Taylor Swift's Teen-Boy Love Triangle: "Taylor's insinuating herself into the Kennedy clan has taken a twisted turn." After taking on Jackie O's "prim-'n'-proper New England-chic, pearls-with-pleated-skirts" style and settling in at the Hyannis Port Kennedy Compound, "she's adding another Kennedy notch to her belt. Taylor was caught making out with Patrick Schwarzenegger — Conor's cousin — at a family event!" Swift would NEVER. "Taylor was making out with Patrick all night. The previous day she was all over Conor — so she hooked up with two cousins on consecutive nights!" Les Cousins Dangereux! "That sounds like risky business for the singer, who's been known to write songs about the two-timing men who've hurt her in the past." Turnabout is fair play? "Conor and Patrick have always been competitive" and Taylor loves feeling desired. But the older members of the clan do not want theatrics. "As far as the Kennedys are concerned, Taylor is trash. Conor says he's in love with her, but all she's done is cause drama." I guess another notch on her belt is all they'll ever be.
Rihanna and Chris: "Of the 100 people gathered gathered to ring in Rihanna's 24th birthday at a Beverly Hills mansion the day before Valentine's Day, only one stood out: her abusive ex-boyfriend, Chris Brown." A witness says, "Rihanna and Chris were very much together. He was touching her butt, rubbing her arm, and they kept dancing with each other. They seemed like a couple to everyone." But while they have "been covertly hooking up for almost a year" they have finally "become more open about their mutual affection." A Riri pal says, "Chris was a strong first love for her that she wants to hold on to. They had a violent, stormy relationship. Her friends obviously think this reunion is crazy — but nobody can tell Rihanna what to do." And since it was her birthday, nobody said an unkind word about Brown's presence, who "kept his gaze on Rihanna until past 4 am," saying "Isn't Rihanna beautiful?" to fellow party guest LaLa Vasquez Anthony. Chris "will always love Rihanna" and would drop girlfriend Karrueche Tran (whose face he recently had tatted on his arm) if Rihanna asked — but Rihanna prefers the control and power she currently has over him, even if Chris still has the upper hand. "She likes the loose nature of it and she doesn't want a boyfriend. This is dangerous, and she likes playing with fire."
Chris Brown: "Confidently approached an attractive brunette" at a Grammy after-party and said, "Can I get your number? I promise I won't beat you!" according to the attractive brunette in question. "He and his friends laughed, then one yelled 'that's his new line!'" Ha ha ha ha DIE, CHRIS BROWN.
Kim Kardashian and Reggie Bush: Just before Valentine's Day, "the reality star reconnected with a tall, handsome suitor: ex-boyfriend Reggie Bush."
"MARRIED TO A CRAZY MAN" The Saga Of Russell Brand And Katy Perry: "Katy Perry awoke alone in her Kauai, Hawaii, rental home December 30, ready to organize a party for New Year's Eve." A trial separation exploded in flames when Perry realized "her husband of 14 months had reneged on the deal, blindsiding her by filing for divorce." Katy "struggled to make sense of it all" while in the U.K. Brand "even released a statement to the press." This all compounded Katy's "private hell" wherein she had been "trying to salvage a doomed union." Brand's friends say he "has an insatiable desire for pushing limits." But "he soon learned that, for all her whipped cream-shooting bras and double entendres" Katy is actually "a good Christian girl" and "Russell didn't like the real Katy the more he got to know her." Now Perry, who really thought "marriage is forever" is devastated, since she "feels she failed." Katy initially "used her 'wild child' persona to keep him sexually infatuated" but just "a year in" and "Brand was already bored." At the start of their courtship "Katy was kinky" and Brand "was very attracted to her. When things got bad, if they had a roll in the hay, they were always better after." But all that kinky sex was "never enough" and "Russell doesn't like being alone." Katy's career interfered. Brand "always needs someone there, and that's not Katy -- she's busier than he is." Without constant female companionship to keep him in line, "Russell goes to a dark place." This dark place is on the internet, where Brand "really gets off on one particular porno with a guy in a wheelchair. He's attracted to things he can't imagine happening to him." For the couple, "all their sexual pyrotechnics couldn't mask a larger problem": Russell's sober lifestyle opposed Katy's party girl antics. But was the real problem the imbalance of fame and Brand's resentment of his wife being a bigger star? "She had so much going on this year, and there were so many times when he wasn't there." Perhaps it's because "being called 'Katy Perry's husband' bothers him." After Katy's SNL hosting gig (which he skipped) "he told her that she wasn't that funny. That really hurt." Now Brand will "no longer have to pretend to be her biggest fan." He is already "ringless" and "on the prowl" in the UK while Katy "continues to nurse her broken heart." Who gets custody of the cats???
There are few things in this world that truly bore the shit out of me. Children's sporting events, dance recitals, conferences, being delayed at the airport, mandatory workshops, etc. But nothing bores me more than seeing two slightly famous people — one a reality TV idiot, the other a somewhat well-known athlete — announce to the tabloid world that they are dating. And usually dating strictly for the purpose of becoming more famous. Now keep in mind there are exceptions to every rule, and in this case there are exceptions, mainly because I'm pulling all of this information out of my ass, so I can write whatever I want and there's nothing you can do about it. I have no problem with celebrities or celebrity couples, and can somewhat see why there is a tabloid interest. But I'm not talking about Will and Jada or Brad and Angelina. I'm talking about Paris Hilton at Soldier Field wearing a Brian Urlacher jersey because she banged him for a couple of weeks, or Matt Leinart doing the walk of shame out of her house following an evening that I can only imagine was filled with night-vision intercourse.