Break out your sachet of tannis root, because NBC is doing a "reboot" of Rosemary's Baby, despite that it never actually booted it originally. This weekend at the Television Critics Association press tour, NBC chairman Bob Greenblatt announced a slew of new projects for the peacock, including Rodham, a miniseries about Hillary Clinton starring Diane Lane, and an update of NBC's 1993 miniseries adaptation of Stephen King's The Tommyknockers, possibly to try to grab some of the shine from CBS's successful adaptation of King's Under the Dome. Greenblatt doesn't seem too sure that these new projects will revive the oft-flailing network's critical and commercial prospects. He claims that lauded cable dramas "on our platforms with those numbers would be canceled," and it's not fair that "the bastard child is now broadcast television." Or maybe you could support shows that might struggle with audience numbers initially but bring in strong reviews and attract loyal fans? Because by NBC's current logic, Seinfeld wouldn't last two seasons.
George Clooney & Eva Longoria: "Back in March — while he was still dating Stacy Keibler, 33 — Clooney, 52, connected with Eva Longoria, 38, in Berlin." Oh shit! "George told her that he was still with Stacy, but had plans to break up with her — and was interested in being with Eva. Then he pursued Eva with texts and calls, though they never hooked up."
There are flops, and then there are flops. This summer has seen a steady string of high-profile projects that underperform at the box office and are met with in-depth investigations as to their deleterious impact on their respective studios. The thing is, though, they'll often open near the top of the box office rankings, and will pull in tens of millions of dollars while doing so. It's just against expectations, and their own swollen budgets, that they've been deemed disasters.
This summer's best example is The Lone Ranger: It's up to an impressive-sounding $150 million worldwide — but, thanks to a $215 million budget, that ain't cutting it. A similar numbers game has been played with White House Down and even Pacific Rim. The numbers might look big; they're just not big enough. Thank god, then, for R.I.P.D. In its first weekend, Ryan Reynolds and Jeff Bridges's cops-from-Hell comedy misfired in the old-fashioned way, racking up the kind of numbers that suggest it was mostly seen by people who'd accidentally wandered into the theater. I mean: $12.8 million? $12.8 million?! Now those are the kind of paltry numbers we can immediately identify as a disaster!
Every once in a while you see a bad movie and wonder how more of them aren't worse — a film so shitty on so many levels that you can't believe no one involved with the production could see that nothing was working. R.I.P.D. is that kind of bad. It's so bad, it puts other movies' badness in a new light. What was so tiresome about Man of Steel, so careless of World War Z, and so depressing in Grown Ups 2 doesn't matter when you're faced with something that feels more like a willful accident than a film.
One thing you should know about buddy (undead) cop comedy R.I.P.D. is that Zach Galifianakis was originally cast alongside Ryan Reynolds, but dropped out due to scheduling conflicts (with his free time, he ended up shooting more Bored to Death (good!) and The Campaign (not so good!) And so the studio went ahead and replaced Galifianakis with Jeff Bridges?! What strange world do we live in where American treasure Jeff Bridges picks up sloppy seconds from the guy who made a baby masturbate? But maybe this speaks less to the shifting fortunes in either man's career, and more to the fact that Bridges, apparently, really wanted to riff goofily off his own gruff past roles. Here, he and Reynolds play a dead cop team that patrols Earth, bringing back the souls who won't agree to move peacefully on to the afterlife (R.I.P.D = Rest in Peace Department). And Bridges gets to wear a cowboy hat and Colonel Sanders facial hair and say stuff like "We are the greatest lawmen that ever lived and died." Well, at least someone's having fun here.
Angelina Jolie is "Surprise! Boring in bed." Whaaaaaa? This alleged information comes from shade thrown by her ex, Billy Bob Thornton, who has said, "sometimes, with the model, the actress, the 'sexiest person in the world,' it may be literally like fucking the couch." FUCK YO COUCH, BILLY BOB!
From Kirstie Alley oversharing about conspiring with George Wendt to snap a picture of Ted Danson's dick during the Cheers years to the revelation that Mel Gibson is dating Jennifer Aniston's body double, this year we learned more than we could have possibly ever wanted to about celebrities.
Scarlett Johansson Is Depressed: "She was totally out of control in Moscow recently" at a champagne brand's promo event. "She was drinking nonstop and barely slept. It was obvious that she was trying to numb her feelings." She's sad about her breakup with ad exec Nate Naylor. "She's not used to going home alone — it's a shock to her system. The fact that Ryan Reynolds is happily married while she's single again has done a number on her. And the drinking is taking its toll — she's been crying because she feels so fat." She got a lucky horseshoe tattooed on her ribcage "because she's feeling a bit unlucky." A rebound with ex-boyfriend Jared Leto quickly went south. "She thought a fling with Jared would make her feel better, but since it was only a hookup, it only made things worse." Time for Lost in Translation 2? I know I'd pay good money to watch Scarlett be sad in Russia.
Dina & Lindsay Lohan: Dina's weird Dr. Phil segment continues to ripple dark energy throughout the Lohaniverse. "Dina was obviously high on something. It's hard to tell whether it was drugs or alcohol. It's very inappropriate to go on a TV show in that state. She must have done it because she knew Dr. Phil was going to ask hard questions about her parenting." Or because she's just permanently slizzered. The episode, in which Dina "seemed intoxicated as she flailed her way through the interview" with Dr. Phil, "makes it clear that the apple hasn't fallen far from the tree." This is all just sad, and has been for a long time.
Blake Lively & Ryan Reynolds: "With its 300-year-old moss-draped oak trees and stately, columned mansion, the Boone Hall Plantation & Gardens in Mount Pleasant, South Carolina, is a favorite venue for couples tying the knot. But it wasn't just the charming post-and-rail fences and lush lawns that appealed to the couple saying 'I do' there September 9th."
Was it the historic slave quarters then? Boone Hall's website seriously boasts about the "eight original slave cabins" and the road in front of the plantation property is quaintly named "Slave Street." I personally find the whole idea of getting married at a Southern plantation totally tacky and repulsive on a soul level, but hey, I'm not Blake Lively and Ryan Reynolds.
It appears that Ryan Reynolds and Blake Lively got married. If your first reaction was a brief eyebrow lift, possibly paired with an audible "huh," congratulations: That is the correct answer.
At the age of 35, Ryan Reynolds has now been married twice (Lively, Scarlett Johansson for 10 minutes two years) and engaged thrice (Alanis Morissette, way back in 2004). Reynolds is kind of like a groupie of female celebrities, except he happens to be a celebrity, too, which makes matters much more complicated and public. But there is something kind of lost and hungry about his romantic travails up until now, as if he's searching for that perfect name to attach his name to, and whose fame won't overshadow his own. One thing is for certain: The search is far from over. Here's a cheat sheet for the next 10 years.
Will Britney Survive on The X Factor? "It's going to be so much fun," said a "clearly uncomfortable Spears" as she took the stage at Fox's upfronts to announce her participation as a judge in the new season of The X Factor. "Doing X Factor may lead her back into meltdown territory. She gets extremely nervous and anxious. She's hard on herself and not very confident." Even a positive event like her engagement to Jason Trawick can "input as stress. This is a lot of change all at once for Britney. She's coming undone." While her last two albums went platinum, friends say she is not fully recovered from the 2008 mental breakdown that ended with a psych ward stay. "She really is starting to seem loopy and not right. She is so happy one minute and crying the next. Her emotions are fragile." At a friend's Brentwood crawfish boil, Spears ignored partygoers while "muttering obscenities by herself." She hung out by the food table, saying, "Fuck it, I'm eating whatever I want. I don't care." Being the world's most famous teenage pop star may have had some unforeseen longer-term ill effects. "Everyone she needs to see comes to the house. She gets her hair done or spray-tans at home. She is definitely lonely and doesn't have friends." A million sad smiley faces. X-Factor may exploit the curiosity factor. "The show needs a bankable pop star who will get viewers watching, whether they think she's ridiculous or they love her."
John Travolta's Secret Life Surprises Kelly Preston: "Kelly was suddenly besieged by the reports of John's secret sex life." After their 11-year-old daughter asked what was up, Kelly "fell to the floor in a flood of tears. Suddenly, Kelly feels like she's been living a lie for two decades, and it's like a knife to the heart." The rumors about Travolta "have swarmed around Hollywood since at least 1990, when Paul Barresi, a gay porn star, publicly claimed that he and John were having sex." As a complete coincidence, Travolta married Preston in 1991 in "a quickie Scientology wedding ceremony." They signed a contract whose "exact contents are unknown" and "such agreements can contain almost anything — including prohibiting a spouse from speaking publicly about scandals." Jeff Conaway, who co-starred as Kenickie in Grease alongside Travolta, claims "that John once tried to perform oral sex on him while he slept." Conaway also says "that Kelly knows that John is gay" and agreed to beard for him, because she "wanted the lifestyle that comes with a marriage to a Hollywood celebrity more than love."