In case you were out living a life of leisure, here's what you missed in sports on Wednesday.
- The Texas Rangers reached a deal with Japanese pitching sensation Yu Darvish worth approximately $60 million. When he heard the news that he'd be going to Arlington, Darvish immediately learned the English translation for "T-Bone steak," "dude ranch," and, "I'm Japanese, so please stop calling me 'Jorge' in a vaguely menacing way."
- According to a source, Tim Tebow sustained serious injuries in the third quarter of the Broncos' loss to the Patriots. He soldiered on despite torn rib cartilage, a bruised lung, and fluid buildup. He laid pretty low on Monday, but gave hope and solace to his followers when he was back up and about on the third day.
AND WITH THAT, I PROCLAIM THE TEBOW JESUS JOKES DONE FOR AT LEAST ONE YEAR.
- A stomach bug limited Eli Manning in Wednesday's practice, while Tom Brady sat out his practice due to a left shoulder injury. "Oh, crap," said Bill Belichick, when he heard the news about Manning. "I poisoned the wrong quarterback, didn't I?"
- Steve Nash scored 26 points and dished out 11 assists as the Phoenix Suns beat the New York Knicks 91-88. After each basket, Nash paused to do a Statue of Liberty pose while smirking at the crowd. Man, that Nash: What a dick.
- It was a night of upsets in college basketball as no. 13 Indiana's road woes continued with a 70-69 loss at Nebraska, and no. 11 UConn dropped a thriller at home, 70-67, to Cincinnati. Meanwhile, no. 10 Murray State maintained its undefeated record with a 66-60 win over Morehead State. And in Kentucky, John Calipari dressed up as a giant tree and spent eight overnight hours sidling up to the bedroom window of a five-star recruit just to watch him sleep.
- Actor Rob Lowe caused a stir Wednesday when he wrote three tweets implying that Peyton Manning would soon retire from the NFL. Oddly enough, actor Bradley Whitford was totally ignored when he tweeted that Grantland would be undergoing a site re-design within 24 hours.
- LaDainian Tomlinson said the rift between Jets quarterback Mark Sanchez and receiver Santonio Holmes was as bad as he's ever seen. "Well," said Tomlinson, "the worst since the rift between Rex Ryan and the sight of his own penis, at least. Hey-oh! Am I right, guys? High fives! High fives all around. Anyway, like I was saying "
- Despite testing positive for a performance-enhancing drug, Ryan Braun will accept the National League MVP award and speak at a banquet on Saturday. The good news is that sources close to Braun say he's been working very hard on the speech, and it's going to be really great. The bad news is that he tested positive for Adderall.
- Ravens quarterback Joe Flacco said it was no big deal that teammate Ed Reed described him as "rattled" in last Sunday's win over the Texans. Then his therapist asked, "is it really no big deal?" and Flacco spent the next hour rolling around on the floor crying.
- The Los Angeles Galaxy announced that they've signed international icon David Beckham to a two-year contract extension. "Finally, some security," said Beckham, eating ice cream in his underwear. "Now I can drop this ridiculous British accent and just be myself."