You're busy and only have time for so many murders per week. So which TV procedurals are actually worth your time? We consulted the plot descriptions for this week's grisliest dramas and, below, offer our best advice on how to manage your viewing schedule.
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Hawaii Five-0 (CBS), "Alaheo Pau'ole” (Mondays at 10 p.m.) “On the eve of Chin Ho's wedding to Malia, the Five-0's investigation into a man left for dead in an abandoned WWII bunker crosses paths with Capt. Fryer's case of a Jane Doe. Tom Sizemore Returns as Capt. Vincent Fryer.”
A bittersweet week here for the Murder Forecast, as many of the procedurals are turning in their season finales. Which means this is as good a time as any to pay tribute to Hawaii Five-O which, in just two seasons, has become – thanks to its idyllic location shots and creative deaths – an honored member of the procedural community. As for the actual episode, it looks like we’re in for some historic bunker deaths but mostly wedded schmaltz. On the plus side, it’s always nice to see Tom Sizemore continuing to defy the Celebrity Rehab curse. (By the way, I was just now confirming that Tom was indeed on that show, and found this sentence on his Wikipedia page: “On August 18, 2005, approximately eight hours of celebrity sex tape starring Sizemore was published on the internet.” Mr. Sizemore!)
You're busy and only have time for so many murders per week. So which TV procedurals are actually worth your time? We consulted the plot descriptions for this week's grisliest dramas and, below, offer our best advice on how to manage your viewing schedule.
Skip
CSI: New York (CBS), "Means to an End" (Friday at 9 p.m.) “When an important witness turns up dead, Jo is caught up in the dangerous investigation of the suspected rapist who was freed on her watch in D.C. Michael Weston guest stars as Frank Waters, Jo's former colleague from the FBI. Jason Wiles returns as rape suspect John Curtis. Jeffrey Nordling returns as Senator Kirk Matthews, who blames Jo for Curtis's previous acquittal.”
This is the second time in the brief, illustrious career of the Murder Forecast in which an episode description for CSI: NY has featured the phrase “Jason Wiles returns as rape suspect John Curtis.” Seriously, CSI: NY, how much longer must this go on? The fictional victims of John Curtis demand fictional closure.
Kristen Stewart has been offered a role in the Akira remake, although it’s not yet clear if a deal will actually go down. Stewart will be playing Ky Reed, a character who is "part of an underground movement to expose the government for turning orphans into living weapons." If Stewart doesn’t accept the role it will most likely be because, sources on the inside say, she wants more time to gleefully roll around in bed with stacks and stacks of her Twilight millions. Grade: B [HR]
Old Tom Eliot had it wrong: April isn’t the cruelest month, it’s October. As the final blasts of the shofar fade into memory, television’s brightest hopes find themselves adrift in an unfamiliar landscape, dotted with returning giants and buffeted by the cruel winds of fate, audience indifference, and the dreaded over-run of NFL games. And after a sleepy start, this month the 2011 TV season has finally started to stack bodies like Chris and Snoop let loose in an abandoned tenement. First fell The Playboy Club, the victim of a brutal, boring high-heel to the throat. Then Free Agents was sacked and How to Be a Gentlemanlost its duel at ten paces (and two episodes). At the end of the day on Friday, Charlie’s Angels was mercifully dispatched to the afterlife. It’s unclear what’s more damning to the networks: that all four of these heavily hyped newcomers were knocked off before Halloween or that there most likely won’t be a single soul who misses them. (I’m beset by visions of NBC boss Bob Greenblatt trapped in his office, drowning in an avalanche of mailed-in bunny tails like so many low-rent, porny tribbles. I’d make a joke about similar save-our-show campaigns for the other recently deceased but I honestly can’t think of a single memorable moment from any of them.)
The early going of a baseball season is often slow: Teams need extra time to gel, personalities need to mesh, and scoring is down. The inaugural Grantland Fall TV Cancellation League is no different: two weeks in and action, as well as the pickings, are slim. There is only one out-of-the-box breakout hit — Fox’s The New Girl — and all six of us were smart enough to leave it undrafted. Meanwhile, despite all evidence to the contrary, there are no spectacular disasters, no Lone Stars burning brightly with promise and then incinerating in the heat the hopes and dreams of a million changed channels — although Free Agents is coming tantalizingly close. (Friday-morning update:Drop the Zen schtick, Greenblatt! When a horse — or, say, a bunny — breaks its leg, you don’t stroke your chin, you act! Savagely!) To date, there have been no cancellations, no tepid votes of confidence, no showrunner firings, and no emergency castings of John Stamos. This lack of movement, this uncharacteristic patience on the part of network executives, is reflected in our first scoring update: There are two teams on top and a whole bunch of Seattle Mariners. For 3/4 of the league, the standings are grim — and we don’t mean overall No. 1 pick Grimm, which doesn’t debut for three more weeks.
