In case you were out living a life of leisure, here's what you missed in sports on Wednesday.
- Harrison Barnes scored 20 points as the no. 5 UNC Tar Heels bounced back from their loss against UNLV with a 60-57 win over no. 7 Wisconsin. I promised UNC coach Roy Williams that I'd let him write the joke if his team won, so here he is, folks, Roy Williams: "Em dadgern Badger fellers play 'at baskertballin ' so dang slow I 'uz fixin' to tie a randy mule to one dem sass-frass hitchin' posts and watch 'at sumbitch walk round 'til he got Gypsy tied and circle silly!" (Jesus, Roy, that's not even really a joke. Thanks for making me look like an idiot.)
- Led by Doug McDermott's 25 points and 12 boards, the no. 22 Creighton Bluejays topped San Diego State 85-83. Unfortunately, there's no word yet on what school administrators think of my repeated written proposals to change the team's nickname to the "Creighton Barrels."
- Federal agents searched the campus office of former Syracuse assistant coach Bernie Fine on Wednesday. The findings from the search haven't been released, but one federal agent did ask if anyone had any use for "like, 20 autographed Jerry Sandusky posters."
- The Wild Swashbuckler, Mike Leach, has been hired as head coach of the Washington St. Cougars. In lieu of a good joke, I'll just post the immature (and rather stupid) g-chat messages I sent to my friend Spike, a Washington Huskies fan, when I heard the news: "Guess what, *redacted*? A leach is about to move into your hood. A LEACH. COUGGSSSSS. COUGGSSSS. Get ready for a bloodletting, Spike. BECAUSE OF THE LEACH. I know you get it. A smart fellow like you. Full of ideas and associations. HISSSSSSSS. That's the sound a leach makes. And a leach loves husky people- more blood. HISSSSSSS."
- USC quarterback Matt Barkley has filed paperwork with the NFL draft advisory board, which may be a first step to leaving school early. Trojan coach Lane Kiffin supported the move, but did ask that if Barkley declares, he return some of the booster money that was meant to last four years.
- Ndamukong Suh's appeal hearing, where he plans to seek lesser punishment for stomping on a supine Green Bay player, is scheduled for Thursday. Suh plans to use the insanity plea, in the sense that it's insane to punish someone for being awesome enough to haul off and stomp a dude WWE-style.
- Sources are reporting that Steve Johnson will be fined $10,000 for a touchdown dance in which he mimicked Plaxico Burress shooting himself in the thigh. He will be fined an additional $5,000 by the American Mime Society for speaking during his performance.
- The Red Sox will introduce new manager Bobby Valentine to the media Thursday. Valentine says he's excited to see everybody, and can't wait to answer 35 questions about John Lackey's beer-drinking habits.
- The Anaheim Ducks fired coach Randy Carlyle and hired Bruce Boudreau as his replacement. Without really knowing anything about the situation or getting into the sticky business of reading the article, I can only assume that Carlyle was undone by his fatal flaw of having a name that wasn't Canadian enough.
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