Not to start off all Debbie Downer on you guys, but it's 7:43 p.m. and I'm not feeling too juiced for the Home Run Derby. Yesterday, I compared it to the NBA slam dunk contest in the sense that it gets really repetitive and boring after about 5 to 10 seconds. It's one of those events where everyone tries to overcompensate for the obvious monotony by going hog wild with excitement. It's a little bit like if you were out on a terrible date, and instead of just leaving after an hour, you start laughing hysterically at your own jokes to show the girl how cool you are. And when that doesn't work, you pretend to choke just so she'll have to hug you. We've all been there, right? The Home Run Derby is faking your own imminent death in order to experience brief contact with someone who despises you.

This is getting sad. This is a sad retro diary. I understand now why they fake the energy — it's the only way. Time to switch gears: