In case you were out living a life of leisure, here's what you missed in sports on Tuesday.
- The no. 6 Duke Blue Devils are now 14-0 all-time at the Maui Invitational, beating no. 15 Michigan 82-75 to advance to the tournament final. After the game, Coach K phoned NCAA president Mark Emmert and literally hissed at him until a terrified Emmert agreed to hold the next 10 Final Fours in Maui.
- In the other semifinal, no. 14 Kansas used Elijah Johnson's 23 points to stop UCLA 72-56. But don't worry — this is just a slight speed bump on the Pac-12's road to total domination. Things are looking just fine.
- No. 21 Missouri won the CBE classic behind Kim English's 19 points, routing no. 18 California 92-53. Speed bumps, folks. Lots of speed bumps. Maybe there are kids in the neighborhood, I don't know. Move along.
- Despite giving up a big lead late, no. 8 Memphis held on to beat Tennessee 99-97 in double overtime. The Tigers will face Georgetown in the fifth-place game today, and coach Josh Pastner has revealed that the team will wear traditional Chinese clothing in an attempt to frighten them.
- Ryan Braun won the National League MVP, beating out, among others, Matt Kemp. But perhaps the most disappointed player was reserve infielder Jeremiah Brain, who told reporters that he'd been lied to his whole life.
- After failing to reach an agreement on TV rights, BYU has scrapped talks with the Big East and will not join the conference for football. It seems BYU wanted to retain lucrative TV rights for home games, while the Big East wanted them to play on tape-delayed public access channels like the rest of the conference.
- Tim Tebow told ESPN that he doesn't pay much attention to remarks like those by John Elway criticizing his skill level. "In fact," said Tebow, "I don't pay much attention to anything after finally reading 'The DaVinci Code.' It's really messing me up."
- A new labor contract has been signed in Major League Baseball, and players will now undergo blood tests for HGH. In response, the Blue Jays' Jose Bautista has spent the last 24 hours slowly backing out of rooms.
- In a press conference, Stanford coach David Shaw used his pulpit to decry the BCS. "The BCS is flawed," he said, questioning why teams like Virginia Tech and Oklahoma State were ranked above Stanford. In a separate press conference held one hour later, a group of BCS computers revealed that according to their updated formulas, the 10-1 Cardinal are no longer bowl eligible. Also, the school itself is no longer eligible for Internet access or electricity.
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