of becoming more famous. Now keep in mind there are exceptions to every rule, and in this case there are exceptions, mainly because I'm pulling all of this information out of my ass, so I can write whatever I want and there's nothing you can do about it. I have no problem with celebrities or celebrity couples, and can somewhat see why there is a tabloid interest. But I'm not talking about Will and Jada or Brad and Angelina. I'm talking about Paris Hilton at Soldier Field wearing a Brian Urlacher jersey because she banged him for a couple of weeks, or Matt Leinart doing the walk of shame out of her house following an evening that I can only imagine was filled with night-vision intercourse.