In case you were out living a life of leisure, here's what you missed in sports on Thursday.
- Matt Ryan threw for 224 yards and three touchdowns as the Falcons beat the Jaguars 41-14. "We're not finished, believe me," said Falcons coach Mike Smith. "Our expectations are much higher than winning seasons." Reporters attempted to get a comment from the Jaguars head coach, but nobody could remember his name.
- Four students were suspended for a day from a New York high school for "Tebowing" in the hallway between periods. "Well that's annoying," said the nerdiest of the four. "I thought we were doing Rodin's 'The Thinker.'"
- Dwight Howard says that despite the Orlando Magic claiming he was off the trading block, his trade request still stands. On the up side, he said the quest to be traded could last all season. On the down side, his application to become the fourth member of NAFTA was declined without explanation.
- U.S. magistrate Young Kim ordered Bears wide receiver Sam Hurd held until at least Friday after he was arrested for attempting to purchase cocaine and marijuana in Texas. Hurd, mistaking the magistrate for rap icon Lil Kim, tried to get on his good side by singing a spirited rendition of Queen Bitch.
- Chris Paul called himself "crazy competitive" and said he believes in the Los Angeles Clippers organization. And after expressing that statement, I think we can all agree that Paul's self-analysis was half-right.
- Penn State has asked for more time from the NCAA to respond to a formal inquiry about their handling of the Jerry Sandusky scandal. "We're still waiting on the next bulk shipment of Wite-Out," said a school representative.
- The Football Writers Association of America named Oklahoma State coach Mike Gundy coach of the year. "I'm a man! I'm 40!" yelled Gundy, in an acceptance speech written four years ago.
- No. 8 Missouri extended its undefeated record to 10-0 with a 104-67 rout of Kennesaw State. In fact, it didn't take all long at all for the Tigers to get over the nerves they must have felt from playing against the school that hosted the women's college soccer Final Four. Weird.
- No. 15 Wisconsin used its patented defensive style to beat Savannah State by the ridiculous score of 66-33. Seriously guys, two days after I compare Badger head coach Bo Ryan to the devil, his team scores 66 points? Don't you guys see?! This goes deep. Deeper than you know! It involves every level of the NCAA, all the way up to Obama! If I'm not back Monday morning, please call Michelle Bachmann. She's the only one we can trust.
Read more of The Triangle, Grantland's sports blog.
Contact us at firstname.lastname@example.org