Stanford – An article with the headline “For once, Stanford RBs grab spotlight from Luck” shows that even in grabbing the spotlight from Andrew Luck by rushing for 446 yards, none of Stanford’s running backs could get their name in the headline, or get Luck’s out of it.
Kansas State – Despite a victory over the Jayhawks, the K-State Wildcats were unable to get Kansas coach Turner Gill fired. This came two weeks after Gill said: “We have some work to do on that side of the ball … or on all sides of the ball, for that matter.”
Texas A&M – It is now the highest-ranked team in Texas, and in God’s eyes.
Michigan – Despite being one of the most electrifying players in the country, Denard Robinson refuses to expand his horizons.
Penn State – Despite being one of the least electrifying players in the country, Matt McGloin has “Irish bravado.”
Texas Tech – With a shocking upset win over Oklahoma, that Texas Tech finally won the hearts and minds of Lubbock sports fans who had spent the last three years mourning the end of the Lubbock Renegades.
Arizona State – The Sun Devils must’ve done something impressive in their bye week in order to jump into the BCS, despite being unranked the week before and passing two teams that also had byes. At this rate, Arizona State will be in position to play in the national title, so long as they don’t play any other games until then.
Georgia – Controversy filled the campus as a satirical cartoon implied that Georgia students are more enthused about drinking and watching football than they are about their academics.
West Virginia – The Mountaineers lost to Syracuse by the same 26-point margin they lost to LSU by, proving once and for all that Syracuse is at least as good as the best team in the country.
Jordan Carr runs the blog Better than Voodoo while trying to make it as a screenwriter in Los Angeles. Follow him on Twitter at @btvoodoo.
Chris Carpenter – Perhaps seeking to capitalize on the baseball player’s fame, a winemaker named Chris Carpenter makes a wine called “Cardinale.” The actual Chris Carpenter has the world’s most boring quotations page.
Jaime Garcia – also the name of a cigar maker, who is probably not trying to capitalize on the baseball player’s fame.
Edwin Jackson – Was born in Germany. His memories appear to be limited to: “The rich food. The snow. And a lot of castles.”
Yadier Molina – According to my trusted sources, “The tattoos on Yadier Molina's neck are personal to him and he doesn't talk about them to the media.”
As two former Sonics fans, we’ve made it through three years without NBA basketball — think of us as seniors in the College of NBA-Less Winters. And we want to give you first-semester freshpersons a few tips.
Invest in NHL Direct Ice Access … uh … Ticket. (Are we close?) You can even choose a team to follow — we picked the Atlanta Thrashers.
The best thing about the NBA season is Charles Barkley and the playoffs. Your team had no chance in the playoffs, and you don't need to worry about missing Charles Barkley. He does at least 47 sports talk radio appearances a day.
You’ll find that the fast-paced, frenetic style of college basketball is as entertaining during the regular season as it is during March Madness. There's also high school — where a courtside seat can be had for the price of lunch instead for the price of your first car.
All of that energy you spent complaining about your team’s defensive sets and substitution patterns can be expressed in different ways. For example: Did you know that taxes are too high, traffic is only getting worse, corporations run this country, and people are always on their phones?
If you miss the deadpan humor of Jeff Van Gundy, check out his imitator, Larry David.
Not having an NBA fantasy draft gave us more time to focus on our CONCACAF Champions League fantasy team. Picking Alajuelense’s Pablo Antonio Gabas in Round 5 was a steal.
Enroll as an undergrad at Arizona State University. We haven’t tried this, but it just seems like a really good idea and there are endless ways to distract yourself, most involving foam.
With the 200 hours you’d normally spend watching an 82-game regular season, you could watch the complete series of The Wire, Deadwood, and The West Wing. By the end, you’ll be an expert on drug dealing, gold mining, and politics, which are probably the only ways you’re likely to make any money in this economy.
Go do things. Meet your neighbor, volunteer, drive into the country and see the stars, get to really know your parents, go all out for that promotion, achieve, live, dream … OH WHO ARE WE KIDDING, WE MISS THE NBA SO MUCH.
