Jennifer Aniston & Justin Theroux Are Engaged: So much for that other story from last week saying they'd broken up. "Justin Theroux was a bundle of jangled nerves" on his 41st birthday, since "the only present he wanted was to hear Jennifer Aniston say yes to his proposal of marriage." The nervous Theroux "even swore to a friend she'd say no." The tabloids would have gone nuts if she'd said no. "Jen cried. The proposal was simple. He was surprised she said yes, but he is so happy." They celebrated at a Greenwich Village restaurant. In 2005 she told Vanity Fair "There's an amazing man that's wandering the streets right now who's the father of my children." She meant in the future, I think. In the following years "she kissed a string of frogs — ahem, John Mayer — and now friends are thrilled that the actress has finally found her prince at age 43." Because women are princesses until the day they die, duh. "Jen's had a really hard time with love. She hasn't always given herself the respect she deserves." The tabloids profitably hammering on her self-esteem and life choices probably didn't help. It's cute how they're like a passive-aggressive frenemy suddenly pretending to be happy for her!
Tom & Katie: "She pulled it off brilliantly. She knew how to get him." When Holmes left on a work trip to China in June, she found out that "Tom was beginning to audit Suri behind her back." Cruise's rep denies it. Auditing is the Scientology practice of "asking specifically worded questions designed to find areas of emotional distress." When Katie visited Tom on the Oblivion set in Iceland, "Tom was filming and Katie tried to discipline Suri over something. But one of Tom's Scientology handlers stepped in and said they couldn't let her do that, and they would have to call Tom." Katie "snapped" and realized her 6-year-old daughter was being indoctrinated. "There's an escalation of involvement when kids hit school age." According to one insider, "It wasn't so much Cruise she feared, but his inner circle and the people handling her. They were so controlling it was terrifying." Katie was "monitored around the clock" and "felt she was being watched more than protected."
Grading the Moms: Welcome to the newest low in celebrity gossip. Grading moms! Yes, that's right — Star decided to rate women's parenting with letter grades. No men included. This is so hateful and I am trying to think of a good way to make fun of it besides just screaming "C'MON" but I can't. C'MON!!!!!
A+: Sandra Bullock ("I do not want anyone to have the pleasure of changing poopy diapers but me!"), Jennifer Garner
A: Alyson Hannigan (hosts something called potty-dance parties)
A-: P!nk (sings for her daughter), Reese Witherspoon (wholesome)
B+: Heidi Klum, Katie Holmes (but ... Suri)
C+: Alicia Silverstone (feeds her kid chewed-up food from her mouth)
C-: Angelina Jolie (lets her kids eat junk food and have toy guns), Jada Pinkett Smith, Jennifer Lopez (leaves her twins with nannies), Madonna
D+: Christina Aguilera ("the Dirrty diva enjoys going out and drinking")
F: Amber Portwood ("chose a five-year jail stint over rehab")
Demi: "From the way Demi Moore was behaving on one January night, she may as well have been a college kid at a dive bar on spring break." The 49-year-old actress "looked out of her mind" partying with her 23-year-old daughter, Rumer. "She was dancing wildly, lifting up her shirt to show off her six-pack. Just desperate for attention. She was trying to seem sexy and cool." At an after-hours kickback in her Beverly Hills house, Moore smoked "an incense-like substance" (possibly the legal faux-marijuana Spice). "Everyone there thought she was going to die." She was treated at an ER. "Demi's life is in complete crisis. She has spiraled since her split from Ashton. She has no idea who she is or what her life should be." Her split from Kutcher "sent Moore's deep-rooted insecurity about aging into overdrive." "Once Hollywood's hottest and highest-paid actress," Demi viewed daughter Rumer "as her clubgoing wingwoman and an entrée into the young Hollywood scene." A friend of Rumer's says, "It's so weird." Demi has been "chasing" Zac Efron. She "tracked down the actor at a party" in Venice. "She just showed up, and everyone was pretty freaked out. They thought it was weird she would hang out with people half her age. She calls him and texts him a lot, but he's not interested at all. He thinks she's a creepy cougar." Oh no, not the C-words! "She seemed out of her mind at this party." At Beacher's Madhouse "a sloppy Moore danced on tables." A few nights later she chugged 10 Red Bulls. "She always wanted to seem young and fun to keep up with Ashton's friends. Her age made her feel insecure enough, but if she was sober as well, she felt like she was a killjoy." She "turned to bizarre beauty treatments, like using leeches." You mean like Jenna Maroney on last week's 30 Rock? "She would do anything to stay youthful."