He’s growing old like the rest of us, sure, and maybe prone to weepy fits of nostalgia for a bygone era where music was earnest and not controlled by social media, shock value, and fucking stupid neon hats, but there’s still something noble about R. Kelly’s quest to dig up the classics of R&B and process them through his personal branding machine. This project started in earnest in 2009, when he began singing Sam Cooke songs during his sets. Then came the infamous Christmas party where he performed the entirety of Cooke’s 1964 show at the Copacabana, which, in turn, inspired Love Letter, Kelly’s throwback album that featured the single “When a Woman Loves.”
This song does not exist. It does not contain the lyric “I ball harder / no tennis racket.” It does not contain the lyric “Swag out this world, you should call me Venus / that’s my sister, my name is Serena.” Those aren’t real lyrics. This song does not exist.
Danny Brown, “Jay Dee's Revenge”
If you’ve ever spent any significant amount of time in Michigan, you know worshiping the late hip-hop producer J. Dilla is practically written into the state constitution over there. Which, if you’ve ever spent any significant amount of time driving around a mind-numbingly freezing Michigan winter in a decrepit Mercury Sable blasting his bass monster beat for Frank n’ Dank’s “Marajuana” over and over again, you understand why. (This Danny Brown track comes off the latest posthumous Dilla release, Rebirth of Detroit.)
Yes, it's finally here. The "Trapped in the Closet" podcast. Reality Czar David Jacoby sits down with Rembert Browne and Jay Caspian Kang to talk about R. Kelly's masterpiece, with scattered discussions of Coachella, cruises, and holograms sprinkled in for good measure. A few of you will really, really like this.
"The P-P-Package. The P-P-Package. The P-P-Package. The P-P-Package." — Pimp Luscious
Once these lines were stuttered at the end of Chapter 22, it was the end of an era. Although R. Kelly stated in an IFC behind-the-scenes screening of this final chapter that it was "going to end with a beginning," there was no way to tell if we'd ever see Sylvester (husband of Gwendolyn, brother-in-law of Twan), Pastor Rufus (husband of Cathy, lover of Chuck), James (husband of Bridget, lover of Gwendolyn), Big Man (little person male stripper, lover of Bridget), Rose (the nosy neighbor, husband of Randolph), Pimp Luscious (pimping partner of Bishop Craig), Narrator, and the other members of the incestuous Chicago community ever again.
Scoring no. 1s. Breast-feeding in public. Your fave could never! Grade: B Best YouTube Comment: "I sang this song great. Very hard song to sing. Me and Beyonce are the only people who can sing it good." —MrRodriguez1956
Madonna featuring M.I.A. and Nicki Minaj, “Give Me All Your Luvin’”
This song sounds like Avril Lavigne’s “Girlfriend,” which on its own isn’t the worst thing ever, but it pointedly contains the lyrics, “Every record sounds the same / You’ve got to step into my world.” Also: Madonna made M.I.A. and Nicki awkwardly shake pom poms around just in case anyone forgot for a second that she was playing the Super Bowl halftime show this Sunday, and then only gave them four worthless, tacked-on bars each? On the plus side: Doesn’t she look amazing, folks?!
All season, Grantland editors Jay Caspian Kang and Mark Lisanti will answer five very important questions about each performance episode. They're already starting to crack under the pressure, so by the top 12 things should really get interesting.
One
Who was your favorite contestant from Aspen? (And keep in mind by “favorite” we mean “the one you liked the most, you feel me, don’t overthink it, dawg.”)
Best news ever, everyone: there’s an R. Kelly cruise. Really! The romantic ‘Love Letter’ cruise sets sail from Miami to the Bahamas on October 1st for four days of magic and wonder, and is co-presented by Bling1 Entertainment. (First the book, now this? It's almost too much). And not that you possibly need convincing that this is totally worth the $1,499 price tag, but here’s the official copy:
“An exciting time awaits you on Carnival Cruise Line "Destiny", as R. Kelly presents a fabulous performance, never seen before at SEA. Enjoy delicious cuisines. Work up a sweat at the "Stepping Class", Sign up for the "12 Play" Basketball Game. Pamper yourself with a massage, and select from more than 20 various games and activities on board, along with special guest artists. Don't miss this exciting cruise with R. Kelly.” Bonus tagline: “You’ve seen him on land … you’ve heard him on the radio … but you’ve never heard him at sea.”
There’s no other artists announced yet – and hopefully there won’t be? Obviously, R. Kelly has enough juice to entertain thousands on a boat for four days all by himself; throwing in other, lesser R&B types would dilute the pure Kelly-at-sea experience. Also, if it is just all Kellz all the time, that really opens the door to more rad/corny song-title naming situations. Think of the possibilities: the “Sex Planet” Adults Only Deck! The “Freaky In the Club” Late Night Dance Hour! The “Just Can’t Get Enough” Peel N’ Eat Shrimp Buffett! The “You Remind Me of Something” Memory Game Hour! “The World’s Greatest” Waffle Breakfast! The “I Believe I Can Fly” Parasailing Expedition! The “I Like the Crotch on You” Singles Night! Feel free to play along at home.
Who, exactly, were the fools deluded enough to wonder whether R. Kelly would return, as glorious and brilliant as ever, from the minor throat surgery he underwent earlier this year? We don’t really know; as far as we can tell, everyone assumed Kelly would make a fast return to the craft he's perfected over 20 years and ten wonderful albums. But to hear the man himself tell it, the world turned on R. Kelly in those dark days — and now he's having his revenge in song form. Earlier today, R. tweeted out a new track, along with the message, “It's been a long time coming but I finally feel a lot better about my throat since the surgery and this is the first song I wrote.” The song’s called “Shut Up,” and it is a musical smackdown of each and every one of those doubting-ass doubters.
1. The title.
2. The subtitle.
3. The cover photo.
4. The release date (it's out next week already) [Update: Actually, it'll be out next spring, reports the Village Voice].
5. Kelly's co-author is this guy.
The hottest trend in music in 2011? Throat surgery! Following the recent lead of John Mayer, Adele, R. Kelly, and KISS’s Paul Stanley, Keith Urban — the Australian country music star and Nicole Kidman spouse — will go under the knife later this month. The details of these surgeries vary, but they’re all pretty gnarly-sounding: polyp-removals, hemorrhage treatments, and abscess-drainings, etc. So — why? Our five best guesses, after the jump.
1. Beyoncé and the Roots, "Best Thing I Never Had" (live on Jimmy Fallon)
Turns out the only person who can upstage Beyoncé in a ballad is the girl playing the piano behind her in this Fallon performance. She is feeling it so hard that not even Bey can keep up.
2. Young Jeezy, "Shake Life"
The real is back! With a Toto sample and his trademark positive attitude, rap's favorite motivational speaker returns to help you train for that triathlon.
