In case you were out living a life of leisure, here's what you missed in sports on Tuesday.
- After months of drama and uncertainty, sources indicate that the Big East is set to add Boise State, San Diego State, SMU, UCF, and Houston to the conference roster. No word yet on whether they'll keep the name "Big East" as an ironic little relic, or just change it to "Crapville, USA" right away.
- Penn State president Rodney Erickson has promised that the university will not "whitewash" an investigation into allegations against Jerry Sandusky. Unfortunately, the rest of his comments could not be heard over the grinding noise of an industrial paper shredder.
- Jordan Tootoo of the Nashville Predators was suspended for two games after charging into Sabres goalie Ryan Miller. Or, in New York Post terms, "YAHOO TOOTOO DREW TWO DUE TO TABOO TATTOO!"
- After Cam Newton handed his record 13th rushing touchdown to a fan named Katie Brown, the Panthers asked her to return the ball so they could send it to Canton. In return for her selflessness, Newton gave Brown ten autographed laptop computers.
- Marcus Denmon scored 28 points as no. 10 Missouri improved to 8-0 with an 81-71 victory over Villanova in the Jimmy V Classic. "I wish we could have represented Crapville, USA a little better tonight," said regretful 'Nova coach Jay Wright.
- A three-pointer by Jae Crowder with seven seconds left gave no. 11 Marquette a dramatic 79-77 win against Washington. "I'm sorry we couldn't pull out the win," said Huskies coach Lorenzo Romar, "but this is one step closer to a Pac-12 team winning a basketball game."
- Archie Manning said on talk radio that having Peyton Manning and Andrew Luck on the same team is not ideal for either player. "You know how territorial doofy-looking people are," he said, by way of explanation. "They'll try to out-doof each other until they make doofuses of the whole doofin' team."
- After Lions' defensive lineman Ndamukong Suh hit a tree with his car, he told police all passengers were fine. Now, two women have come forward saying they sustained injuries. So far, the tree has remained quiet.
- White Sox General Manager Ken Williams admitted that trading Sergio Santos to the Blue Jays for a pitching prospect was the start of a rebuilding process. Based on recent White Sox history, experts speculate that the end of the rebuilding process will involve John Lackey, Carlos Zambrano, and something called "Free Knife Night" at Cellular Field.
Read more of The Triangle, Grantland's sports blog.
Contact us at email@example.com