In case you were out living a life of leisure, here's what you missed in sports on Thursday.
Roy Hibbert scored 19 points and grabbed 18 boards as the Pacers took a 2-1 lead on the Heat with a 94-75 win. During the third quarter, Dwyane Wade had a heated exchange with head coach Erik Spoelstra that only ended after Spoelstra grudgingly conceded that yes, maybe E.L. James's Fifty Shades of Greydoes have some literary value.
In case you were out living a life of leisure, here's what you missed in sports on Wednesday.
Oklahoma City rallied from seven points down, and Kevin Durant scored the winning basket with 18 seconds left, in a 77-75 win over the Lakers. "How you like me now, Seattle?!" said Russell Westbrook, just because he hadn't been a real dick in a while.
In case you were out living a life of leisure, here's what you missed in sports on Tuesday.
Tim Duncan scored 26 points and grabbed 10 boards as the Spurs took a 1-0 lead on the Clippers with a painless 108-92 win. Duncan said he was able to focus because he's finally learned to cope with Blake Griffin, who infuriates him during games by whispering things like, "science is fake," and "electricity is based on magic."
In case you were out living a life of leisure, here's what you missed in sports on Monday.
Russell Westbrook tallied 29 points, seven boards, and nine assists as the Thunder routed the Lakers 119-90 in Game 1 of the Western Conference semifinals. "I'm not going to blame this loss on fatigue," said Lakers coach Mike Brown, who then urged reporters to keep the noise down as he carried a sleeping Pau Gasol to the team bus.
In case you were out living a life of leisure, here's what you missed in sports on Thursday.
On a night when Kobe Bryant was hampered with a stomach issue, Ty Lawson scored 32 points and the Nuggets forced a Game 7 with a 113-96 win over the Lakers. "It sucks when you're sick for a big playoff game, doesn't it?" said Michael Jordan, in a really sarcastic phone call to Bryant. "So hard to play well. So hard to win. Hey, good luck man. Good luck with everything. Jordan out."
In case you were out living a life of leisure, here's what you missed in sports on Wednesday.
LeBron James scored 29 points, grabbed eight boards, and dished out seven assists as the Heat eliminated the Knicks with a 106-94 Game 5 win. After the game, Amar'e Stoudemire stood with clenched fists near a wall in the locker room where three fire extinguishers were hung in close proximity. "Why dost thou tempt me, Lord?!?!" he screamed to the ceiling, before concussing himself with a head-butt.
In case you were out living a life of leisure, here's what you missed in sports on Tuesday.
Josh Hamilton hit four home runs — only the 16th time that feat has been accomplished in major league history — in a 10-3 win over the Orioles. "This seems like as good a time as any to start collapsing," said Orioles manager Buck Showalter, as his players nodded in agreement. "I mean, if that's not a sign … four home runs? Come on. See you in 2013. Maybe."
In case you were out living a life of leisure, here's what you missed in sports on Monday.
In today's installment, I'll ask a question after each recap, and then answer it in scrambled anagram form. It's up to you to decode the (punny) answer. Throw your answers in the Facebook comments, and obviously don't look down there if you want to avoid spoilers.
Chris Paul scored eight of his 27 points in overtime, leading the Clippers to a 101-97 win over the Grizzlies and a 3-1 series lead. After the game, which libertarian presidential ticket did the Clippers star announce? Lone LA-Burp
Manu Ginobili came off the bench to score 17 points as San Antonio finished a four-game sweep of Utah with an 87-81 win. What did coach Gregg Popovich call Ginobili after the game? On Moms Pure Theft
In case you were out living a life of leisure, here's what you missed in sports on Thursday.
LeBron James scored 32 points and grabbed eight boards as the Heat took an insurmountable 3-0 lead on the Knicks, winning 87-70. After the game, James huddled near his locker, speaking quietly on a cell phone. "Thank you, V," he whispered. "It's been as smooth as you promised since the extinguisher incident. But how do you do it?"
In case you were out living a life of leisure, here's what you missed in sports on Wednesday.
Angels hurler Jered Weaver threw MLB's second no-hitter of the season, striking out nine and walking one in a 9-0 win over the Twins. "Why couldn't you be perfect?" screamed Weaver's mother, who was actually Weaver himself wearing a wig and staring in a mirror. "You're nothing! You'll always be nothing!" Man, Jered Weaver is complicated.
In case you were out living a life of leisure, here's what you missed in sports on Tuesday.
Kobe Bryant scored 38 points and Andrew Bynum contributed 27 points and nine boards as the Lakers took a 2-0 lead on the Nuggets, winning 104-100. In downtown Los Angeles, things turned a bit ugly during the second quarter when suspended forward Metta World Peace was found in a city dumpster viciously elbowing a pile of old chicken nuggets. Eyewitnesses described the act as "almost definitely intentional."
In case you were out living a life of leisure, here's what you missed in sports on Monday.
Dwyane Wade scored 25 points as the Heat took a 2-0 lead on the Knicks with a 104-94 win. After the game, sources report that Amar'e Stoudemire punched the glass casing surrounding a fire extinguisher, suffering lacerations that may keep him out for the rest of the playoffs. The incident reportedly began with the Knicks forward sitting in the locker room muttering crazily to himself: "What stops Heat? To know what stops heat, I must know what makes heat. Heat comes from flames. Flames come from fire. Fire must be extinguished. FIRE MUST BE EXTINGUISHED! AHHHHHHH *sound of shattering glass* AHHHH, MY HAND!" Following the incident, Knicks forward Steve Novak quietly picked up the fire extinguisher, whispered, "He was right — fire must be extinguished," and went off looking for Burnie, the Heat mascot.
In case you were out living a life of leisure, here's what you missed in sports on Thursday.
On Day 1 of the NFL draft, Andrew Luck was taken first by the Colts and Robert Griffin III was taken second by the Redskins. The Jets opted for Quinton Coples with the 16th pick, a defensive end from North Carolina who Rex Ryan praised for his "impressive rib extension, muscled rump, and high potential protein value."
In case you were out living a life of leisure, here's what you missed in sports on Wednesday.
There will be a new champion in the NHL! The Washington Capitals pulled off a stunning 2-1 overtime victory to beat the Boston Bruins in the first round of the Stanley Cup Playoffs when Wild Joel Ward slammed home a rebound at 2:57 in the extra period. I know I've been tough on hockey in this space before, so I've decided to compose a little ode in honor of this great day:
In case you were out living a life of leisure, here's what you missed in sports on Tuesday.
The NBA suspended Lakers forward Metta World Peace for seven games after he elbowed James Harden on Sunday. Terrorists, who only saw the headline "World Peace Suspended for 7 Days," released a statement saying it was too short, but that what the hell, they'd take it.
