… and it was awful. Last night, Jay Leno, in a vicious campaign to lose Aaron Paul an Emmy, exhumed the video and showed it to America. Paul dutifully cringed at the sight of his stilted delivery, with nary a "Nice clip, bitch!" tossed Leno's way for the nausea-inducing trip in the career-wayback machine. It was not his first time at this particular rodeo.
But the worst part about it? Beverly Hills, 90210 was always operating on a Shakespearean level of drama; any star-crossed Donna Martin romance surpassed the most poignant moments in Romeo and Juliet. It's almost obnoxious to rub such an obvious parallel in our faces like that.
Last night, the Miss USA pageant took place in Vegas. I will pretend you care about the particulars for a second and then move on to the point: The Biggest Loser trainer Bob Harper and Mo Rocca joined Betsey Johnson on the show’s panel, with Rocca “prais[ing] the pageant as a prime example of Americana”; also important (?) is that Miss USA is not the same as Miss America, a comparatively varsity competition requiring the contestants to have a charity platform and a talent (like, you know, ventriloquism). Miss USA is all hair extensions, gowns, Jonas brothers, and smizing.
Unfortunately, there are also questions. Winner Erin Brady from Connecticut was asked if she agrees with the Supreme Court’s DNA testing decision, for instance (she does). For God knows what reason, judge no. 3, NeNe Leakes, was chosen to pose a query to Miss Utah Marissa Powell, and she opted to ask about gender income inequality. NeNe, man! Still waters run deep! Whatever invisible high-five Utah gave herself when she saw that NeNe was the judge who would be probing her intellect was immediately squished when she heard the question, and what ensued was 30 seconds of trying to knit a cohesive answer-sweater out of education, creating jobs, and puzzling out how to make men try to create education better.
Why can't we all just get along? Why must there be so much hurt in the world? Why can't pretty young anchorpeople and distinguished veteran weatherpeople learn to peacefully coexist on a single TV news set?
If you somehow can't carve five minutes out of your day to watch the whole thing, at least skip to Andrea crying at 1:05. And Carl dreeting at 2:30. And, oh, sweet baby Judith, there's the musical number. Just make the time. Nothing else you accomplish today will be as important. Trust us.
Everything about this is perfect. The dancing chicken, the wheelchair-bound Tio lurking in the background with his finger hovering above a bell, the unbearably tense meal around the White family table with a soul-dead Skyler taking a bottle of wine straight to the dome.