In case you were out living a life of leisure, here's what you missed in sports on Wednesday.
- Kobe Bryant sat out Wednesday night's preseason game against the Clippers with a torn wrist ligament. Funny timing for that kind of injury, considering that his wife filed for divorce less than a week ago. Folks, I'm just saying.
- Glen "Big Baby" Davis ignited a rally with 13 third-quarter points as the Orlando Magic beat the Miami Heat 104-100 in NBA preseason action. "I'm so happy," said Davis after the win. "I haven't ignited anything for years, other than my Bananas Foster dish every morning at 11 a.m."
- No. 18 TCU used 206 yards passing from Casey Pachall to eke out a 31-24 win over Louisiana Tech in the San Diego County Credit Union Poinsettia Bowl. Elsewhere in bank-themed college football action, the rich defeated the poor 400-2 in the New Canaan Connecticut Goldman Sachs Poison Hemlock Bowl.
- After pleading guilty to reduced charges of domestic violence, Floyd Mayweather was sentenced to 90 days in jail. This is the part of his movie where a savvy old boxing vet in prison for life on armed robbery charges teaches him a valuable lesson about toughness and responsibility, and then Mayweather gets out and gets his life in order and then in the climactic scene he dodges a fight with Pacquiao in the most exciting way yet.
- With more than 1.5 million votes, Aaron Rodgers led all NFL players in Pro Bowl fan voting. In related news, Brett Favre finally managed to figure out email and got six of his wife's friends to vote for him just before the deadline.
- The Pittsburgh Panthers hired Wisconsin offensive coordinator Paul Chryst to be the team's next head coach. A team spokesman said they expect him to do a great job, but that if he doesn't, "Chryst-L" will be a hilarious insult for fans.
- Harrison Barnes scored a season-high 26 points as no. 6 North Carolina routed Texas 82-63. In the postgame press conference, as Barnes made beeping noises like a robot while looking aloof, reporters were still unable to tell whether he was arrogant or just really, really weird.
- Returning from a one-game suspension after a helmet-to-helmet hit on Colt McCoy, James Harrison said the Browns should also have been punished for letting him back in the game with a concussion. This is just like the time that presidential assassin Charles Guiteau tried to defend himself in court after shooting James Garfield by arguing that it was the doctors' fault that Garfield died. Folks, I'm just saying.
- Golden State's Monta Ellis is being sued by a team employee after he allegedly sent unwanted sexual text messages that included a photo of his genitals. To be fair to Ellis, the photo clearly showed that fame and success had not gone to his head.
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