All season long, Grantland Idol experts Mark Lisanti and Jay Caspian Kang will answer five very important questions after each performance episode. Soon they shall toss a ring into a magic volcano and their journey will be complete.
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What did you think of last night's "One for the judges, one for themselves, and one for Jimmy" format, mixed in with the hometown concerts? Did it momentarily breathe life into the show, or was it just a different kind of two-hour trudge through the karaoke killing fields?
Lisanti: Do I dare say I enjoyed it overall? If you're going to make us sit through two hours of this thing — and they've never taken the two-hour boot off our throats all season — it was nice to get three actual performances in there. Even the hometown concerts seemed to have a little more energy than those of recent years. Maybe that had something to do with the high quality of two of the three finalists, or maybe Chula Vista doesn't usually see that much action, or maybe the Idol producers gave every kid in attendance a Four Loko the size of an oil barrel on the way into the arena while whispering, "Phillip just broke up with his girlfriend and he says he likes you the most" in their ears.
All season long, Grantland Idol experts Mark Lisanti and Jay Caspian Kang will answer five very important questions after each performance episode. Welcome to Week 485,891! Only infinity times google to go!
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Last week, Kang said that he had realized that Joshua Ledet couldn’t "stank out an already stanky song" like “Change Gonna Come” or “Ain’t Too Proud to Beg,” but he could stank the hell out of a thoroughly unstanky song. After Joshua’s performance of “It’s a Man's Man's Man’s World” last night, does he want to reconsider that statement?
Kang: Well, he’s certainly not shy. Joshua has taken on David Ruffin, Sam Cooke, and James Brown. All he’s missing is some Teddy Pendergrass (probably won’t happen because nobody under the age of 40 knows any of his songs), Brian McKnight (impossible, given developments), Luther (probably coming), and Kells (PLEASE!) and he’ll have taken on the Mount Rushmore of male R&B.
All season long, Grantland Idol experts Mark Lisanti and Jay Caspian Kang will answer five very important questions after each performance episode. They will then sit silently in a dark room for an hour, contemplating the poor life choices that got them to this point.
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It's almost laughable how much better J-Chez and Joshua are than the other three contestants. It's a sick joke on music, on television, on America. So who was better last night?
Lisanti: I'm a Joshua fan. I am. But as good as he is, we've seen that one thing he does exceedingly well over and over again, and there's no more possibility of surprise. Really, there have been no surprises from him since about the third week. He turns on the blasters, lets it rip, and three minutes later the judges are picking up the table he blew over. We know this. We're OK with this. But he's taken his thing as far it can go here.
All season long, Grantland Idol experts Mark Lisanti and Jay Caspian Kang will answer five very important questions after each performance show. This week, they tackle the Top 7. Wait, the Top 7 was last week? And it's Top 7 again? They really are in hell.
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What the hell was going on with Colton Dixon’s hair last night?
Kang: For those who didn’t watch, Colton dyed a pinkish-red streak into his famous hair, which, prior to last night, looked like it had been sheared from the mane of a very Aryan Nation lion. I didn’t think much of the streak at first and assumed that Colty had lost his virginity, was feeling a bit vulnerable, and needed to express himself in his usual post-Avril, post–Hot Topic way. But then I got to wondering about his blood feud with Philip Phillips and his abusive relationship with Hollie Cavanagh. Was the streak some sort of blood trophy? Had he done something terrible to his less talented yet more singularly driven sister? Is there a body somewhere in Los Angeles with Colton’s DNA all over it?
All season long, Grantland Idol ultramarathoners Mark Lisanti and Jay Caspian Kang will answer five very important questions after each performance show. Welcome to Week 380! They haven't quite broken yet, but they will. They will.
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I’m going to restate my question from last week. Don’t you think Skylar Laine is going to win?
Kang: Before I answer this fantastic question, I wanted to share something I noticed about Skylar. She looks like a Bush. Like if George W. put on a big red Judd wig and put on some eyeliner.
All season, Grantland Idol experts Mark Lisanti and Jay Caspian Kang will answer five very important questions after each performance episode. Though there are only nine contestants left, there is no explicit guarantee this cycle will ever end; it will probably stretch on well into 2015, just to destroy them.
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It felt like there was a seismic shift in the Idol hierarchy last night. Did you feel it?
Kang: Yes! Skylar Laine rocketed past Jessica Sanchez, Joshua Ledet, and that kid who sings like Dave Matthews and always looks like he has a cattle prod shoved up in an uncomfortable place. Skylar’s now the clear favorite to win the whole durn thing. Yes, I tend to endorse any sort of conspiracy that involves Walmart and droves of teenage girls (still believe the Walton family fixed the Carrie Underwood Idol finale), but Skylar’s upward swing isn’t just some red state/blue state, flyover-whatever business. Of all the singers left in the competition, she’s the only one who doesn’t just sound like a very talented karaoke pro. Her personality and voice alone can sell albums. That’s pretty rare in Idol land and should carry her past the pubescent singing machines to victory.
In today's special all-American Idol edition of the Hollywood Prospectus podcast, Grantland experts Jay Caspian Kang and Mark Lisanti discuss Jermaine Jones's abrupt on-air dismissal from the competition, how old it makes them feel that Shannon Magrane was born the same year No Doubt's "Don't Speak" was released, and attempt to project Hollie Cavanagh's eventual career path. There is also a discussion about how Joshua Ledet can fully exorcise the musical demons that so clearly possess him onstage, as well as a rumination on Will.I.Am's mostly useless, but amusingly Brian Fellowsian, guest mentorship. And: Jay gets weirdly hung up on some performers' recent tendency to pronounce their words like Adele, while Mark does a truly horrifying imitation of Ryan Seacrest. Plus: The names Teddy Pendergrass and Al Jarreau are mentioned. See you after the results show!
Before the Final 13 perform tonight, we wanted to handicap each contestant’s odds to win and compare it to Vegas’s predictions. No need to wait any further, let’s just get right into it. [Ed. note: All wagering analysis is for entertainment purposes only. If you actually put money on this, you have a serious problem. That being said, mortgage your future on Shannon Magrane.]
Hollie Cavanagh
Kang: Ms. Irrelevant — the sixth girl they let in because they needed to let in a sixth girl and for no other reason. The whole blond girl from Texas thing might have worked, but Hollie’s got an unidentifiable, vaguely British accent going on that should alienate her from the always-vital tween-xenophobe (tweenophobe?) population. As for her singing, if you can’t bust out the song from Mulan with more power than that, you’ve got no business on the Idol stage. The judges gave her credit for not singing any notes out of tune, but isn’t that kind of like congratulating a pitcher who gave up five home runs but didn’t walk anyone? We should call her the Kevin Slowey of American Idol.
After seven mind-numbing weeks of cattle-call auditions, interminable group numbers, and the sudden, shocking onset of a still-unidentified, organ-liquefying plague that left at least 15 unlucky pop-star hopefuls dead and scores more voiding the churning contents of their virus-wracked stomachs into the nearest potted plant, last night American Idol finally made its first round of audience-voted eliminations, thinning the Top 24 to a Top 13. (If you've already forgotten the new mechanics of this season, "America" decided the Top 10, and our esteemed panel of judges selected three additional "wild cards" via a Sing For Your Life performance borrowed from Cowellian upstart The X Factor.) And so, after a two-hour results show so bloated Fox had to cut away its bedroom wall and deliver its piano-sized Craftmatic directly into our DVRs with a construction crane, here are your Top 13:
All season long, Grantland Idol experts Jay Caspian Kang and Mark Lisanti will answer five very important questions after each Idol performance episode. Only 2,103 weeks to go, guys!
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This is usually the spot where we ask about your favorite performer, but tonight any answer to that question that isn't "Deandre Brackensick" or "Joshua Ledet" would be completely insane. So: Deandre or Joshua? (Note: If you pick Ledet, you have to attempt to top his "Mantasia" nickname.)
Lisanti: Since I know Kang's already got a custom-made Fathead decal of Joshua Ledet belting an Aretha song static-clinging to the ceiling above his bed, I'm going to be the gracious one and take Deandre Brackensick. Not only is he physically mesmerizing because of his uncanny, unsettling resemblance to whatever the DNA-cocktail child of Jason Castro, Rob Pilatus, and Taylor Dayne inevitably would look like, he's got the most interesting voice in the Top 24. Why? DYNAMICS. That's right. Dynamics. One moment he's all up here [waves hand three feet above head], the next he's bouncing around in the "chest notes" (thanks, Randy Jackson, for saying something like that), and then he's waayyyy down here [brings hand to the groin area to frame it with a dramatic flourish]. He's falsetto and whatever the technical term for the opposite of falsetto is. (Bassitone, right?) He's all those things, with the up and the down. So much upsy-downsy, but with a lion's mane throw on top of it.
All season, in-house Grantland Idol experts Jay Caspian Kang and Mark Lisanti will answer five very important questions about each performance episode. Their efforts will eventually end in a well-publicized murder-suicide.
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Who was your favorite contestant? (Note: Your “favorite” does not necessarily have to be “talented” or “stand any chance of winning whatsoever.”)
