The Women of Beverly Hills 90210 Are BFFs: "The scene was perfectly set for a showdown. Shannen Doherty had just marched into Jennie Garth's 40th birthday bash sporting killer boots and her trademark smirk — looking every inch like Brenda Walsh at her fiercest." YES. "The Beverly Hills 90210 vets, once such mortal enemies that costar Tori Spelling claimed they had a fistfight, strode toward each other and … hugged." Hugged?! Reunited and acting "just like real friends," the former "Kelly and Brenda have called a cease-fire to their 20-year war." Why now? "A Doherty pal attributes the bonding to the simple matter of growing up — and feeling nostalgic for the Peach Pit days: 'It's like high school friends that you fought with but now love. They're a big part of your past.'" OK, sure. "Shannen and Tori were in New York doing press, and they were warm. The '90s were a long time ago." They sure were. At least they all still hate that bitch Valerie (Tiffani Thiessen).
Things You Don't Know About Ice-T (Excerpts):
"I love grape Kool-Aid"
"As a kid, I dreamed of being a bank robber"
"My favorite artist is Prince"
"If I could time travel, I'd go to the Roaring '20s"
"I love all kinds of cereal"
"My most embarrassing moment was getting diarrhea while performing at a concert."
"Harvey Keitel is my favorite actor."
"I prefer to be indoors."
"The first famous person I met was my neighborhood crime boss."
Ashton Kutcher and Mila Kunis: "Friends with benefits?" Kelso and Jackie "took a mini-vacation together" to Carpinteria. They stopped at a roadside stand where "Mila bought sunflowers and blueberries," then had sushi for lunch. "They hadn't seen each other for years" but got back in touch during a That 70's Show reunion segment for Fox's 25th anniversary special. "He's so not her type." And as for Ashton's famous wandering eye? "Mila wouldn't stand for that kind of stuff. She's a strong, smart girl."
Brad and Angelina Are Engaged: "Pitt skipped the tradition of getting down on one knee and merely presented the ring as a token of his unwavering love." Jolie debuted "the tablet-shaped diamond" a few days later at a "private viewing of Chinese antiquities" at LACMA. Jolie's dad, Jon Voight, says he is "very happy for them!" The pressure came courtesy of the kids. "Maddox wanted them to have a wedding. He was the most vocal in pushing for it." Brad was also vocal. "Brad pleaded and said that everything else in the kids' lives in not normal. They travel constantly, they are always in different houses and different schools. They needed to give the kids one thing in their life that is normal, and they are asking for this. He said they should do it for them." This was hardly Pitt's first attempt to propose. "He asked her to marry him when she was pregnant with Shiloh. And she said no." BURN. Angie knew Brad would stick around anyway. "I don't think she has ever worried about her ability to keep a man, but what she has with Brad is very strong. They can still be hot and heavy. There is a great attraction. And Pitt has what it takes intellectually and emotionally to keep Jolie interested for the long haul. Angie is deep and thoughtful and undeniably sure of herself. I don't think any man but Brad could really make it work." While their ceremonies to previous spouses involved theatrics like "a gospel choir and fireworks show" (Pitt/Aniston) and "a wardrobe of black rubber pants and a white shirt with his name written in her blood" (Jolie/Miller), this will be a much more low-key event at their French estate. "Angie's even learning how to cook!" Maybe she'll cook coq au vin with Brad's blood!
Kanye & Kim K: "They were acting like a couple of kids" as they hung out on the floor piano in FAO Schwartz famous from Big. "It had been West's idea to have the store clear out customers so they could visit a few in-store boutiques — like the Angry Birds shop — undisturbed. As Kim playfully tried on costumes for West's amusement, more and more fans realized the superstars were in their midst, and began chanting her name. West, as famous for his ego as his talent — 'really dug it.' For him it's great to hang with someone who's an equal." Equally down with furs and fame-whoring, yes. "The new romance is the result of months of hot pursuit by West, sparing no expense to win the woman who calls herself 'the ultimate doll.' Conveniently, the knight in mink-lined armor arrived just as the damsel, 31, has been feeling like the dating equivalent of 'a leper,' with guys too freaked out to approach her." Kanye is smitten. "He thinks she's his Beyoncé!" They went to see The Hunger Games. "Not wanting the evening to end — or perhaps trying to woo her into a sleepover — West played to Kim's famous sweet tooth," buying her ice cream, which apparently worked; "she spent the night at his place" and emerged with a visible hickey. They lunched the next day, "where West downplayed his self-centered image over truffle pizza. He's actually a really good listener." They went clothes shopping and each paid. "Kim can pay her own way and she's not riding his coattails. He loves that she's a powerful business lady." HE FUCKING LOVES IT. "She was with cowardly guys like Reggie Bush, who was obsessed with what his teammates thought, and Kris, who didn't want her to act too strong. But Kanye loves her Kimness. She's great the way she is and if people hate on them, he'll only like her more."
Michelle Williams and Jason Segel: Four years after the death of her ex Heath Ledger, "If anyone deserves a little chivalry and happiness, it's Williams," who is "finally moving on with Segel, 32. After years of platonic friendship, the two have turned up the heat, meeting for several intimate dates in New York and L.A." An insider says "Romantically, this kind of happened overnight!" He won her over by being good with her daughter Matilda, prompting her to tell a friend "I love him!" Let's hope Segel isn't just trying to promote The Five Year Engagement with this romance, since "Michelle doesn't do flings. Every person she gets involved with is someone she can entertain the possibility of spending the rest of her life with." No less of a cad as Russell Brand has spoken of envying Segel's rampant cockmanship, calling him "a falcon among gulls when it comes to womanizing." But supposedly "Jason is trying to be more of a grown-up lately. He is taking care of himself more, exercising, eating right and dressing better. Basically, not acting like a frat boy anymore." He thinks Michelle is "the kind of girl he can bring home to his mom." Segel has been perma-single with side trips to the Isle Of Lohan since splitting from Lindsay Weir (Linda Cardellini) while Williams has weathered failed relationships with hipster directors Spike Jonze, Cary Fukunaga, and other "assholes who didn't treat her right" and were "just looking for an unserious situation." Let's hope "puppet collector" Segel can step up to the plate. "Jason can be a bit of a playboy. The only way this will work is if he completely devotes himself to Michelle." "She wants a good guy who will give her a stable family life."
Jennie Garth and Peter Facinelli: Nothing ever goes right for 90210's Kelly Taylor, perpetual victim of circumstance. "Watching a cow on her Santa Ynez, California, ranch tend to its newborn calf, Jennie Garth offered up a reassuring message to her daughters" as cameras rolled for her new reality show. "That's all a baby needs. His mama. Just the two of them. That makes a family." It was "undoubtedly bittersweet" as Garth and "her husband of 11 years, Twilight actor Peter Facinelli — had decided to separate." They made the split public in March, but "it's been over for months, maybe even a year. They kept up some sort of charade for their kids. They've been working on the marriage for a while. It was not something they took lightly." Facinelli experienced a popularity bump from his role as the Cullen patriarch in the Twilight franchise. "He used to be the one with the kids when she was a bigger star. She was jealous of his new life." The new life included "the attention of throngs of women — which unnerved Garth." Of course it did. Throngs! "She was jealous if he would even talk to another woman." Which he was doing, apparently, "hitting clubs with his younger castmates" in Vancouver, "including preferred wingman Kellan Lutz." In 2010 Garth said "I yearn for time with Peter, just so we can connect." Maybe Dylan McKay's still available. Just kidding, Dylan would totally be dead by now.
Sandra Bullock and Brett Ratner: "Sad for so long," Bullock was "miserable" after her marriage to Jesse James fell apart with a cheating scandal and Ryan Reynolds rebuked her advances in favor of the younger and blonder Blake Lively. But "cuddling with a new male companion at an after-hours party on Oscar night, Sandra Bullock looked happier than she's been in nearly two years." Friends were stoked until they "realized who her mystery man was: Hollywood's sleaziest bad boy, Brett Ratner." Sandra's rep issued an immediate denial, but eyewitnesses say she was "hanging out a lot" with 42-year-old Ratner, "who has crudely bragged about sleeping with a slew of starlets and resigned from his latest job producing the Academy Awards after using an anti-gay slur." Maybe Sandy likes bad boys, but "Brett is a real player. He always talks about meeting girls and partying." Could be he's all talk and shrimp juice, if you listened to what Olivia Munn had to say about their brief casting couch encounter. "She wanted somebody her age or older — a tough guy who could handle her lifestyle, but with enough dating experience that he wouldn't want to cheat on her like Jesse did." She spent Oscar week flirting with Ratner and fellow "notorious player Gerard Butler." She's serious about settling down, and "her need to be in a relationship has trumped" her good judgment, although "she isn't looking for a fling. She is looking for a man to grow old with, who can help her raise Louis — a nice, decent guy."
And when you think nice and decent, you think Ratner, who "recently bragged on The Howard Stern Show that he wraps it up because, "If I breathe on a girl she can get pregnant."
The Bachelor Saga Continues: "As quickly as the snowcapped mountains faded in the distance, so did Flajnik's feelings for his betrothed. As Courtney Robertson's abhorrent behavior unfolded on TV, Ben began having issues with what he saw. Instead of talking to Courtney about it, he just started avoiding her. They haven't split, but he basically stopped talking to her. He buried his head in the sand." HEALTHY! "And then he turned his attention to other women." Back in San Francisco, Flajnik has been "cheating on Robertson" with "three different women." I mean, he did say he always wanted to have sex with a model, not that he wanted to grow old with one. "He's drinking and hitting on women, and pretty much acting like a single guy," hanging out at Bay Area dive bars "teeming with Bud Light cans, free popcorn, and adoring Flajnik fans wearing skimpy clothing." Ladies Love Cool Flajnik. After the bar it's All Star Donuts, where Ben picked up a dozen. "I'm well-versed in doughnutspeak," he supposedly said (what?). After taking one girl home, he was spotted with another the very next day. "Ben went on The Bachelor to gain fame, money, and exposure for his business. Why not complete the package by choosing a model named Courtney who is nothing more than arm candy? He has always been an egomaniac and narcissistic." Meanwhile Courtney is finding that turnabout is fair play.
Bachelor Ben:The Bachelor contestant "Courtney Robertson was running out of tricks to keep Ben Flajnik's attention" after her "skinny-dipping in Puerto Rico" stunt. For a Panama rain forest group date "she shamelessly bared her breasts for an entire afternoon" (better than shamefully baring them?) and "to up the sexual ante" asked him to come over to her room. "Alas, the California winemaker, 28, never showed." After being stood up, "a dismayed Robertson stepped out onto her hotel balcony and tried her luck with a crew of construction workers outside." How did that work? "She danced for them in her bikini, shaking her butt" while they whistled. "She looked like she wanted attention." An attention whore on reality TV? You don't say. "It wasn't about Ben or finding true love. She just wanted to be famous." A sex tape she made with an ex-boyfriend may pop up soon. "It's pretty dirty." She formerly dated Jim Toth (the CAA agent who is now Reese Witherspoon's husband), Desperate Housewives' Jesse Metcalfe, and Entourage's Adrian Grenier, and was "superaggressive," a so-called "stage-five clinger" who "pushes herself onto men" and has "always relied on her body to get what she wanted." "She's like a monkey. She won't let go of one branch until she grabs hold of another — and she's always looking for a better branch. She wants to snag a rich dude." "Her best line is before having sex with a man. She'll ask him, 'Are you ready for your date with destiny?'" While some people claim Courtney is a plant cast to create controversy, sources say, "Roberton's bitchiness is 100 percent genuine."
Whippets are the least glamorous drug known to man. The term “whippets” is already demoralizing, bringing to mind anorexic dogs, run-down supermarket refrigerator aisles, and shaggy teenagers in a dirty rec room. The coverage of Demi Moore’s reported whippet overdose is no less grubby: Here, an unflattering paparazzi photo of Rumer Willis on TMZ with a comment up at the top from Satan saying, “Boy! She has one ugly face." Over there, a 10-minute recording of the 911 call nobody was meant to hear, with dog-ear-deafening prolonged censor beeps and a three-minute interlude about gate codes.
Katy & Russell at the Golden Globes: Katy "really did want to go out, but she was worried about running into Russell." He is working on a third book, which she fears will expose intimate details of their marriage. "Katy is insulted and feels betrayed that Russell has treated her so poorly by lying about how he wanted to handle the split and not giving her a warning that he was filing for divorce." Sure. "She will never forgive him. Ever." Brand spent this week hanging at Soho House and crashing a wedding at the Hotel Bel-Air. "He's being so atrocious that she feels like she never really knew him." A gentleman would go the hell back to England.
Justin and Jessica Biel: CAN SHE TRUST HIM? The formerly womanizing Justin "Trousersnake" is doing a 180 for love, having proposed to Jessica Biel. "Can one idyllic trip offset four years of heartbreak and drama?" The couple "split last spring in the wake of reported infidelities on his part." Biel's friends are skeptical that Justin will clean up his act. She gave him an ultimatum and he "came back to her with his hat in his hands." (Was it the hat he wore in the video for "Like I Love You"? That guy has a LOT of hats.) "She laid down the law: aisle or exit." After that, "it was understood that he was going to propose." She is not stupid about the stakes: "Everybody knows Justin has a wandering eye." But she ignored it "because she really wanted to stay with him." Timberlake, ever the charmer, told her "he wants to make this work too." Jessica won't put up with Justin's skeevy FutureSex/LoveCrap this time around. "There is no way Jessica will deal with his straying eye now that they're engaged. You are going to see some changes from Justin." Can we just hear some fucking MUSIC please, JT? Some people Justin may have banged or tried to bang, some while he was dating Jessica: Mila Kunis, Scarlett Johansson, Olivia Munn, Kate Hudson, Ciara, and Rihanna. "Then of course there are his layman conquests." Biel "struggles with his flirting, but loves him so much." Justin "seems to have all the power and is treating Jessica like a doormat. Often a week will go by without seeing him. He's calling all the shots. But she's taking what she can get — and the one thing she wants is to be his wife — at any cost." Timberlake "really loves Jessica, but he just can't stay monogamous." Ah c'mon, CAN'T or WON'T? "Basically his brain and his penis operate separately, and the brain proposed to her." So on their wedding night all she gets is brain?
Miley Cyrus: MARIJUANA OVERDOSE! "GIRL GONE WILD!" A picture of Miley with downcast eyes in a Kurt Cobain T-shirt. "Miley was smoking so much weed, her friends were afraid that she had overdosed!" Her friends are idiots. "Her eyes were extremely glassed over, and she was talking gibberish. She looked messed up. People were really concerned." Miley's pals sound like a bunch of snitches. Also, it's WEED, y'all. She'll be fine. Chillin' even. "It's not the first time Miley has gotten out of control, and she runs with a very shady, drug-using crowd." Again, as long as the only drug they're using is weed, she'll be A-OK. "We're afraid Miley will overdose badly at some point." I mean, maybe on Doritos. Miley "smokes pot until she passes out." Sounds like a gateway drug to watching marathons of The Millionaire Matchmaker. She shuts down criticism with "we're partying, and it's early." Too much marijuana "could cripple the chart-topper's vocal chords and damage brain cells." Reefer Madness Montana may not know that pot "increases dopamine levels, but they then drop below the normal levels and it's difficult to get them to return — so people try harder drugs." Even without harder drugs, "a marijuana overdose — symptoms of which include feelings of paranoia or fear, vomiting, increased heart rate, hallucination, and disorientation — can occur." A sidebar suggests that Miley's extra-perky cleavage is a result of a breast augmentation, rather than of being 19. Miley is "sick of always having to apologize for her behavior." And I'm sick of all these BUZZKILLS bringing down my girl Miley's HIGH, MAAAAAN. Now pass the fucking moon rock vaporizer this-a-way, please.
